Monday, 30 November 2009

Helpful Advice Required from my Blogging Friends

Not the best picture of me - no makeup, hair all funny but I like my smile!

I am a big believer in not bearing grudges and being kind and nice to people. I believe in karma (getting what you give out back ten fold), I also think that jealousy, bitterness and anger are negative emotions which should be avoided at all costs.

Throughout my life I have had some pretty bad experiences. Some people would have let these experiences make them bitter but I have always accepted that every experience you have whether good or bad, builds you as a person.

A couple of years ago, I fell out with a neighbour.... its a long and pathetic story so I will not bore you with the details but I had just come out of councelling and depression and was starting to stand up for myself.... this obviously did not go down too well. I tried to offer an olive branch because I detest bad feeling but this was thrown back in my face. This persons mother died of breast cancer so she must know what hell I have been through this year but despite this she has thrown wild parties, and never once asked how I was doing. Considering how close we once were I find this rather puzzling. She has also alienated herself from my children and her children will not speak to me if she is around.

So here is my problem......... While fighting cancer, I have not had to do the school drop offs and pick ups so I have not had to have contact with this person. Now I am getting back into circulation, the contact is increasing. Whenever I see this person, I can't help myself but feel so angry, so bitter towards her and I really really don't want to feel this way. Bitterness has a knack of turning inwards and rotting your soul....... How do I combat these feelings and change them to more beneficial and kind feelings?


  1. Great question Sara though I'm sorry you are going through this. It seems to me that breast cancer (and any other major traumatic life threatening or changing experience) gives us the chance to make changes in our lives, the ones that make our lives better and emotionally more healthy.

    How do you face this woman? With your head held high and peace in your heart. It seems to me that this woman harbours anger and resentment about breast cancer and her mother's death. You have become the epitomy of that for her -- and you are right next door. She's allowing her bitterness and anger to affect her life. Don't let it spill over into yours. You extended an olive branch and it was refused...know in your heart you did a wonderful thing. How she responded is no reflection on you.

    To be rid of the anger and bitterness you are feeling about her, try this. Write a letter. Express in every way possible how you feel and this has made you feel. I'm thinking you will something amazing happen as you are doing this.

    You will not send the letter to this woman. This letter is for you alone. Then I want you to put it in an envelope and find a place to bury it -- your garden, somewhere in your house. Anywhere. And then what you have done is given this over to God. You have given this problem to God to deal with and for you to no longer worry about. I call it The God Box though it doesn't have to be a box.

    Hopefully this will alleviate the pain in your heart. And as you write the letter I would be interested to know what changed for you as you wrote.

    Whatever you do, the fact that you want to take steps to get over these feelings is such a positive. ♥

  2. You do look happy in this picture.
    As for your former friend, you have to realize that this is her problem not yours. She is clearly uncomfortable around BC people maybe because of her mother's death. It's very hurtful when former friends head for the hills when you need them the most just because they don't want to deal or don't know how to deal with your struggles. Profoundly selfish of her I know to take the easy way out but sadly, not rare. Everyone on this board has probably experienced disappointment in a 'friend' during cancer treatment. But on the other hand, I am sure you have friends that went beyond the call of duty that pleasantly surprised you.

    I would suggest taking the high road, smile and say hello even though she won't meet your eyes.

  3. Wll, you have both given me some great advice and Sherry, I am going to do exactly what you told me to do and I will let you know how I get on. Thank you so much for your advice, so grounded and right. I am lucky to have you as my friends xxx

  4. Sara, You have done a good thing by extending the olive branch to her. I think for now you have choosen to be better not bitter. That's always a good thing. I agree with what the others have written.You have taken the high road by treating her in a kind way..

  5. xoxox Sara, whatever you choose to do you are already doing the right thing by choosing to decide how "you" will feel. Everything after that is "icing"! ♥

  6. If it is really bothering you so much, I would walk up to her and ask her if she has a minute to talk. then apologize if you have ever done anything to hurt her in any way. and see where it goes from there. apologizing first, whether or not the person is at fault, usually will open some doors. if not ...... it is her loss. you tried. just look up and say I tried God!

  7. I love the picture ... looks like a true smile ... even your eyes are smiling.

  8. Man, oh man, I love the picture! Who cares about no makeup and silly hair?? You look fantastic! You look so happy that you are making ME happy!! And I do think your hair is longer than mine. Maybe.

    I have been in a similar situation. A person that we had as a roommate and thought a really good friend pretty much abandoned us when I was diagnosed and told both Ted and me that we were overreacting, both to the heart surgery and the cancer. WTH?? I have recently begun to run into him around campus and he has been trying to "capture" a close friend of mine. The way I deal with it? I ignore him when I run into him. Pretend he doesn't even exist. After he moved out, I was done with him. I don't need his hostility and blatant disregard for the comfort and welfare of others to poison my life. It's his loss, NOT mine. I tried, he had other plans. I'm not bitter about it, I am simply indifferent.

    This is how it sounds in your situation. You tried. You made the effort. If she cannot or will not accept that, then it is her problem--definitely not yours. You've been through enough, and her lack of both sympathy and empathy is not helpful to you. Sometimes, you just have to let go...and move on. We can't always influence what people do (which is sometimes too bad!). People pass in and out of our lives. Sometimes we still have to deal with them. Do not let her poison you--you are a far better and stronger person than that.



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