Review of the last decade....

Somebody mentioned a review of the decade on facebook and I decided to blog about things which have meant something to me, personnally. You will probably find alot of it boring, but it is theraputic for me! They come in no particular order.

I had the car of my dreams, my MINI COOPER - our first ever brand new car

I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I fought and beat Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I beat depression in 2008 following therapy with a brilliant guy Dave Atkinson and for the first time in my life, accepted myself

I beat my disordered eating pattern

I lost all my hair!

I gave birth to my second son Harry Llewelyn in May 2001

9/11 and the aftermath

My son was diagnosed autistic and I fought for years to get help for him and I eventually did!

I re-trained as a dog groomer

I set up and ran a successful part time business as a dog groomer for 4 years until cancer struck

I have had my hair long, short and bald!

I learnt how to blog and opened up a whole new world of friendship

Tony Blair got kicked out of government - sadly, not before he did the country alot of damage

The unnecessary war in Afghanistan and loss of so many livesI met HM the Queen and Prince Philip when they visited Wrexham. What a charming couple!

I did the Race for Life in 2008 - my first ever race

I got back together with my dad

I started running seriously

I made a Digital Story about Harry to help teach those in authorities how hard it is for children like him

I got my eldest son through his "issues" and at the age of 9 he actually ate Pizza (mixed up food)

The list is endless but to sum it up... it has been a difficult decade for me in lots of ways. I have battled and conquered disordered eating and depression. I have had two children with special needs and I have dealt with them successfully. If they hadn't had me as a mum, they would be prisoners of their own disorder. I have battled cancer and come out the other side. I lived for 3 years with virtually no sleep because Harry was such a troubled sleeper. Despite it all..... I am HERE and I am ready, just ready to make the next decade count.

How Do We Solve a Problem like My Harry?

I have had to focus on myself this last year. I have had to somehow get through cancer treatment and get to the end of the year. I have done it! However, during this time I have not been able to be as hands on with my sons, especially Harry who is autistic and has communication difficulties. I was always pro-active with Mr H and always watching him but after the months I have had, I have distanced myself. I have had to, otherwise I just couldn't have coped.

Both my kids have had so much to deal with aside from their difficulties. They have seen their mum worried, scared, sad, angry, seen the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. They have seen my hair fall out and re-grow. What a difficult situation for "normal" kids.

Harry is having difficulty coping with his emotions at the moment and it is becoming a growing problem as he hurts others which is not acceptable. I am worried sick that he will grow up to be in constant trouble. I think this has been a big contributor to why I have been so depressed this weekend.

I bought the book "Volcano in my Tummy" a couple of years ago but like alot of strategies it wasn't right for Harry at the time. Now he is older, I am going to be using this book to teach him about his anger and how he can manage it without hurting others.


I have just spent £30 with Amazon on a selection of other books about anger and dealing with it in a more positive way. I won't bombard Harry with the books but will use them to drip feed the message. I will bring school on board with my plan so that it can be further re-inforced there.

Lets hope these books work! I have already used others similar to this "Is It Right to Fight" etc with great success.

I will let you know how we progress!

Being a mum is the hardest job I have ever done but the most rewarding. Sometimes though, I just wish..... I just wish with all my heart that I could have had a more "average" or, dare I say it? "normal" experience of parenting.

Loss and Poetry

Yesterday, I posted some sad news, the loss of an old friend and in such a tragic way. I had lots of comments but one in particular from someone who has experienced a recent loss.

I lost my big brother 19 years ago in a car crash, he was only 25. Not a day goes by without me thinking of him and most days they are good and happy thoughts. Occasionally though something will trigger me off and my heart breaks all over again.

With the losses I have experienced in life, I have always turned to poetry. Indeed, I sent one of my favourite poems to a cancer fighter carer who had just lost his wife to cancer as part of the Spirit Jump programme and I was overwhelmed by the reply I received from the gentlemans daughter who told me that once her father had read the poem, he was able to open up and grieve.

I want to share the poems with you.

Indian Prayer (Anon)

When I am dead
Cry for me a little
Think of me sometimes
But not too much.
Think of me now and again
As I was in life
At some moments, it's pleasnat to recall
But not for long.
Leave me in peace
And while you live
Let your thoughts be with the living


Farewell by Anne Bronte

Farewell to Thee! But not farewell
To all my fondest thoughs of Thee;
Within my heart they still shall dwell
And they shall cheer and comfort me.

Life seems more sweet that Thou didst live
And men more true that Thou wert one;
Nothing is lost that Thou didst give
Nothing Destroyed that Thou hast done.

My First Post Cancer Hair Cut

The thing pictured above is not my new hair cut! No.... I thought I would post a picture of my Aqua Jogging Belt. It is fab! You wear it around your waist and this enables your shoulders to rest above water. This means that your feet don't touch the ground and you can focus on your running motion and remaining in an upright position.

Onlookers are mistaken in thinking it is an easy and slow sport but trust me.... you use the same muscles as you do with proper running but without the impact and with the added resistance of water.

This sport has helped me this week with my injured ankle. I would have been very frustrated otherwise not being able to stick to my running plan.

Not a very flattering picture of me, showing all of my many wrinkles! Those creams don't do what they promise you know! Anyway, today I had my first hair cut since I lost it all due to chemotherapy. My hair colour was different and the texture was fluffy and dull so I asked the advice of my wonderful hair dresser, Sue. She parted my hair and showed me that my hair underneath is as dark as it used to be, shiny, glossy and healthy but the dull end bits were as a result of my hair starting to grow back and given the fact that there was still chemo in my system, this reflected in the texture and colour.

Sue set about snipping, tidying and can you believe it? Thinning my hair out and the end result is a snazzy pixie cut! Sue reckons that with one more trim the bad hair will be cut out and I will be in a good position to start growing it properly.

I feel so much better now that the texture is back to normal along with the colour.

I will never take a hair cut and style for granted again.

Herceptin Heart Scan

So today I was back in the hospital for my herceptin heart scan. Jason came with me and this time the process wasn't so bad. For a start there was only the chap scanning in the room and I was given a gown to wear so my dignity remained in tact.

They found my heart! I even heard it beating although it sounded more like a washing machine. The good news is that so far, so good, the herceptin isn't damaging my heart. I was so relieved because I had just returned from the Grosvenor Garden Centre having met my friend there and consumed 3 cups of proper coffee! I was getting some palpatations!

My ankle is healing nicely but I am taking arnica and using cool gel and white embrocation.

I am going for a hair trim tomorrow! My cheeky husband asked "where from?". Admittedly I haven't got enough for a good cut but I just want her to tidy up the back and around the ears. I am only have a wet trim because I will be damned if I am paying for a cut and blow dry with the little amount of hair I have lol!

My Big Surprise!

Today, I collected my big surprise...... my mini cooper.

I learnt to drive in a Mini, passed my test in a Mini and my first car was a Mini. I was gutted when I had to part with it for practical reasons. When BMW took over the Mini name, I fell in love with the car, it became my dream car. I never thought in a million years that I would ever own one myself but with the year we have had, the fact that I have faced my own mortality we decided, "what the heck" and went ahead and ordered our first ever brand new car.

I love it!

It has USB, blue tooth, auto lights, auto wipers, climate control and the one I love the best.....heated windows! No more waiting for the car to de-mist or de-frost.

So there you have it....... my big surprise!

We recently bought a new bed, had fitted wardrobes put in and new carpets. This is part of the room. The crosses above my bed were given to me by my boys. They bought the hand crafted crosses from our church, said a prayer at the alter and then gave them to me when I was ill with my chemo. Jason mounted them and they go so well with our new decor. The large cream heart hanging from the door was given to me by Harry when I was losing my hair in an effort to cheer me up.

Life will never be the same, post cancer.

Today I Bought........................

HAIRSPRAY! Yipee!!!!!

I Used a Hair Drier!!!!!!!

Yes!!!!! Today........ I used a hair dryer for the first time since I lost my hair!!!!!!

YIPEE!!!!!!

(Ps: am at the caravan at the moment and my internet access is impaired, therefore for some reason I have been unable to view my blog and any comments left, I apologise for this)

Faith! I Believe.....

The picture above was taken at my friends daughters naming ceremony. This was the day before I started to lose my hair, I had it cut short in preparation but nothing, nothing on this world prepares you for losing your hair.

I don't know why, I can't give you an explanation.... but, deep in my heart (I am so scared to say this in case I jinx myself) I am so sure that I am cancer free...... I am so sure that I am not going to do this again. I have been given my test, I have past my test and now I am a stronger person, better equipt to deal with whatever is my purpose in this life.

I remember those years of trying for a baby; tests, pills, more tests...... Once I put my concerns to one side and accepted that this may not be my destiny.... I became pregnant with Joe. Having miscarried once, my pregnancy was threatened again..... I can't begin to tell you how it felt. I prayed and prayed that weekend and on the Tuesday, while walking across the car park, watching the ducks on the stream.... I was filled with a warm glow, as though some invisible arm was giving me a hug and the words came into my head "its going to be alright" .... and it was.

This is how I feel about cancer.

Day two of radiotherapy was not as traumatic as yesterday. I talked to some women with breast cancer, I joked about the colour of our tunics.... "why do I get the insipid yellow.... bright purple is much more me!" - nice to have a giggle at not so giggleable topics! It was lovely to hear a mother with her 4 year old daughter and father talking in welsh. I was able to understand their tittle tattle which pleased me because I have lost my tongue since the death of my Nain and Taid. So comforting to hear welsh spoken as Wrexham has become much more diluted in the last ten years..... It is such a wonderful language, spoken with a tune..... love it! Dwyn carwch cymraeg!

So, I have faith and I believe.......

On a final note: I was so sad to hear of the death of Patrick Swayze, I have had a crush on him for 22 years! Ghost came out just after my brothers death and although it broke my heart, his portrayal brought me comfort. My thoughts and prayers are with his wife Lisa who must be totally lost and crushed by this loss.

I Feel Like I have Lost a Year of My Life

I do, I really do!

I look back on 2009 from the date I found the lump in January, through all my treatment and the fact that I won't start feeling myself until the new year and it upsets me because my entire world has been turned upside down.

.At this point; I know I should be grateful. Grateful that I found the lump and it hadn't spread and I am having treatment and I am alive but I feel as though I was FORCED onto a roller coaster ride I didn't want to go on and my life has run away with me. Roller coasters make you feel YUK so I think its a fairly good description of life as a cancer fighter

:0( No running

:0( No swimming

:0( No dog grooming business although some of my customers have been incredibly loyal

:0( I have missed out on so much fun with my kids; zoo trips, camping, riding........

:0( So tired all of the time I hate having to choose what activity I will do today

:0( Missed a great Take That Tribute party on 13th Feb when I was being sliced open

:0( Missed out on trips away with my friend

:0( Didn't get that family holiday abroad we were longing for

Ooooooh I could go on and on and on and on and on and on

Sorry I am being a bit moany today but sometimes being a Cancer Fighter makes me cross!

Snugburys Ice Cream Farm

Such a lovely day today, we decided to take a trip out to a Cheshire Ice Cream Farm. It was beautiful! As with all UK farms, they have to diversify in order to keep going, its wrong, but thats the way it is. The farm house was like a picture postcard surrounded by Oak Trees (these trees are protected in our country now).

The shop itself was situated in what would have been barns at one time. There were so many flavours to choose from; Turkish Delight, Chocolate Heaven, Sloe Gin! to name but a few!

Joe chose the Turkish Delight which also had chocolate sauce in. The ice cream was bigger than him! He got quite distressed when the ice cream melted all over his hands but luckily, we always come armed with baby wipes!

Harry chose the Honeycomb and didn't want his photograph taken so I had to sneak this one in. I had to finish his ice cream off for him which is why I didn't order one for myself! The ice cream was devine as were the sugar cones.

Jason also opted for the Turkish Delight but he always insists on pulling stupid faces when I take a picture of him! I purchased some Cherry jam, Ploughmans Pickle and Ale Chutney - they were only £1.30 each which was a complete bargain. I am looking forward to some Ale Chutney with my salad tonight.

There were quite a few pigs at the farm (all free range) and a mother with her piglets, they were so tiny and cute. I couldn't believe how much hair mummy pig had and how course it was (made me quite jealous - only kidding!). She was very friendly but also very muddy with two little silver rings in her nose. The spotted piglet here kept his nose to the ground continually until eventually he gave up and flopped down for a snooze.

This is their home but they also had open fields to wonder in too.






This goat caught my eye as we arrived at the farm because it was hopping and skipping around just for the joy of life.

It was a nice trip out. Only short and sweet but still enjoyable!

I am going out without head scarfs now as I have a lovely layer of baby hair, so soft I always want to touch it. However, I am finding that I get alot of odd stares. I think people are trying to work out if I have actually decided to style my hair like this (as if!), or what else would make me wear my hair like this...... I don't care if they stare because I am happy as I am, I am not ashamed or embarressed.... I am at war with cancer and so far.... I am winning!

My poor arm :0(

The bruising from the bad canula experience has come out today. The camara doesn't pick it up very well, but this is the underside of my wrist. It is quite swollen as well.

You can't quite see the bruising on the surface either but its there along with the puncture wounds. They can't use the vein next to my little finger because it is too badly scarred after the second lot of Epi-Ruebison (I can never spell that!). They used a surface vein in the end which wasn't too nice because I could really feel the chemo going in. Apparently I have small veins because I am a small person! Not good news when you face four more rounds of canulised chemo and a year of herceptin via a canula.

However, it is not all gloom and doom!!!!!

Here is what I am going to do to overcome this problem;

* increase massage to the arm both in the shower and applying cream

* massage to the arm during the day while I remember!

* make fists regularly throughout the day

* get some arnica tablets to help with bruising

AND: as you can see by my hair picture - my hair is growing!

All I want for Christmas bugger the 2 front teeth I want my hair!!!

This is our trusty tent purchased about 15 years ago. We toured Wales in in before we had children and we had such fun. Last night, some friends called in on us, it was late when they left so we opened a bottle of red wine, lit the chiminea and tea lights then played music and videos on the laptop. Rather than take ourselves off to bed we decided to sleep in the tent on the air bed of course and what a lovely sleep I had too.

The little cage with the blue igloo is the home of one of my guineapigs "Patch".
Now we com to the title of my blog! This time last year, all I wanted was to lose weight and ditch the braces. The braces came off just before I found I had breast cancer so I have had to delay plans for caps and veneers. This year I still want to lose weight but more than that, I want my hair back! Look at me in this pretty summer dress (Joe Browns - love their clothes) and I look hideous cos I haven't got any hair!
Yuk! Fat face and bald! Not a good look. At least my teeth are straight!
This is just to show you that my hair is starting to grow back along with my eyebrows and eye lashes. It feels like baby hair with the odd bit of sandpaper feel where the follicals are bursting through.

Looks like one of my Christmas wishes will come true, I will have to work hard on the other one!

Sess 4/12: I love my head!

When I first lost my hair, I was repulsed at the thought of touching my bare skull. The thought of washing it, touching it, looking at it...... urgh!

Now, I find myself playing with my scalp, especially at the base of my skull where the skin isn't taut but soft and pliable, like baby skin. I constantly touch my stubble which feels like sand paper. Is it growing yet? I don't know but I live in hope (die in Caegwrle - sorry guys, a Wrexham joke).

What adaptable creatures we humans are!

Session 3/12: Mole is OK

I have just returned from Wrexham Hospital having been referred there for a suspicious looking mole thing which I discovered when my hair fell out. It was multi coloured and a strange shape but funnily enough, I "knew" it wasn't cancer. I have just been told that it is a non infectious wart which I have probably had for a long time and the doctor offered to freeze it off for me. I declined his kind invitation because I know this process hurts and when my hair grows back, nobody will be able to see it. Why have needless procedures done? All I wanted to know was that it was not cancer and it isn't so - good result!

Forgot to mention that I power walked 1.90 miles today at 15min mile pace - it feels great to be exercising!

Session 2 of 12: So Great to Have Friends

Yesterday, I was asking "Why Me?" and my friend Ron told me that I shouldn't be asking that question, I should be asking, "How am I going to deal with this.." and he is so right. Thank you, Ron for my wake up call.

I feel much brighter today. The sun wasn't shining in Rossett, we had a storm and it has been cool but I feel good. My dear friend Jan went out and bought me the most beautiful scarves, one of which I am wearing now. It is silk and feels so warm and soft on my head. I didn't realise just how cold my head could get. I lay in the bath yesterday and my head had a jolt when I rested it back against the bath side. It did the same again today when I laid my head on my cotton pillow. All these new experiences.

I do think about cancer coming back but as my friend revealed today, if I had had this type of cancer diagnosis 5 years ago, I would be in a bad situation but the fact that my cancer is HER2 pos and receptive to Herceptin means that the tables have turned full swing and I am in the best possible situation.

My pandora bead came the other day and it symbolises "Love, Faith and Hope" which is what I live by, a great partner for my lovely breast cancer bead.

My dogs are looking good but need a bath so tomorrow I think I may just take the plunge and bath them. Oh, they get conditioning treatments too followed by a blow dry, tidy up and Eau De Toilette... they get the works. I have decided that seeing as how I have this year off work as a mobile dog groomer, I am going to concentrate on my two dogs. Pickles is five years old and a complete joy, she stays close too me and apart from demanding endless cups of tea, she is an easy dog. Wilbur on the other hand is just over 1 year old and he is naughty! He barks like a wild thing when I take him on walks and it is stopping me from taking them out at certain times of the day. I am going to invest some serious time into training him now and turning him into the dog that Pickles is!

Watch this space!!!!!

Session 2: Had a Blip now its gone

Had a bit of a bad day yesterday. Emotional, paranoid, tired, felt really pathetic and worthless.... I knew what was happening to me so I could understand and accept my state of mind. It was caused by a mole I found on my bald, plucked chicken head which made me get all worried about skin cancer. I have had a nights sleep and lots of supportive messages from friends and family and realise that I am ok but will get it checked out asap after the Easter Break.

We spent yesterday at Llanbedrog Beach where I promptly fell asleep for almost 2 hours. Joe made me a special sand chair and Harry was blowing up sand castles. Got a chill so went to the Bistro for a takeout coffee but they were short staffed and in the middle of a rush so had stopped that service but the manager took pity on me in my red woolly hat and made me a coffee anyway, how kind was that?

I thought I had come to terms with the lack of hair but the thing I hate about it the most is THE FEELING. Nobody prepares you for that, all the advice and literature I have read tells you about accepting your looks but for me, it is the feeling. Touching my head, feeling stubble, feeling bare scalp, the sensation, the touch, it turns my stomach. I know I will have to get used to this because it will be this way for the next 3 months and I will, I know I will but it is really hard and hard because I didnt expect it!

I ended up sleeping with Joe last night because we left Harry in our bed but then he took all the bed clothes and I got cold so went to sleep with Joe. I was hoping for a lie in and I got one. It was worth giving up my bed so that Harry slept in some more, he has been tired these last few days and needed some catch up.

Not sure what we are up to today. All I know is that it is Easter Sunday, the day of Resurrection and today we should be happy and thankful.

Chemo Session 2 and Back to the Caravan

I did take some photos to add to the blog of my bald bits, me with a new headscarf on (wanted to use that for the Face Book Bandana Brigade) and my "new" GI Jane hair cut! However, I have left my bag at home which contains my phone, my wallet and most importantly.... my lipstick!

Never mind, I will dedicate a blog to these pictures when I get my phone back at the end of the weekend. Good news on the caravan front, the van is free next week so we can stay as long as we like..... no returning on Saturday as was orignally planned, possibly Sunday or Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday..... will have to check it out with my mum first because she has been wonderfull looking after my Rossett Zoo and doing jobs around the house. Of course it also depends how I feel as well and how I can settle into chemo week one away from home.

I am so glad to hear that friends and family are checking my blog because it takes the pressure off Jason and I, makes life alot easier and keeps f&f up to date and part of the horrible journey that is cancer.

I phoned my hairdresser Sue at Hair by James and she fitted me in. She really didnt want to shave my hair off, Bless her so we compromised and she did a grade 4 on the back and a grade 5 on the top. It looked ................ you will see the photo when I get my phone back! Scarf on and off we go!

My best friend Jan was all set for taking mum and I for my chemo session today which was so kind of her. She brought my pandora bracelet with the breast cancer pandora bead for me to wear during the session. I also took with my my Nains turquoise ring, my crystal heart from Harry, my turquoise necklace from Joe, my Pawly Bear from Jan and Chloe - all good charms to keep me filled with positive energy. Uncil Phil took us.

The same nurse, Gwen did my chemo for me today as last time. I was glad because she is such a lovely, smiley, warm person. The department was extra busy because they were fitting in Friday and Thursday appointments together due to the Easter break. It didn't help that one of my white blood counts was not as it should have been so I had to wait for another blood test and get clearance from the doctor. Once that was done, poor Gwen had alot of trouble finding a vein. The first attempt was on the side of my hand which was so painful then that was no good because the vein blew. The second attempt at the top of my hand was better but I will get quite a bruise on that.

I felt the chemo going in again, it seemed colder this time but maybe that was because my veins were hiding. I didn't get the funny sensation that I got the first time but it did set my asthma off again so I took some ventolin and that was fine.

Gwen went through all of my side effects with me and she prescribed some corsodil for my sore mouth and some satchets of "stuff" for my constipation. She advised me not to use the suppositories that the doctor prescribed because of the invasive factor and hence risk of infection. She told me to half the amount of steroids I take over the next few days because that may help with my sleep. It is all trial and error.

The journey back to the caravan was ok, quite a bit of traffic in Porthmadog which slowed us down and loads of rain! It wouldn't be Wales without rain!

The welcome I got from the boys was wonderful, can't describe the joy really! Harry rushed in and before he took his coat and shoes off, demanded to see my hair! He said he liked it, Joe didn't like the bald bits and Jason said I looked like the evil lady in Blakes 7!!!!!

I got some unexpected gifts from my boys: Joe brought me a tiny bead red heart and a gorgeous blue and brown bead necklace, Harry bought me a huge love heart made from sewn beads in cream. It is designed for wall decoration but Harry told me that it was a necklace so I had to wear it - you should have seen me!!! I will take a photo and put it on the blog when I get my phone back.

So chemo session 2 and I don't feel quite as bad as last time. My head is buzzing, I have a ringing in my head as before but no funny feeling, no sickness.... just really, really tired. Don't feel up to talking so the computer is a great medium for giving out information without having to talk!

Session 1: More Chemo

My wonderful Auntie and Uncle who owns the caravan we are staying at, phoned me while we were there and offered to come and collect me to take me for blood tests, take me for my chemo then take me back to the caravan so that the boys can stay there and enjoy their holiday - HOW KIND IS THAT?

So, they came to collect me this morning and took me to hospital for my blood test which took all of ten minutes then home to spend the rest of the day and evening with my mum.

I have mixed emotions really. I didn't want to break up my holiday and I am sad because I seem to be missing out on so much with this cancer thing. However, its got to be done and it will be worth it if it prevents the cancer from returning, I may not be so lucky second time around!

The kids have had such fun so far. Yesterday they went to the swimming pool at the camp site. At first, I decided to stay in the caravan and read my book but then I thought that why should I miss out on all the fun so I went to watch them. I can't use public swimming baths while I am on chemo due to the risk of infection but I enjoyed watching the boys play. Their faces were beaming with joy and it made my heart feel good to watch them having fun.

Later we went to Llanbedrog beach and while the boys played in the sand I managed to have forty winks lieing in the sun. The National Trust were putting the beach huts back onto the beach and the boys really had fun making sand castles in the tractor tracks then watching the tractors come and squash them!

So.... I have had my blood test today, she bruised me a little then mum and I have enjoyed watching the guineapigs play together and then I went to Gresford Chip Shop for fish and chips.

My hair is coming out thick and fast, Harry told me to wash my pillow this morning because it was covered with hair. Although it looks ok-ish it is really starting to get on my nerves. My head itches as though I have nits, and occasionally my scalp feels tender. The hair that falls out is irritating my skin. I was going to have a go at shaving my head myself, then I thought about taking the clippers back to the caravan so that the boys could help as per my original plan but I don't think I can last that long plus once I have had my second session of chemo, I may feel even more irritated. So..... I texted my wonderful hairdresser, Sue and she is going to try to do it for me tomorrow morning at the salon "Hair by James" in Gresford

www.hairbyjames.net

I am trying to relax now before the second lot of chemo which will take place tomorrow at 11am. Mum is coming with me along with Uncle Phil and probably my Auntie Heather. It will be good therapy for mum to see what actually happens during the session because sometimes it is worse leaving things to the imagination, especially where your children are concerned.

Fingers crossed I will be well enough to return to Pwllheli tomorrow!

Session 1: Can't Sleep

It is 5.30am and I have been awake for hours, I just can't sleep. So much is going through my mind at the moment and I feel as though my brain is in over drive.

My hair has thinned considerably over the last couple of days and its getting on my nerves now. I just want to take the clippers to it and get rid of it so that is one less thing to frett about. I don't like the way my head feels. My hair follicles itch, its as though as each one is dieing, I can feel it. When I scratch or rub my head to relieve the feeling, hair comes away and it's horrible. The positive in this is that I didn't realise just how dark my hair is, almost black and I like it - lets hope it doesn't come back a different colour!

I am also feeling fat and bloated. I have started to binge and comfort eat again and I have even had to block the desire to empty my stomach so that I didn't feel guilty. I need to get back in control of my life, I think that is what is bugging me!

I am fed up because we are having to cut our week at the caravan short because of the chemo. I have to return home on Wednesday for a blood test then session 2 of chemo on Thursday. I did try to delay it but the hospital didn't like that idea at all! I am dreading the session too. This time around I know exactly what to expect but I also remember the feeling and I am worried about that.

So, lets think constructively here. What can I do to regain control of my life and get my positive karma back, lets come up with a plan!

1. Get back on the wagon and re-start my weight watchers programme
2. Start a daily programme of walking each day 1/2 an hour following chemo then on weeks 2 &
3, lets aim for an hour.
3. When I get home from the caravan, get the clippers out and get rid of the hair
4. Adopt a new mantra and use it "I will be thin again once the cancer is gone, I will beat this it
won't beat me"

So, on this positive note, I will finish my blog for now.