India Day at School

Harry had an "India" day at his school today. The idea was that the children could dress up if they wanted and they made Indian decorations, played Indian music and sampled Indian food. Even the staff entered into the spirit of the occasion with their saris. We purchased Harry's outfit from the Hospice of the Good Shepherd, the young assistant was so helpful and so not only did we get a costume sorted but our money was spent on a good cause. Harry liked his turban the best which was one I used last year when I lost my hair. I used this one the most because I loved the colour red and it is well worn. I think its lovely to see it being used for something not related to ill health.


Harry did have a problem with his snack at snack time, the change in routine can be confusing and upsetting for children with autism. He was choked up and emotional when he came out of school but I spoke to his teacher and we got to the root of the problem and all is well.


I had some sad news today. My mums dog Al has been taken ill. He has liver problems and is on a drip at the vets, it is touch and go as to whether or not he pulls through. Al is an integral part of mums life, her faithful friend. As for me, he represents a wonderful part of my life with motherhood and baby/toddler trips to Erddig and Nains river. I only saw him on Monday and he was so happy, its hard to hear that my little friend is so gravely ill.


On a different note, I gained 2 1/2 lbs this week at weight watchers but I am not worried or stressed about it. Looking at the size of my fingers and the fact that I still can't get a wedding ring on I reckon that if I could stop the drugs I would lose half a stone in fluid alone! The main thing is that I am still going to weight watchers and if I hadn't been going I would be alot bigger than I am now.

Weight Gain and Bloating!

You will know about my bloating until the weekend when it started to get better. I had my meeting with the surgeon this morning and she confirmed what I already knew, that the bloating and weight gain was due to the drug Tamoxifen. However, my cancer tested extremely sensitive to hormones so really, I would be silly to stop taking it. I was given advice on how to reduce swelling and told that hopefully everything would start to settle down soon. I will have another review in 6 months.

This is what I already knew in my heart of hearts but I following my blue day last week, I have a renewed vigour to reach my target. I WILL lose weight, I WILL run again and I WILL get my fitness back!

I was given the all clear to start swimming again which will help with lymphatic drainage and she endorsed my running which is all positive!

I had my second lot of herceptin today and everything went as smoothly as before.

I had my second run today.... 60 seconds running, 3 minutes walking x 4 - 16 mins. I went out before the children were up because I knew I had a busy hospital day ahead of me and as it is my training plan to run on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, I really didn't want to jeopardise the plan when I had only just started. I was extremely proud of myself at making this supreme effort, I didn't let any negatives get in the way, I went out and did it. The only thing I found was, because I didn't warm up due to the time constraints and I didnt take my ventolin before hand, I found it slightly harder going than Monday.

I feel as though I am getting control back of my life and that is brilliant. I am have some exciting plans which I need to set in motion. The first being Reiki, I desperately want to master this skill so that I can use it in my professional life with dogs. I also want to take an animal first aid course and possibly a course in canine nutruition. I want to explore the spiritual side of my soul as well.... I would like to learn how to open my pyschie and be able to harness that skill which has been neglected for so long.

Despite the cancer diagnosis, I have found my War with Cancer quite liberating. For the first time in my life I am relaxed, I don't worry about things any more, I appreciate what I have. The only fear I have is of regression. I do not want to return to my old habits of self criticism, of eating disorders and low self esteem. I recognise my enemy within and I will fight it as I have fought cancer.....

Its a BLUE day

Today is a BLUE day for me. This means that I am weeping at the slightest thing.

I am battling with these side effects of tamoxifen, swollen fingers.... even my 3rd wedding ring is too tight now. I am bloated all over and despite watching what I eat I am gaining weight. I have never in my entire life been this unfit or over weight and its torturing me.

I have been trying to get in touch with the MacMillan Breast Cancer Nurses at the Shooting Star Unit all week to try and get some reassurance that all this will pass, this will not be my life for the next 5 years because I just can't bear it.

I am over whelmed by my cancer fight today. I am fed up to the back teeth of what cancer has done to my body, of what it has done to me physically and emotionally.

Today is a BLUE day but I think that tomorrow will be pink..... lets hope so hey?

Session 1: Can't Sleep

It is 5.30am and I have been awake for hours, I just can't sleep. So much is going through my mind at the moment and I feel as though my brain is in over drive.

My hair has thinned considerably over the last couple of days and its getting on my nerves now. I just want to take the clippers to it and get rid of it so that is one less thing to frett about. I don't like the way my head feels. My hair follicles itch, its as though as each one is dieing, I can feel it. When I scratch or rub my head to relieve the feeling, hair comes away and it's horrible. The positive in this is that I didn't realise just how dark my hair is, almost black and I like it - lets hope it doesn't come back a different colour!

I am also feeling fat and bloated. I have started to binge and comfort eat again and I have even had to block the desire to empty my stomach so that I didn't feel guilty. I need to get back in control of my life, I think that is what is bugging me!

I am fed up because we are having to cut our week at the caravan short because of the chemo. I have to return home on Wednesday for a blood test then session 2 of chemo on Thursday. I did try to delay it but the hospital didn't like that idea at all! I am dreading the session too. This time around I know exactly what to expect but I also remember the feeling and I am worried about that.

So, lets think constructively here. What can I do to regain control of my life and get my positive karma back, lets come up with a plan!

1. Get back on the wagon and re-start my weight watchers programme
2. Start a daily programme of walking each day 1/2 an hour following chemo then on weeks 2 &
3, lets aim for an hour.
3. When I get home from the caravan, get the clippers out and get rid of the hair
4. Adopt a new mantra and use it "I will be thin again once the cancer is gone, I will beat this it
won't beat me"

So, on this positive note, I will finish my blog for now.