Thursday, 30 July 2009

TODAY...... I am mostly NOT coping! At All!

Above: My mum and Joseff wearing a silly hat
Above: Harry aged 2 with his daddy in his first big boy bed (not that he ever used it!)

Above: Jason and Harry in the garden, how it has changed!
As the title suggests, today, I am not coping with cancer at all!!!
I sat in the bath this morning and cried and cried. Harry asked "are you being sick mummy?" "No, I am crying" "why?" said Harry, "oh, because I am sad, I am too shouty these days". At which point, Harry broke into the bathroom and stroked my head. He then produced Penny his dwarf hamster who sniffed me, then washed his face because one of my tears contaminated him.
I am an emotional wreck today. I don't know why. Last night a new cancer advert really upset me. Lots of different survivors giving one liners at how they felt being diagnosed etc etc etc. OK if you are removed from cancer but when you are in the middle of a fight... I found it hard.
I hide my feelings both physical and emotional really really well because I don't believe in self pity. To summarise though and spell it out in writing;
- I am sick of having dry, gritty, itchy, firey eyes
- I am sick of having nose bleeds, hurting nose
- I am sick of sore gums and aching teeth
- I am sick of having an upset tummy to varying degrees 24/7
- I am sick of aching at night so much that it wakes me up
- I am sick of having a dry mouth with a foul taste to it
- I am sick of flaking nails
-I am sick sick sick sick sick sick sick of having no hair
- I am sick and tired of being tired
- I am sickend by the fact that a simple, happy day makes me so exhausted I feel sick
- I am fed up with the way I look, weight gain and no hair
- I am fed up of crying for no reason and hiding it
- I am fed up with no life
There, I have said it all now and given myself a headache.
So sorry to be wallowing but I really am not coping today!
When I look at my wedding photos, a perfect day almost 15 years ago we had such dreams for the future and cancer never featured in them, neither did sub fertility and a fight to have our boys, neither did having children with speech and language difficulties, neither did having an autistic child, neither did my struggle with depression.........


  1. It's ok to not be that strong, well put together, i can beet this person all the time.
    A good cry can do wonders. Sometimes we want to protect those around us by putting up a strong front, but it's hard i know. It's exhausting. Sometimes you need to let your guard down and wallow for a little bit. Then you go on, you continue fighting. You are down but not out.
    You will be in my prayers.
    Be Blessed

  2. What they don't tell us or show in adverts about cancer is that there are going to be some roller coaster days. There are going to be these emotional outlet days. We need them. I always looked at my crying days as the days when I was releasing the toxins in my body -- washing away so much of the poison that was in my veins and in my soul...and then I'd feel refreshed and ready to gear up for more. And somehow having those emotional days put me another step up the ladder.

    We need to say "I hate it" so that we can identify it and remind ourselves that none of this is "okay" and yet for some reason we have been set these challenges. It reminds us that we still have fight within us. I see that as all good.

    And bless his heart -- dear Harry stroking your head. He's learned compassion and caring from you. He's learned how to express love. You keeping it all in and not wanting others to see -- not always the best way I believe. I think others need to see how this affects us and you allowed Harry to be a blessing to you, to show you what he has learned so far in his young life. Being able to give to others in one of the most precious gifts we have. Let the tears flow, have your rants and claim this day for what it is. ♥

  3. Sara, I am happy that you posted this. What you described is exactly what life with cancer is like - it is a horrible disease, and it effects us in so many ways, most of which are negative. Talking about those feelings, crying openly, screaming and shouting if we need to are therapeutic and, in some ways, healing. Let it out my friend! Don't let that horrid disease make you suffer in silence. Get angry and then give yourself a pat on the back. You have A LOT to deal with - the cancer, your family, your community. But take time for YOU - however that may look.
    Hugs and love to you.

  4. Hello. i was diagnosed with ovarian cancer last year and am still dealing with emotional and anxiety results from it. Enjoyed your blog. :)

  5. Wish I can give you a hug in person Sara. I've felt many of the symptoms and emotions you are going through. Cancer is hard.Dealing with emotionally challenged kids is hard (certainly know that firsthand). But Harry sounds so sweet trying to make his mom feel better.

  6. Hearing the doctor say " Cancer " has to be the worse... We sit there and block everything else the doctor is saying,,,,,that was me
    We go home....and think and think...
    Holding our emotions protect our loved ones....there are times, we deny it and then there are hits us in the face.
    Its a difficult journey living with cancer....
    Crying helps....feeling sorry for ourselves happens at times. What you are feeling is normal, be yourself...we have to stop being so strong for others....we are human, and its ok to feel overwhelmed at times

  7. Sara I haven't felt like crying for a long time. But this made me feel like it. As a matter of fact, I have a lump in my throat.

    Sara, how could you ever think that this is self-pity. It isn't at all.

    It is grief Sara. When I was first diagnosed and going through chemo (I went through chemo for two straight years almost weekly). I sat on the couch and cried every day for a year.

    I was grieving for my life. I was grieving for the dreams I had for my life and for my children.

    Sara you are cheating yourself by thinking this is pity. It isn't.

    As far as emotions and physically I promised myself to keep it real not keep it strong. In other words I kept it real. I also understand that is very different with two small children. But with the adults let them help carry the load.

    I am going to stop in case you think I am being preachy. I'm not. I just care very much and I think you are being much too hard on yourself.

    Love Renee xoxo

  8. This probably won't help, but I wanted to tell you it will get better - I was right where you are just a few months ago. My hair is starting to come back, I'm done with chemo, I just had my last reconstructive surgery on my chest. I don't feel well, yet, but I know it's coming soon. I thought I'd share a quote with you that I found today - I was looking for a name for my team that is participating in a cancer walk tomorrow night and now I know the name: "The Beauty Remains". Here's the quote by Anne Frank: "I don't think of all the misery, but of the beauty that still remains". Have a good day.

  9. Oh Sara, I am so sorry! - first (((BIG HUGS)))! I am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now, but please don't feel bad or guilty about saying so!

    It is totally normal and natural with everything you have been through and continue to go through! I have looked up to you and your attitude and strength since I "met" you. I couldn't even imagine dealing with everything you are and still being such a sweet, kind and loving person!

    You have a lot on your plate and you are entitled to feel the emotional pain as much as the physical pain you have to endure - and you are entitled to let it out whenever you need to!

    You will be in my closest thoughts and prayers Sara.

  10. Dear Sara

    When i was feeling really down a friend sent me a little card. Inside it said, "Brave, beautiful Stephanie. This too will pass."
    And so I say to you, brave, beautiful Sara, this too will pass.
    You will be well again.

  11. Dearest Sara...

    When I was in my darkest hours, and felt like no one understood what I was going through, the only thing I could hold on to was that it would all be done with soon and I could move on with my life. I still look at myself in the mirror and dislike what I see. I still have the feeling of wanting things to be righted, NOW!!! I am a month and a half out of treatment and I still feel like my world is all backwards. I want my beautiful hair back, I want to be shed of these unwanted pounds, and I want to be able to run two miles without killing myself in the process. I totally understand where you're coming from--but don't let those feelings take control of you. Reach out to people, and don't EVER feel bad about being emotional about your situation. You have a ton to deal with, and you are certainly allowed to show your emotions about those things. If anyone dares to give you a hard time about that, well, tell them to come talk to me ;)

    Hang in there, Sara. This is but a blip in your life, compared to the long years of healthful memories you will have. Enjoy what you can, lament what you have to, and continue on!

  12. Hi Sara, good post, sorry it took me a few days to catch up. Hope you're feeling better by now. As the others have said, you have every right to the emotions you are having and it helps the rest of us that hide them most of the time too (to see that you feel this way sometimes too). It is very hard, but we will all get through it (look at the name of your blog!!)


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