12 down 6 to go

I have just come home from Wrexham Hospital following number 12 of my herceptin treatments - only 6 to go!

The sister always canulates me because my veins are so small and quite damaged with chemo and canulisation. I worked out today that so far, I have had 24 canulas inserted and that doesnt include the times when I have had more than one or two attempts. Its when you think like that, you realise just how battered your veins are.

My oncologist is retiring this month so I will be in the hands of a new oncologist. However, as I am almost at the end of my treatment I am not really concerned. I have a heart scan booked for next week but I don't anticipate any problems, its seems that I am made of strong stuff.

It is so good getting my energy back. I feel as though I am back to normal most of the time. I am on the go constantly and enjoying riding Cola, walking the dogs and generally just having the energy to enjoy life.

What I don't have the energy for is people who tick me off! Not many people annoy me but those who do just aren't worth the bother.

I am going through a transition at the moment and pretty soon I will be posting my last post on Cancer Aint Gonna Beat Me and I will be moving to Sara's Fight Back. So watch this space...

Sigh.......................

2009 was such an eventful year for me, although not in the way I would have liked so 6? 7? days into 2010 its all quite calm....

The children were kept off school yesterday because of the snow and they had a brilliant time outside playing! My neighbour, Fran and I made a snowman with the kids and that was good fun although when the light went later that day the older kids came along and took great delight in destroying it, that was sad!

The older kids are a source of frustration for all residents of our small cul-de-sac. They play football and the balls hit our cars and our houses... in the end, Jason had to go out with his warrant card and tell them officially that it was against the law to play ball games on a public highway, they just wouldn't listen to me! The parents never supervise the children, never have done, they seem to think its alright that they cause hundreds of pounds worth of damage to other peoples property. When my boys are outside playing, I plant myself in the window so that I can keep an eye on what is going on.

The same boys taunt the younger children, in fact, they run off with their bikes and earlier on in the year it was because of such an act that Harry (who takes great care of his bike) had his bike driven over! It's funny how quickly the older children disappeared, leaving Harry hiding in the shed having destroyed my pot plants in frustration, crying and shivering with distress.

Yesterday, the same boys taunted Harry again and the result was that he threw one of his new gloves into a tree and the other down the drain. I was then left to deal with the mess at home. By mess, I mean Harry's mood.

I had enough by 5.30pm, I had reached my melt down point because Harry is always challenging but he is growing up and so is challenging in a new way. I have to re-group and decide how I am going to deal with this, its not easy! Luckily my husband took care of the children and I took myself off to bed with my book just to chill.... I didn't read much, too emotionally exhausted but at least I did shake off my bad mood.

It is so hard dealing with children who have Speech, Language and Communication Disorders. Such small words really but they have a much deeper meaning, significance. It impacts on every aspect of life and learning... Going to the shop is never easy, going to the pantomine, anywhere outside the home...... I am sick and tired of parents at school putting a label on Harry as a "bad boy" because they haven't got a clue on what he has to deal with, or me for that matter!

I am so sorry, I didn't want this to turn into a whinging post but I have hit a rock in my life with this one. Its good in a way though because it shows that I am getting back to my old self after cancer but frustrating never the less.

I also feel that it is my duty to highlight the issues of this dishorder and that of autism. So many people look at my beautiful boy and just do not realise what he has to live with.

Promise me that if you see a child swearing, lashing out, lieing on the supermarket floor, fiddling with buttons or belts..... you won't condemn that child or his parents. You will smile at the parent, you will smile at the child and you will say a prayer for them.

Letting Go of Negative Emotions...

One thing I have acknowledged through my lifes experiences is that negative emotions are bad for you. If they are allowed room in your life then they fester and poisen you, the bitterness turns inwards and destroys you.


All of my life I have fought negative emotions, I refuse to hold grudges, gossip, hurt people or manipulate people. All I want to do, is live my life with my family and friends around me and spread love and goodness. If I can make a positive difference to ONE persons life a day, then I feel that I have made a supreme achievement.


So yesterday, I blogged about feeling negative emotions toward one person in my life. I didn't like the feelings I had, it wasn't me, totally out of character. Then Sherry Lee of www.everydaypossibilities.blogspot.com (I hope I have got your blog address correct) gave me some really great advice........


I followed that advice.........


I filled two sides of A4 paper............


I sealed it in an envelope and today I am going to bury it in my garden!


This morning, when I dropped my children off at school and I saw this person....... my negative emotions were dissipating. I no longer felt boiling anger towards her... I feel calmer.... better..... more like me.

So thank you Sherry Lee for your perception, your good, grounded advice and God Bless you xxxx

Helpful Advice Required from my Blogging Friends

Not the best picture of me - no makeup, hair all funny but I like my smile!


I am a big believer in not bearing grudges and being kind and nice to people. I believe in karma (getting what you give out back ten fold), I also think that jealousy, bitterness and anger are negative emotions which should be avoided at all costs.

Throughout my life I have had some pretty bad experiences. Some people would have let these experiences make them bitter but I have always accepted that every experience you have whether good or bad, builds you as a person.

A couple of years ago, I fell out with a neighbour.... its a long and pathetic story so I will not bore you with the details but I had just come out of councelling and depression and was starting to stand up for myself.... this obviously did not go down too well. I tried to offer an olive branch because I detest bad feeling but this was thrown back in my face. This persons mother died of breast cancer so she must know what hell I have been through this year but despite this she has thrown wild parties, and never once asked how I was doing. Considering how close we once were I find this rather puzzling. She has also alienated herself from my children and her children will not speak to me if she is around.

So here is my problem......... While fighting cancer, I have not had to do the school drop offs and pick ups so I have not had to have contact with this person. Now I am getting back into circulation, the contact is increasing. Whenever I see this person, I can't help myself but feel so angry, so bitter towards her and I really really don't want to feel this way. Bitterness has a knack of turning inwards and rotting your soul....... How do I combat these feelings and change them to more beneficial and kind feelings?

Blinking Hospitals and Nasty People

As you may know, I am not in the best of mind sets at the moment. I am attributing it to the end of chemo which is now in sight and September is approaching, not a good time for me. So I have all of these emotions raging inside me and I feel all mixed up!

I had a dental check up last week and although my gums are sore and I have ulcers, the dentist is pleased with the over all condition of my gums. However, he did give me a pep talk about wearing my retainers. My braces were taken off at the start of the year then when I found a lump in my breast a week later, I started this cancer roller coaster ride, now it is slowing down a little I need to get things in order. I phoned Chester City Hospital and arranged to see an orthodontist.

So today, I was in Chester City Hospital. Good news is that my top retainer is still good but because of my teeth grinding I am having a new lower retainer made, that will be fitted at an appointment tomorrow.

When I got to the hospital I was desperate for the loo. There was a queue on the corridor with two loos in action and the disabled loo free. I turned to the lady waiting and said rather politely "maybe we could make use of the disabled toilet as there is no-one waiting". The lady looked at me as though I was something the cat dragged in and almost barked at me "but it is for the disabled". Taken aback by her rather nasty attitude towards me (she had probably seen my hair cut by chemo and jumped to her own conclusions). I smiled at her and replied calmly "mmmmm, I wonder if having cancer can be classed as being disabled? mmm I rather think it does" at this point, I used the disabled loo and when I came out she couldn't meet my gaze.

On my way to the hospital I realised that I had a breast appointment sometime this week. Had I missed it? Oh panic! Quick telephone call later and I was told my appointment was at 9.30am tomorrow - phew! So a hospital day tomorrow. Wrexham Maelor in the morning and Chester City in the afternoon - and this was supposed to be my hospital week off!

Next week I have blood work booked followed by chemo!

Blinking hospitals!

I am having a Fat Day

Today, I am mostly having a fat day! I am feeling fat, bloated and down right ugly!

My hand and arm are still bruised from the canulas, I have been taking arnica and rubbing arnica cream into the area and that does seem to have helped. I have ordered a stress ball from Amazon UK called fukitol - quite funny really. I am going to use that to exercise my left arm and try to get some decent veins for my next round of chemo in 10 days time.

I had a nice day today though. Spent some time blogging and face booking then shot off into Wrexham town to take some photographs for Fridays Shoot Out - Outside Food. A bit difficult in our country because it always seems to rain but I have taken some interesting photos.

My Olympus camara is quite old for a digital these days so on my birthday / christmas list I am going to ask for an updated version. I would like one that can zoom in so that I can get closer shots if I desire. My camara is adequate for now and I am pleased with the pictures taken.

Had a cup of tea with my friends Fran and Ceri which was really pleasant. Frans son Oliver is 3 years old and is a real handful, reminded me what Harry was like 5 years ago! He pretended to be a tortoise and then transformed into a friendly cat. I love Oliver, he is really entertaining and just a lovely little boy.

So, still feeling fat, thoroughly hating my reflection and praying for each day to pass taking me ever nearer to the end of my treatment. I am always told not to wish my life away but that is what I seem to be doing these days..... September 10th cannot come quick enough..... last chemo session and 19 years to when my brother died - what an emotional day that will be.

Was a bit sad because I thought my neighbours had gone away for a few weeks but it seems it was a long weekend. Ding Dong the Witch is Back, Ding Dong the wicked Witch is back.... Really shouldn't sing that but the person in question has been so mean to me, even posted a photo on face book wearing a scarf and pulling a face...... I leave you to draw your own conclusions my friends.....

Why are people PIGS!!! (but thats insulting pigs)

The day started so well with a cup of tea with my friend then the post man delivered this parcel from my other friend. How surprised and pleased I was to open it and find this lovely sign "Faith, Hope, Love" and a card from my friend. I hope you don't mind if I share your sentiments S because they are so so special: "This sign made me think of you as soon as I saw it! FAITH: I have every faith in you! I know you will beat this disease and be an inspiration to others! HOPE: I hope that once youre treatment is completed we can meet up and become firm friends for the rest of our very long lives! LOVE: I know how much lov eyou have being sent to you from so many people but more importantly you reciprocate that love!"

Needless to say that this sign and this card will stay close to my heart for the rest of my life!

I have told you about my wedding ring and how it doesn't fit me anymore and I was afraid of having to have it cut off and ruining it forever. I am taking Beths advice and I am going to wear my wedding ring around my neck. However, despite the fact that my finger is permanently indented with the mark of my wedding ring, I feel naked going out in public without wearing one. My marriage is important to me and by not wearing a wedding ring I feel as though I am denying my vows and being dishonest. I know its silly but the last time I had to take it off, I was heavily pregnant but now, I have no outward reason for not wearing one in the eyes of the public.

I decided to purchase a cheap wedding ring to wear just to see me through treatment. I opted for a white gold band because I didn't want one that looked like my old ring because that would be a lie. I had to laugh because the shop assistant asked me if I wanted to take an extra 2 year insurance cover on it but I assured her that by then I will be wearing my own precious wedding ring and this one will be religated to the historical archives of my life!

This brings me to the title of my blog! When I arrived at Argos, there were plenty of parking spaces but because it is a silly designed car park I wanted to reverse my car into a space so that I would have a clear line of vision when I exited. At the same time, a car opposite was waiting to pull out so I reversed into the space quickly. When I got out of the car I checked to make sure that the car was within the white lines and it was (although parked rather crookedly). There was a parking space on one side next to the footpath and about 4 free spaces on the other side.

Off I merrily went into Argos to make this emotional purchase and when I returned, a little Suzuki yellow truck was parked awkwardly in the space next to the footpath. It was placed at such an angle that I couldn't get into my car! I started to take down the registration number when an old fella turned up and asked me if I wanted him to move it. He then said to me " I can't move it because your car is there" so I replied "but your truck wasn't there when I parked my car, this space was empty" he then launched into a load of abuse saying "there are lots of spaces here you could have parked in, why didnt you, my van was here already". What had happened was, he had parked his van on the footpath, I couldn't see this because of the bushes then when he had finished his work, he reversed it into the space but at such an angle it made it impossible for either of us to exit.

Well..... there is one thing I will NOT tolerate and that is being called a liar. I am not a confrontational person and I don't know what happened to me but I argued back. I argued back with such tenatious conviction that the man backed down and kept insisting to move his van. I pointed out the legality of parking on a footpath "nobody uses it" was his reply, "how do you know" was mine.... You catch the drift.

Anyhow, argument over.... I got in my car and broke down into floods of tears. Why did he call me a liar? Why was he so abusive? I called my husband at work and he calmed me down and assured me that this is what modern people are like now.... and in his line of work..... he should know!

Having analysed this incident I have concluded that two good things or points have come about because of this matter

1. I now know that I could be a matyr, I would die for my convictions. This is a strong statement to make but I know that I could never accept being called a liar, it wouldn't have mattered to me what that man did I would not have backed down or surrendered by belief in myself.

2. The fact that I was not wearing any head gear just my bald head with its re-growth and the chap obviously didnt grasp that I was a cancer fighter, I must have looked normal and ok to him! That little fact has cheered me up no end!

I decided to stop at my church Christ Church, Rossett. All was dark and quiet within but I went to the side chapel and said a prayer for myself, other cancer fighters in my life and I prayed for a blessing on my new and very temporary ring! I also cried alot but emerged from church feeling better, stronger and replenished.

But, seriously? Can anyone answer my question? Why do people have to be so nasty?