Spring is Approaching

L-R: Joseff, Harry, Cola, Jason and Margaret

This time last year, I didn't know what the future held for me. I was recovering from a lumpectomy with a haematoma and facing my first round of chemotherapy. It was a scarey time because I didn't know how I would be affected.

This time last year I would never have believed how different my life would be. I am physically weaker than I was but emotionally stronger, I am hoping that with time I will become physically stronger and fitter once again.

So now we have a magnificent pony in our lives. Coca Cola, a native Fell pony who is a complete and utter darling.

Photo taken by Harry of Cola

I have a Mini Cooper and a pony - wow! I could never have predicted that!

So, spring is approaching. I can see that by Colas moulting coat, the longer days, the crocus bursting through in the garden. I am excited by the prospect of better weather and longer days and all the joys they will bring with them.

My Harry

So a year on and I am living a different but much better life. I don't get phased by stuff like when Harry exploded his jelly ball all over the new carpet and made some stains on it! What is the point, they are things, they can be replaced but people can't and love can't.

I Am Back!

Sorry I haven't been around much but I have been so busy arranging things for Cola and to be honest with you I had the worst case ever of chemo brain. By Friday my head was completely fuzzed, I wanted to cry but couldn't, I couldn't organise my thoughts, I was forgetting words mid sentence........ all of you who have had chemo know the score, I don't need to explain! Yesterday I spent the day scanning old photos so I have decided to share them because they are special. The above photo is of me aged 15 about to go away on a school trip.Going through the photos made me think alot really. First I thought "how old am I?" because I have had so many body shapes, hair do's and parties! I also felt really sad at the people and pets I have lost and that was quite difficult to deal with but I had some good memories too. The above photo is of me and my neice Emma Louise taken in 1991 - hard to believe that she is a full grown woman now about to have a baby of her own.

This is me aged a couple of weeks old. I remember that chair too. Mum had me at home and apparently I was an easy baby from day one. Wish I had had one of them!

This was taken in my back garden, I am the one with the long hair and the other girl is my best friend Karen Scott. We had such laughs together. This is the only photo I have of her and I really treasure it. Karen was killed in a car crash when she was 17. The first time ever her dad had not picked her up from the disco, she begged him to let her come home with her friends. Then the friends got into a car race on the industrial estate and the outcome was the death of a vibrant, kind, fun loving and beautiful girl.

I have had many parties in my life and this was a fun one, very well planned indeed! Yes we had party rules and we covered the carpets with plastic and stored the furniture - it was a fun party.

Taken in 1992 in Liverpool City my friend Julie and I having fun. My Swiss Italian friends came over for a week so we did alot of sight seeing and alot of silly things.

The Gathering Part 4

The rest of the weekend went way too fast for us! We enjoyed the Battle of the Bands during the afternoon when the bands played against a panel of judges to decide who would be warming up for the Alarm that evening. The evening gig was amazing but sadly, I fatigued and had to sit out but we could still see the stage and hear the music. We didn't make it to see Children of the Revolution at midnight or the punk rock kareoke but we loved what we did see. I keep forgetting that I am still recovering from chemo.

At 10am on the Sunday we met in the Love Hope Strength Foundation suite and after a speech from Mike and a collective sing song of Love Hope and Strength we took a stroll to the beach. Somebody forgot to check the tidal times because the waves were crashing against the barriers when we got there. Mike stood on the wave barriers and gave us an acoustic performance of Rain in the Summertime as he was splashed by the sea.

Back at the site, after a full english breakfast we met Mike and Jules and he gave me a personal message "Never give up without a fight". Jules thanked me for the care package I sent her and she was so sweet.

Today I had my mammogram. It wasn't pleasant as the scar tissue hurt when under the machine. Now I have to wait until the end of the month before I know the results.

February is an eventful month for me! On Friday we are going to look at a Fell pony in Staffordshire, I am doing the school quiz on Friday night in aid of the PTA, the week after we are going to the Take That Tribute Night (a year to the day of my operation), I have various hospital appointments and on 27th I am doing a sponsored Ghost Hunt at the Tower in Mold in aid of Wrexham Maelor Special Care Baby Unit. Phew! Will I manage it all!!! Yes I will!

Christmas Wishes

I can't believe that 2009 is nearly over!

2009 started off so well and yet two weeks into the new year I found my cancerous lump, quite by accident. I still feel as though this year has been a dream, the whole experience has been surreal. Perhaps thats my way of coping with the enormity of what has happened to me. I had cancer..... I have fought cancer..... it just doesn't seem to register in my mind.

So I think back to this time last year, life was so hectic then with my dog grooming business and all my customers wanting to be clipped and bathed in preparation for the festivities. The rush of shopping, the wrapping of presents and the being together. It was a lovely Christmas last year..... I had come to terms with my past, I had faced my demons and I was ready to enjoy life. I didn't know at the time that I hadn't faced the worst demon yet, that was to come on 16th January 2009, the day I found my lump.

I can't believe that I have been through every season this year, from winter, spring, summer, autumn and now back to winter! It all seems misty in my minds eye.

This Christmas I am not as fit as I was last year but I am ALIVE. Sitting upstairs, wrapping my sons gifts, I felt overwhelmed by the joy at being HERE to celebrate Christmas with them. I bought Joe some books and as I wrote in each one, dedicating them to him, I was more aware of how special those dedications will eventually become.

So THANK YOU GOD for me finding the cancer, THANK YOU for the surgeon who was able to remove it with a good clear margin, THANK YOU for it not having spread to my lymph nodes, THANK YOU for the new techniques and medicines I have and am benefiting from (sentinal node biopsy and herceptin), THANK YOU for getting me through chemotherapy, THANK YOU for the wonderful nurses and staff at the Shooting Star Unit but most of all, most of all, THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME LIVE ON.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Mouth Ulcers

Before BC, I had been through extensive orthodontic work to correct my front teeth. Luckily, the work was done on the NHS because it was functional rather than cosmetic.

When I was younger, I had an accident which pushed one of my front teeth back. The dentist wouldn't do anything about it and over the years, especially after having children, they became quite bad to the point that I couldn't eat properly.

Over 3 years I had tram line braces and they were taken off at the start of this year just before I found my lump. I was given retainers to wear and I don't mind them at all but since being on chemo I haven't really been able to wear them because of the sore gums etc.

My mouth has become much better since changing chemo so I started to wear my retainers again. However, the ulcers have come back and my gums are much sorer than ever before.

Ah well, trip to the dentist tomorrow then maybe in the new year I can have my veneers done and wear a brand new smile :0)

New Camera and Kid Free Week

This is the camera I have ordered from Amazon UK www.amazon.uk.co and it is due to arrive tomorrow. This is all thanks to my blogging friends who have got me photographing everywhere I live for the COLOUR CARNIVAL and FRIDAY SHOOT OUT. I never, ever believed that I could have so much fun with a camera.

This is quite a twist for our family! I am the animal addict in the house and have ridden horses since being a tot. My husband and two sons are now learning to ride! My husband is an ameteur photographer adn now I am learning to take photos! What a twist of fate! Fun to share hobbies as a family though!

We took the children along with my mum to my husbands mums house yesterday. This is the furthest apart we have ever been for the longest time and with two of my boys gone at the same time. It was an emotional parting for me and especially for Harry who didn't want to let me go.

Thursday's chemo has knocked me for six this week, probably because it is "that time of the month". I know, I know, it shouldn't be happening and even my Oncologist is amazed! I have felt very shaky, very weak with no strength in my arms. Things are getting better though and the break away from being a mum will help me gain some strength so that I can have fun with my boys before they return to school and before my next set of chemo.

Just received a text from the Nain and Nanas and they are in Conwy on an open topped bus! Sounds like they are having fun!!!

I have decided that as I am so close to the end of chemo, I am going to get going on my fitness regime starting with a diet. Now readers, don't freak out at me! I am a sensible person, I love food too much to be silly about it. I am just going to adopt my old approach of healthy eating. Since chemo, I have been diving for carbs and cheese so that has got to stop, I have gained 14 lbs which is NOT good.

Feeling Weird (Colour Carnival)

At the Shooting Star Unit where I receive my treatment, there are lots of large windows. Some look out onto cultivated garden areas, works of art and others are covered in murials such as these. Each tile is individually painted and when the sun shines through them, the colours are spectacular. I love them. I have entered them into the COLOUR CARNIVAL.

So sorry that my pictures don't capture their beauty. I have ordered a new camara though, moving on from an old fashioned snappy to something in between so maybe I can take some better shots at a later date.
I had chemo on Thursday, session 7 - I have the usual side effects; weakness, digestive upset, stomach acid, tiredness, head buzzing. Normally by now the weakness has passed but my arms feel so weak it is difficult even holding them up to type. My temperature is ok, feel ok (as much as you can when your body is filled with poisen) but my arms are freaky! Lets hope this is just a cumulative effect of CMF and it will pass soon.




My boys are back from camping at Alvin and Llinos's house and had a fab time, our friends are so hospitable and lovely, good friends to have! I am glad they are back home though, the house was quiet without them. Mind you, it was nice having a little peace and my dogs kept me company.



Had a bit of a freaky moment last night though. Pickles has a little infection around her mouth. I have washed her beard with cold tar soap and treated it with antisceptic cream and its getting better but I found her glands up around her neck. My darling dog Bobbi was the same age as Pickles when I made the same discovery and it turned out that she had lymphoma..... I keep telling myself that her glands are up because of the small infection..... I can't help but worry though....... If they don't go down by the end of the week I will go to see my vet Howard Davies at Rhyd Broughton Vetinary Centre.

Orphan the Movie and PIZZA

Last night, as the children were staying over at my mums house, we took the opportunity to go to the pictures to see ORPHAN. I love a good horror movie and this was brilliant. It was scarey, tense and kept me on the edge of my seat throughout the showing. It was a great film to take my mind off chemo tomorrow. Much better than sitting at home worrying about things I can't control!

We went to Franky's and Bennys for supper afterwards and even though I need to lose weight, I thought "what the heck" and ordered a glass of red wine with a California Pizza. Basically it was a thin crust pizza with chicken, ham and salsa topping - devine!!!

I didn't phone to check on the children because Harry has a habit of suddenly turning from a happy child to a miserable one in a second, asking to come home, pulling on those big heart strings of mine. Harry knows exactly how to play me, my mum always says "he plays you like a fine violin!" - she is right!

Joe on the other hand is my sunshine boy, always happy, always smiling and always reassuring, a great boy. He is so kind, thoughtful and logical, he would always put my mind at rest. Anyhow, I know that they are in good hands, having midnight feasts, late night explorations to the park land, playing "pooh sticks" on the bridge.....

So...... chemo today.

Numbing gel smeared all over my hands...... plastics doctor gloves on....... and pray, pray, pray with all my heart those veins come up today!

Oncologist, bloodwork and phew! all OK

More and more often since my warfare with cancer started, I am seeing butterflies. Not just butterflies in the wild but they seem to be appearing to me all the time. In blogs, through friends (Sherry) and in products I come across every day. This particular butterfly landed on my husbands knee when he visited the newest attraction, the "butterfly house" at Chester Zoo www.chesterzoo.co.uk I have seen Robins (the bird) representative of my brother Peter, why butterflies? Maybe it is because they are re-born from an "ugly" (sorry butterflies) state and fly with beauty and grace into a new life. This is symbolic of the "new" me, re-born and re-newed following my war with cancer. What do you think?

Today, I was so nervous. I felt sick. I was going to the hospital for my bloods but also to see the oncologist. I took my RESCUE REMEDY, my husband "power dressed" and off we went. www.bachcentre.com

I called in to see my friend who was having her third lot of FEC today and took her some flowers, stocks. The perfume was gorgeous then I wondered, would it irritate her? Anyway, she loved the flowers and Gwen was caring for her today.

The bloods were ok. A new blood nurse today but so very gentle and kind. She gave me a tip for getting my veins up - wear those disposable plastic gloves that the docs wear! Will try that tomorrow! My vein is quite hard now so it hurt but not too badly.

The meeting with my oncologost Dr Champion went really well. She was so kind and reassuring. My appointment with the radiotherapy department in Glan Clwyd will probably be on 7th September, the Monday before my last chemo. Another symbolic day because although Peter died on the 10th, it was actually on a Monday and he was buried on the Thursday. It will be an emotional week for me.

I will be starting Tamoxofin straight after chemo and then I will be having herceptin for a year as soon as the radiotherapy is complete. We discussed the trial and I politely declined giving no explanation. I am not in the habit of name dropping, sometimes it does one no favours at all. She was quite happy with my choice but puzzled because I had given her such a grilling on the side effects of Tamoxofin. I just explained that I have little boys who need me and I am only concerned with the longevity of my life and not the quality through treatment.

So.... it went really well! I relaxed and fell asleep for almost 4 hours!

We are going to the cinema tonight to see the new film "Orphan" - ooh I love a good horror! The children are staying over with my mum so that we have a clear run for chemo in the morning.

Post Chemo and Weekend Fun

Above: My best friend Jan at Saturdays BBQ

I had chemo on Thursday and spent all of Friday in bed feeling weak, with a poorly tummy. However, Jason took the boys to the zoo with some friends and that provided me with time to relax, accept the poisen and recover. It was good.

Above: Sian and Poppy at the BBQ

Saturday was taken up with the boys horse riding. Joe has expressed an interest and because of his years of desperately not wanting to ride, we asked Lisa if he could have a quick trial ride before he decided and we forked out lots of dosh for a riding hat and boots. He rode ARCHIE my favourite! He did well and thoroughly enjoyed himself. Oh dear, when I get over my treatment we will have the entire family riding at Lisa's!!!

Above: Harry in Sians hot tub with Jason

I spent most of Saturday in bed, relaxing and by 5pm we were ready for Jan's BBQ which was being held at Sians house. Let me explain; they both live on a development which was formerly Trevalyn Hall. The hall itself has been divided into flats, Jan lives in the converted stables and there are a number of town houses on the plot. The grounds of the hall are shared and it is beautiful.

The children enjoyed Sian's hot tub which is set in the gardens and is so pretty! I am not telling what happened for the rest of the evening except that we enjoyed some nice wine, steak and chicken kebabs - lovely.

We ended up staying over at Jan's house before making an early retreat home to rescue my dogs!

We decided to join friends at the Dudleston Heath Horse Show. Except we thought it was in Doddleston which is literally a stones throw from our house. A chat with the local vicar, several phone calls and time on the sat nav and we eventually made it to the show! It was a really nice and friendly place and Eleri looked so gorgeous in her outfit. She rode without lead for the first time, such a proud day for her mum Llinos, as Eleri is only 7!

So, despite being a post chemo weekend, it was a thoroughly enjoyable one!

Wake Me Up When September Ends

June 1984, Ryton Police Training Centre. Peters passing out. L-R: My dad, Peter, my younger brother Gareth adn my mum.

The flowers at Peters funeral. The pink posy was from his little daughter, the one next to it (the heart) was from me. The gold one from Auntie Heather and Uncle Phil and the large one with red roses was from Team 5 CMB - Peters work colleagues.

This is the song by Green Day, a fabulous and moving song. I identify with it perfectly because my big brother Peter died in September; September 10th 1990. The words encapsulate exactly how I feel/felt, it will be 20 years though next year in 2010. Now, my very last chemo session should take place on that date, 19 years on. It will be a day of mixed emotions. Going through the last session of evil drugs, missing my brother....

I did try to bring joy to the month by getting married on 3rd September and it did, it did... but September is always a difficult month for me.

Such a morbid topic, such a sad one.... However, as September and the end of my chemo approaches, my thoughts do turn to Peter and the co-incidental date.

The floral tributes to Peter were amazing but these days it makes me too sad to visit his grave, I prefer to look into nature and think of him that way. If I do lay flowers down then they are sunflowers; tall, strong and bright, just like him. I usually put money into animal charities though, quietly and only him and I know.

Nightingale House have been planting Forget-Me-Knot flowers to raise money for the hospice and I have donated one in Peters name and one for my Nain. Flowers, thats a lovely way to be remembered.

I am having a Fat Day

Today, I am mostly having a fat day! I am feeling fat, bloated and down right ugly!

My hand and arm are still bruised from the canulas, I have been taking arnica and rubbing arnica cream into the area and that does seem to have helped. I have ordered a stress ball from Amazon UK called fukitol - quite funny really. I am going to use that to exercise my left arm and try to get some decent veins for my next round of chemo in 10 days time.

I had a nice day today though. Spent some time blogging and face booking then shot off into Wrexham town to take some photographs for Fridays Shoot Out - Outside Food. A bit difficult in our country because it always seems to rain but I have taken some interesting photos.

My Olympus camara is quite old for a digital these days so on my birthday / christmas list I am going to ask for an updated version. I would like one that can zoom in so that I can get closer shots if I desire. My camara is adequate for now and I am pleased with the pictures taken.

Had a cup of tea with my friends Fran and Ceri which was really pleasant. Frans son Oliver is 3 years old and is a real handful, reminded me what Harry was like 5 years ago! He pretended to be a tortoise and then transformed into a friendly cat. I love Oliver, he is really entertaining and just a lovely little boy.

So, still feeling fat, thoroughly hating my reflection and praying for each day to pass taking me ever nearer to the end of my treatment. I am always told not to wish my life away but that is what I seem to be doing these days..... September 10th cannot come quick enough..... last chemo session and 19 years to when my brother died - what an emotional day that will be.

Was a bit sad because I thought my neighbours had gone away for a few weeks but it seems it was a long weekend. Ding Dong the Witch is Back, Ding Dong the wicked Witch is back.... Really shouldn't sing that but the person in question has been so mean to me, even posted a photo on face book wearing a scarf and pulling a face...... I leave you to draw your own conclusions my friends.....

Chemo Done for This Week Yipee!!!

Unusual for me but this is a short posting to say that my chemo is done for this week and I am even more excited than before. I am running down that hill at such a fast pace that I think I may hit radiotherapy with a big SPLAT!!!

Wonderful, gentle, never bruises me Natalie did my treatment today and the ward was full of ladies, all smiling and chatting - oh what a difference it makes to your treatment when you are surrounded by such positivity!

Lunch at "The Stables" in the Plassey which was lovely. Earl Grey tea with a slice of lemon, ham and pickle toastie with salad and home made coleslaw. This is a ritual now, having lunch after chemo, its sort of like the last supper because I know I won't be tolerating food so well for a few days.

Effects of chemo have started. Spent a couple of hours asleep, I think its because I relax once the ordeal is over. My legs and arms have started to have that weak feeling, my head is buzzing and my eyes are having trouble keeping open.

BUT!!! HAPPY DAYS!!!!!! once next week is over just two more months! Hurray!!

Care Package

My friend had her first lot of chemo last week. I had an appointment with my oncologist so while I was there, I checked in on her. She had her canula in and was waiting for her chemo drugs to arrive. The nice part about it was that she had benefited from my experience and when her nurse told her she would get her anti-sickness tablets, she asked for them to be done through IV. I learnt the hard way that I should have the drugs this way so I am glad I saved her the experience that I had.

I wanted to get her a gift, something just to let her know how much chemo sucks and I am thinking of her. I thought of flowers at first because I had so many. For about 2 months I was never without fresh flowers and cards, it was truly up lifting. I decided to put my experience to good use and put together a care package for her.A visit to Rossett Pharmacy was in order, although it is only small, they have a wonderful selection of items. First in the basket was baby shampoo; ideal for the scalp when the hair is gone. Then came the talc, this has been a life saver for me because when your body hair goes everything is so sticky and uncomfortable. I chose lip salve, hand and nail cream and foot balm.

My final trip was to the Grosvenor Garden Centre and there I purchased the cutest little rabbit by Jelly cat in a pink shrug, a word search book and a little book of inspiration. I love the latter item because when you are feeling down you can always find something to make you smile again. Oh, I also purchased some Brambley Apple Juice - very posh stuff!

I hope she likes her care package, not as easy to buy as a bunch of flowers but a little more useful I think.

Session 3/12: Overwhelmed

Thats how I felt yesterday.

My ten year old son is having problems with my best friends adopted daughter, also ten. Last night my friend went on about it to the point that I just felt overwhelmed by my life.

The last ten years I have dealt with speech & language therapists, worried myself sick about delayed language, delayed reading, trying my best to get help for my son. I have a second son, I get no (and I mean no) sleep for three years, he has severe colic, he has delayed speech & language, I find out that he is autistic, I have challenging behaviour to deal with, sleepless nights, a full on war with the education system to get him support in the class room. On top of this I worry myself sick about their social skills (or lack of them).

Then.... just when I thought I was getting there... I get breast cancer.

So.... I don't need to my childrens problems highlighted. Last night, I felt as though it was all too much and I didn't feel depressed or sad persay, I just felt overwhelmed by the reality that is my life. For the first time in 10 years I felt as though it was all too much to deal with.

My husband is going back to work next week. His employers have been fabulous and he will be returning on reduced hours. The children are off school, I will be recovering from chemo and I am a bit worried about how things are going to be.

I saw my oncologist yesterday and I got a full check up and was dismissed with a clean bill of health. My veins are ok (still really sore) but I have my last lot of epi-reubison which aggrivates the veins. Hopefully my hair will start to grow back too when I am on CMF and I am praying for that with all my heart. I just want to run my fingers through my hair!!!!

My sons birthday party tonight, that will be something to look forward to. He is so excited and we have bought him a Star Wars cake, he is obsessed by Star Wars.

Session 3/12: "Life is here and I am free..."

A line from a Mike Peters song, Regeneration which he wrote when he beat leukemia the first time. I can't wait to be able to sing that with real conviction. When I saw him at the Gathering all those years ago in his combat fatigues, sharing his great news with us, I didn't think that I would be a member of the same club as him, a privelage I don't really want.... sorry Mike!

I am feeling like myself this week which is great. We are having friends over tonight, Jason is cooking a chilli and we have wine! I have compiled a play list but I just know it won't be played because it turned out to be punk, songs from my youth! I am currently taking a trip down memory lane. I managed to power walk today, another 2 miles which is great and I didnt feel the need for a rest afterwards!

I met my friends for coffee yesterday morning which was great then had lunch out with Jason at the Alyn Pub so I didnt "power walk", I gave myself a day off.

Raining and miserable today which always makes me feel sad. However, we will get the chiminea on and the candles burning and we will have fun. I am making the most of this week because my next session of chemo is on Thursday and I don't know how quickly I will recover.

By the way, I am NOT going to fall asleep at 9pm tonight!

Session 2 of 12: Head Scarfs and Heads

This is how the balding process started then the hair fell out pretty quickly after this. I decided to go for the TURBAN look followed by the GI Jane look but now, a week later I have virtually no hair at all. I am rapidly expanding my collection of head scarfs!

Session 2: Had a Blip now its gone

Had a bit of a bad day yesterday. Emotional, paranoid, tired, felt really pathetic and worthless.... I knew what was happening to me so I could understand and accept my state of mind. It was caused by a mole I found on my bald, plucked chicken head which made me get all worried about skin cancer. I have had a nights sleep and lots of supportive messages from friends and family and realise that I am ok but will get it checked out asap after the Easter Break.

We spent yesterday at Llanbedrog Beach where I promptly fell asleep for almost 2 hours. Joe made me a special sand chair and Harry was blowing up sand castles. Got a chill so went to the Bistro for a takeout coffee but they were short staffed and in the middle of a rush so had stopped that service but the manager took pity on me in my red woolly hat and made me a coffee anyway, how kind was that?

I thought I had come to terms with the lack of hair but the thing I hate about it the most is THE FEELING. Nobody prepares you for that, all the advice and literature I have read tells you about accepting your looks but for me, it is the feeling. Touching my head, feeling stubble, feeling bare scalp, the sensation, the touch, it turns my stomach. I know I will have to get used to this because it will be this way for the next 3 months and I will, I know I will but it is really hard and hard because I didnt expect it!

I ended up sleeping with Joe last night because we left Harry in our bed but then he took all the bed clothes and I got cold so went to sleep with Joe. I was hoping for a lie in and I got one. It was worth giving up my bed so that Harry slept in some more, he has been tired these last few days and needed some catch up.

Not sure what we are up to today. All I know is that it is Easter Sunday, the day of Resurrection and today we should be happy and thankful.

Session 2 - Twilight

Twilight - Stephanie Meyer - I salute you! What an amazing set of books: Twilight, New Moon, New Dawn, Eclipse. They are an amazing story to read, Bella and the gorgeous Edward are just..... well..... you want to BE them!

Anyway, rant over.... Jason ordered the dvd for me from Amazon while we were away the first part of the week and what a coincidence to find that when I got home for my chemo session, the DVD was waiting for me at home. I brought it back to the caravan, amazed at the speed of delivery and the coincidence and we watched it together, my first night back after chemo.

Yeah, first night after chemo - AWFUL! I had the 4 steroid tablets before the chemo was administered because as it enters your system it CAN cause a violent reaction so, my first night was hell. I just couldn't sleep. I was so tired and I couldn't sleep. Jason and I went to bed at 11.30pm and I thought it was morning by 2.30am. After that I was awake on the hour every hour, I forgot my book "The Reader" which Margaret my mum-in-law gave me to help me through and its a good book so I tried to get some sleep. I must have dozed off at around 5.30 then Harry woke me up just before 7am! Children!

So far, I have returned to the caravan without my mobile phone, my wallet, (found a lipstick so am ok), and my book!!!!!!

Session 1: Can't Sleep

It is 5.30am and I have been awake for hours, I just can't sleep. So much is going through my mind at the moment and I feel as though my brain is in over drive.

My hair has thinned considerably over the last couple of days and its getting on my nerves now. I just want to take the clippers to it and get rid of it so that is one less thing to frett about. I don't like the way my head feels. My hair follicles itch, its as though as each one is dieing, I can feel it. When I scratch or rub my head to relieve the feeling, hair comes away and it's horrible. The positive in this is that I didn't realise just how dark my hair is, almost black and I like it - lets hope it doesn't come back a different colour!

I am also feeling fat and bloated. I have started to binge and comfort eat again and I have even had to block the desire to empty my stomach so that I didn't feel guilty. I need to get back in control of my life, I think that is what is bugging me!

I am fed up because we are having to cut our week at the caravan short because of the chemo. I have to return home on Wednesday for a blood test then session 2 of chemo on Thursday. I did try to delay it but the hospital didn't like that idea at all! I am dreading the session too. This time around I know exactly what to expect but I also remember the feeling and I am worried about that.

So, lets think constructively here. What can I do to regain control of my life and get my positive karma back, lets come up with a plan!

1. Get back on the wagon and re-start my weight watchers programme
2. Start a daily programme of walking each day 1/2 an hour following chemo then on weeks 2 &
3, lets aim for an hour.
3. When I get home from the caravan, get the clippers out and get rid of the hair
4. Adopt a new mantra and use it "I will be thin again once the cancer is gone, I will beat this it
won't beat me"

So, on this positive note, I will finish my blog for now.