Almost a Week!

I can't believe that its almost a week since I last posted a blog! How quickly time flies now that I am feeling better!

Well not quite!

My nails are snapping and flaking and I have an infection in my right index finger. The infection has been there for almost a week now and it is getting better but so very slowly. Such a small thing but so much pain. I started to come down with a cold today so all in all, I feel pretty rough.

We managed to get Harry a new pair of riding boots. Buying clothes and footwear for him is so difficult because of his sensory problems, he feels every stitch, every label so it is difficult, very difficult. Anyway, he loves his new riding boots because he says that they are so soft inside.

The boys had a lesson off me in the menarge today. Boys includes Jason. They all did very well but its 30 years since I gave lessons or did any schooling or dressage but it is coming back to me slowly.

I went to the Breast Cancer Support Group meeting last night and was relieved to find out that swollen hands and feet seems to be a side effect of herceptin. Well I am half way through so at least it wont be forever.

I have been back on my weight watchers diet, eating well and concentrating on getting my B vitamins so I put spinach in everything..... Spinach in my soup, in my ghoulash, in my chilli..... you get the picture! I have been trying to snack on pumpkin seeds too which are high in iron. I must say that since my reiki and vitamin B supplements, things have got slightly better! My bloods all came back as normal but I dont know whether to be relieved or worried.

Apparently, the most critical time for re-occurance of breast cancer is the first 2 years after treatment. I suppose then, I am in the "comfort" zone because I will be having treatment until October 2010 so the clincher years will be Oct 2011 and Oct 2012!!! Nah!!! it aint coming back.

I went to look at a Shire x Cob with my friend on Bank Holiday Monday. He was lovely but had a pastern injury which showed. The owner assured us that it would improve with work but £500 was alot of money for a horse which really may not be used again. He was a darling though and if I could afford the upkeep of a second horse I would have made an offer myself because he would have been a good ride for Jason being slightly taller than Cola. Mac, my last horse had a bone spavin so I am used to horses with leg injuries.... As the old man by my school (Mr Jones) used to sing to me "kay Sera Sera, whatever will be will be"..... funny..... he would give me a sweet and ask me my name, I would reply "Sara" and he would sing that song.... same ritual every time....

Feeling Fat!

Oh my goodness!


Thats just how I feel.


I am so fed up of being overweight, tired all the time and bloated. I want to wear my own wedding ring again, I want to have some energy, I want to lose this blasted weight so that I can feel good about myself.


I want my nails to be nice, they are splitting and peeling and theres nothing I can do to stop it.


I focused so much on getting through 2009 I didnt bargain for side effects into the new year. Well here it is.........

Aches, Pains and Tiredness

The last few weeks have been quite difficult for me really because I am fighting fatigue together with an all over stiffening and aching of my joints made worse by the fact that my shoulder which was injured before Christmas is really hurting because I am using it more for mucking out, changing rugs on Cola etc etc.

Now before you feel too sorry for me, I must hasten to add that my shoulder was injured when I tripped over my dog Wilbur in a quest for crisps. I had had rather a few glasses of wine at the time so needless to say, the injury was of my own doing! It doesn't make it any the less painful though!

So I saw my GP today, Dr Happs; very nice doctor he is too! He checked my movements and they are all fine and suspects soft tissue damage. The fatigue he suspects is down to the herceptin so he has prescribed some strong painkillers, voltorol gel, refered me for physio and sent me off for some blood tests!

I have at last found a bra that doesn't hurt me, but it is a mastectomy bra. I know that I had a lumpectomy but out of desperation I thought I would give it a go and it has worked. It is padded and shaped in such a way that it gives support and I don't get hurt. I am a 32G these days and my shoulder has been better after a day of wearing that so it makes me wonder if my lack of support has been aggrivating the shoulder injury! I was fine up until I had radiotherapy and since then I have had a huge problem with bras.

I also find that I am still retaining fluid. I still can't get my wedding ring past the first part of my finger and my bra size has gone up from 30FF to 32G even though I weigh less so I feel as though I am slowly starting to explode.

On the plus side, we did have the first spring day today and it was wonderful being able to go out without a coat!

I have been busy preparing a small party for Jason's 40th at the weekend. Here's the plan but shhhhhhhh its a secret! I am going to try and get him to take the children to the pictures on Sunday afternoon and while he is gone I am going to get my friends over to fix up a gazebo, decorate the place, put a big pot of chilli on the hob, jacket spuds in the oven then when he gets home he will have a big surprise!

I will blog about the party after it has been and gone. I have ordered the food and drink online with Tesco so they will deliver on Saturday while he is at work. I have ordered a birthday cake with the Welsh flag on it - tidy!!!!

I Have Made a Decision.....

Well, I am totally fed up with my body even though it has served me well through chemotherapy and surgery and now radiotherapy. I am 2 stone overweight (28lbs) and I am fed up with being breathless. My once well toned arms through dog grooming and swimming are now not and I am fed up!

I have decided to really get back on track SENSIBLY!!!

I am going to re-join Weight Watchers on a Friday morning once I am through radiotherapy at the start of October. At the same time I am going to start my running programme (Running Made Easy by Zest). Again, I will start that at the begining of October. In the meantime, I am going to start walking in preparation for running.

The first thing I am going to do which I have never done before and I must admit, I really dont like the idea at all....... I am going to have a set of start photographs and measurements and I am going to visually document my battle with fat to keep me going.

I have done this before and I will do it again. I need to drop 2 dress sizes to get down to my previous size 8 (US size 4).

I feel as though my life has been on hold with cancer, continually feeling rubbish and ill and tired.... I know it will take me a while to recover but I must make a start for my physical and mental well being.

Don't worry, I have been a fitness freak all of my life. Before marriage I cycled 30 miles a day because I didn't have a car, I did aerobics twice a week, I swam every day and I weight trained seriously, my spot partner was a bloke and I could beat him with sit ups and with weights. I know my stuff and although I have never been this unfit in my entire life, I will do something else I have never done before..... I will start at the begining.

Wish me luck!

New Camera and Kid Free Week

This is the camera I have ordered from Amazon UK www.amazon.uk.co and it is due to arrive tomorrow. This is all thanks to my blogging friends who have got me photographing everywhere I live for the COLOUR CARNIVAL and FRIDAY SHOOT OUT. I never, ever believed that I could have so much fun with a camera.

This is quite a twist for our family! I am the animal addict in the house and have ridden horses since being a tot. My husband and two sons are now learning to ride! My husband is an ameteur photographer adn now I am learning to take photos! What a twist of fate! Fun to share hobbies as a family though!

We took the children along with my mum to my husbands mums house yesterday. This is the furthest apart we have ever been for the longest time and with two of my boys gone at the same time. It was an emotional parting for me and especially for Harry who didn't want to let me go.

Thursday's chemo has knocked me for six this week, probably because it is "that time of the month". I know, I know, it shouldn't be happening and even my Oncologist is amazed! I have felt very shaky, very weak with no strength in my arms. Things are getting better though and the break away from being a mum will help me gain some strength so that I can have fun with my boys before they return to school and before my next set of chemo.

Just received a text from the Nain and Nanas and they are in Conwy on an open topped bus! Sounds like they are having fun!!!

I have decided that as I am so close to the end of chemo, I am going to get going on my fitness regime starting with a diet. Now readers, don't freak out at me! I am a sensible person, I love food too much to be silly about it. I am just going to adopt my old approach of healthy eating. Since chemo, I have been diving for carbs and cheese so that has got to stop, I have gained 14 lbs which is NOT good.

Friends

As you may know, I have recently purchased a new scanner and I am busy uploading pictures onto my computer so that I can sort them and archive them. This has been an evocotive task for me, conjuring up long buried memories along with the emotion. One thing that has struck me; friends are like ships... they pop in and out of the harbour of your life, some only visit once, others stay forever.... thats the way friendship is. However long or short their stay, they always leave ripples in the water... Above is a picture of me taken over 10 years ago when I was pregnant with Joe and the chap with me is Chris, a friend of my husbands. We don't have alot of contact but the friendship always picks up from where it left off.

Jessica Clark, a good friend for a few years but we lost touch and now I don't know where she is. We had lots of fun together thats for sure, went to alot of live concerts and had sleep overs.

When my fiance of 7 years and I split up, my life went in a totally different direction. I became a member of the Sports Connection Gym and hooked up with a great crowd. Lots of events, house parties and fun including climbing Snowdon, camping, Its A Knockout to name but a few. Yes, for those in Great Britain, I was a friend of Tim Vincent way before he hit the TV screens, I remember him as a lanky young lad.

Mandy was a great friend, brilliant fun and I am still in touch with her mother although she is living all over the place and has been for about 15 years. She saved my life. I was in a deeply depressed place.... my brother had died.... mum & dad divorced... my fiance cheated on me and was keeping me hanging on like a yo-yo. She had split with her boyfriend and just asked me did I want to join her on a trip to Disneyland. I said yes and I never looked back. It was on that holiday that I first got to sleep without crying and holding a photo of my fiance. It was on that holiday that I decided to ditch him once and for all..... Although I loved him dearly, I was not going to be treated like an object any more.

We did the Aerobathon in Earls Court, London twice. We raised money for Cancer. Way back in 1993, little did I know that I would be benefiting from such charity fun events. Michelle was a brilliant person to be around, a bubble of fun, always smiling. She taught aerobics. Me? I cycled 30 miles a day, swam, did aerobics and weight trained seriously to the point that my spar partner was a guy! Not so blinking fit these days am I? I feel like a big fat pudding!

I am having a Fat Day

Today, I am mostly having a fat day! I am feeling fat, bloated and down right ugly!

My hand and arm are still bruised from the canulas, I have been taking arnica and rubbing arnica cream into the area and that does seem to have helped. I have ordered a stress ball from Amazon UK called fukitol - quite funny really. I am going to use that to exercise my left arm and try to get some decent veins for my next round of chemo in 10 days time.

I had a nice day today though. Spent some time blogging and face booking then shot off into Wrexham town to take some photographs for Fridays Shoot Out - Outside Food. A bit difficult in our country because it always seems to rain but I have taken some interesting photos.

My Olympus camara is quite old for a digital these days so on my birthday / christmas list I am going to ask for an updated version. I would like one that can zoom in so that I can get closer shots if I desire. My camara is adequate for now and I am pleased with the pictures taken.

Had a cup of tea with my friends Fran and Ceri which was really pleasant. Frans son Oliver is 3 years old and is a real handful, reminded me what Harry was like 5 years ago! He pretended to be a tortoise and then transformed into a friendly cat. I love Oliver, he is really entertaining and just a lovely little boy.

So, still feeling fat, thoroughly hating my reflection and praying for each day to pass taking me ever nearer to the end of my treatment. I am always told not to wish my life away but that is what I seem to be doing these days..... September 10th cannot come quick enough..... last chemo session and 19 years to when my brother died - what an emotional day that will be.

Was a bit sad because I thought my neighbours had gone away for a few weeks but it seems it was a long weekend. Ding Dong the Witch is Back, Ding Dong the wicked Witch is back.... Really shouldn't sing that but the person in question has been so mean to me, even posted a photo on face book wearing a scarf and pulling a face...... I leave you to draw your own conclusions my friends.....

Session 1: Can't Sleep

It is 5.30am and I have been awake for hours, I just can't sleep. So much is going through my mind at the moment and I feel as though my brain is in over drive.

My hair has thinned considerably over the last couple of days and its getting on my nerves now. I just want to take the clippers to it and get rid of it so that is one less thing to frett about. I don't like the way my head feels. My hair follicles itch, its as though as each one is dieing, I can feel it. When I scratch or rub my head to relieve the feeling, hair comes away and it's horrible. The positive in this is that I didn't realise just how dark my hair is, almost black and I like it - lets hope it doesn't come back a different colour!

I am also feeling fat and bloated. I have started to binge and comfort eat again and I have even had to block the desire to empty my stomach so that I didn't feel guilty. I need to get back in control of my life, I think that is what is bugging me!

I am fed up because we are having to cut our week at the caravan short because of the chemo. I have to return home on Wednesday for a blood test then session 2 of chemo on Thursday. I did try to delay it but the hospital didn't like that idea at all! I am dreading the session too. This time around I know exactly what to expect but I also remember the feeling and I am worried about that.

So, lets think constructively here. What can I do to regain control of my life and get my positive karma back, lets come up with a plan!

1. Get back on the wagon and re-start my weight watchers programme
2. Start a daily programme of walking each day 1/2 an hour following chemo then on weeks 2 &
3, lets aim for an hour.
3. When I get home from the caravan, get the clippers out and get rid of the hair
4. Adopt a new mantra and use it "I will be thin again once the cancer is gone, I will beat this it
won't beat me"

So, on this positive note, I will finish my blog for now.