Showing posts with label why. Show all posts
Showing posts with label why. Show all posts

Monday, 30 November 2009

Helpful Advice Required from my Blogging Friends

Not the best picture of me - no makeup, hair all funny but I like my smile!


I am a big believer in not bearing grudges and being kind and nice to people. I believe in karma (getting what you give out back ten fold), I also think that jealousy, bitterness and anger are negative emotions which should be avoided at all costs.

Throughout my life I have had some pretty bad experiences. Some people would have let these experiences make them bitter but I have always accepted that every experience you have whether good or bad, builds you as a person.

A couple of years ago, I fell out with a neighbour.... its a long and pathetic story so I will not bore you with the details but I had just come out of councelling and depression and was starting to stand up for myself.... this obviously did not go down too well. I tried to offer an olive branch because I detest bad feeling but this was thrown back in my face. This persons mother died of breast cancer so she must know what hell I have been through this year but despite this she has thrown wild parties, and never once asked how I was doing. Considering how close we once were I find this rather puzzling. She has also alienated herself from my children and her children will not speak to me if she is around.

So here is my problem......... While fighting cancer, I have not had to do the school drop offs and pick ups so I have not had to have contact with this person. Now I am getting back into circulation, the contact is increasing. Whenever I see this person, I can't help myself but feel so angry, so bitter towards her and I really really don't want to feel this way. Bitterness has a knack of turning inwards and rotting your soul....... How do I combat these feelings and change them to more beneficial and kind feelings?

Thursday, 29 October 2009

Its a BLUE day

Today is a BLUE day for me. This means that I am weeping at the slightest thing.

I am battling with these side effects of tamoxifen, swollen fingers.... even my 3rd wedding ring is too tight now. I am bloated all over and despite watching what I eat I am gaining weight. I have never in my entire life been this unfit or over weight and its torturing me.

I have been trying to get in touch with the MacMillan Breast Cancer Nurses at the Shooting Star Unit all week to try and get some reassurance that all this will pass, this will not be my life for the next 5 years because I just can't bear it.

I am over whelmed by my cancer fight today. I am fed up to the back teeth of what cancer has done to my body, of what it has done to me physically and emotionally.

Today is a BLUE day but I think that tomorrow will be pink..... lets hope so hey?

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Session 3/12: Why are People so Selfish?


The above is an old picture of Rossett Mill before it was renovated
I am a good natured person, I accept people for what they are, warts and all.
I am a believer in the fact that nobody is perfect and to love someone is to accept the good and the bad in them too. The bad bits are frustrating at times but if the good bits outway the bad, a blind eye can be turned,
However, this seems to be an ongoing trend in my life. Friends who come into my life and take, then take a little more, then more... until in the end, my friendship is tested to the hilt.
I have experienced this recently as you can probably tell by the tone of my blogs and I am begining to lose patience.
I put others before myself.
If I can do a favour then I will.
I consider others feelings and desires.
Why oh why do I not get this back?
With some friends I some times wonder if they have actually realised that I am fighting cancer and undergoing chemo. Yes, I put on an act, yes, I smile, I laugh and I enjoy my life because that is ME but it doesnt mean that I am not tired or in pain or discomfort.
At the moment, I seem to be going through an angry phase in my treatment.
ANGRY: because I didn't want breast cancer
ANGRY: because I didn't want to lose my hair
ANGRY: because I hate feeling tired and uncomfortable all the time
ANGRY: because I have had to put my business on hold
ANGRY: because I have had to delay my races and race ambitions and stop running
ANGRY: because I can't even swim
ANGRY: because, because, because, because, because
.... everyone elses lives are going on and certain friends just don't even think about me or my situation!
I REFUSE to end this blog on a sour or angry note. I REFUSE people to make me feel this bad.
So... I will list the things that cancer has given me;
I CAN: take time out to train my dogs Pickles and Wilbur
I CAN: spend more time with my little animals
I CAN: focus on strengthening my posture
I CAN: have a go at power walking and train towards a running goal following treatment
I CAN: spend more time with positive friends who really do lift my spirits
I HAVE: strengthened existing friendships
I HAVE: made new friends through WW NCU, Face Book and my blog
I HAVE: taken part in the spirit jump programme and made 6 people happy so far