Feeling Fat!

Oh my goodness!


Thats just how I feel.


I am so fed up of being overweight, tired all the time and bloated. I want to wear my own wedding ring again, I want to have some energy, I want to lose this blasted weight so that I can feel good about myself.


I want my nails to be nice, they are splitting and peeling and theres nothing I can do to stop it.


I focused so much on getting through 2009 I didnt bargain for side effects into the new year. Well here it is.........

Review of the last decade....

Somebody mentioned a review of the decade on facebook and I decided to blog about things which have meant something to me, personnally. You will probably find alot of it boring, but it is theraputic for me! They come in no particular order.

I had the car of my dreams, my MINI COOPER - our first ever brand new car

I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I fought and beat Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I beat depression in 2008 following therapy with a brilliant guy Dave Atkinson and for the first time in my life, accepted myself

I beat my disordered eating pattern

I lost all my hair!

I gave birth to my second son Harry Llewelyn in May 2001

9/11 and the aftermath

My son was diagnosed autistic and I fought for years to get help for him and I eventually did!

I re-trained as a dog groomer

I set up and ran a successful part time business as a dog groomer for 4 years until cancer struck

I have had my hair long, short and bald!

I learnt how to blog and opened up a whole new world of friendship

Tony Blair got kicked out of government - sadly, not before he did the country alot of damage

The unnecessary war in Afghanistan and loss of so many livesI met HM the Queen and Prince Philip when they visited Wrexham. What a charming couple!

I did the Race for Life in 2008 - my first ever race

I got back together with my dad

I started running seriously

I made a Digital Story about Harry to help teach those in authorities how hard it is for children like him

I got my eldest son through his "issues" and at the age of 9 he actually ate Pizza (mixed up food)

The list is endless but to sum it up... it has been a difficult decade for me in lots of ways. I have battled and conquered disordered eating and depression. I have had two children with special needs and I have dealt with them successfully. If they hadn't had me as a mum, they would be prisoners of their own disorder. I have battled cancer and come out the other side. I lived for 3 years with virtually no sleep because Harry was such a troubled sleeper. Despite it all..... I am HERE and I am ready, just ready to make the next decade count.

Weight Gain and Bloating!

You will know about my bloating until the weekend when it started to get better. I had my meeting with the surgeon this morning and she confirmed what I already knew, that the bloating and weight gain was due to the drug Tamoxifen. However, my cancer tested extremely sensitive to hormones so really, I would be silly to stop taking it. I was given advice on how to reduce swelling and told that hopefully everything would start to settle down soon. I will have another review in 6 months.

This is what I already knew in my heart of hearts but I following my blue day last week, I have a renewed vigour to reach my target. I WILL lose weight, I WILL run again and I WILL get my fitness back!

I was given the all clear to start swimming again which will help with lymphatic drainage and she endorsed my running which is all positive!

I had my second lot of herceptin today and everything went as smoothly as before.

I had my second run today.... 60 seconds running, 3 minutes walking x 4 - 16 mins. I went out before the children were up because I knew I had a busy hospital day ahead of me and as it is my training plan to run on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday, I really didn't want to jeopardise the plan when I had only just started. I was extremely proud of myself at making this supreme effort, I didn't let any negatives get in the way, I went out and did it. The only thing I found was, because I didn't warm up due to the time constraints and I didnt take my ventolin before hand, I found it slightly harder going than Monday.

I feel as though I am getting control back of my life and that is brilliant. I am have some exciting plans which I need to set in motion. The first being Reiki, I desperately want to master this skill so that I can use it in my professional life with dogs. I also want to take an animal first aid course and possibly a course in canine nutruition. I want to explore the spiritual side of my soul as well.... I would like to learn how to open my pyschie and be able to harness that skill which has been neglected for so long.

Despite the cancer diagnosis, I have found my War with Cancer quite liberating. For the first time in my life I am relaxed, I don't worry about things any more, I appreciate what I have. The only fear I have is of regression. I do not want to return to my old habits of self criticism, of eating disorders and low self esteem. I recognise my enemy within and I will fight it as I have fought cancer.....

Glad to Have My Blog Back

Before I get started on this blog, I just want all of my blogging friends to look at the picture above of Mike Peters and his wife Jules. They helped found the Love Hope Strength Foundation which aims to put cancer centres in every country and make cancer a curable disease. Mike himself has battled the beast twice in the last 15 years and his type of cancer is incurable but can be managed.

They have done so much, you must visit the LHS website to see what amazing things they have achieved. They have donated thousands to the cancer centre where I received part of my treatment. They have climbed Everest, Snowdon and now more recently Kilimanjaro.

As a result of this quest, Jules is now seriously ill in hospital suffering with not only DVT but a tropical disease. She is in isolation so will not even be able to see her two very young sons. I want you all to say a prayer for this amazing person. Hold her in your thoughts and pray for a fast recovery.

So.... I am back home from the caravan and now I can access my blog and everyone elses. It has been quite frustrating not being able to visit blogs or even pick up the comments left on my blog! I will be busy catching up with you all over the next week.

I am back in the pink! I only let myself have one blue day every once in a while, I think it helps to cleanse the mind and body but thank you for all of your messages of support which helped turn me from blue to pink.

The only other frustration I have at the moment is that my scan disk is not allowing me to upload my pictures so my wonderful husband has allowed me to use his from the holiday and will be working to fix my disk so that I can share the fab photos I took on holiday.

The above picture is of Joe pretending to fly a "Vampire" aeroplane at the museum.

Harry loves aeroplanes and so last Christmas we bought him an authentic pilots flight suit and Jason managed to get badges and a beret which he loves. In this picture we were on Llanbedrog Beach and he was busy enacting war scenes. This took me back years to my own child hood when I used to play the same games with my brothers!

Harry was flying a helicopter in this picture and by the look on his face, I think he must have been about to crash!

This is me and my Joe, Jason was insisting on taking photos of me which I dont like because of my weight gain, hair and general poor self image. We decided to pull extreme faces for this one!

We had a lovely week away, it is so relaxing on the Llyn. The best moments were the air museum because the look on Harrys face when we got there was just why I love being a mum, I also enjoyed the bonfire on the beach. Warm autumn night with leaves falling onto the sand, the magic of the fire, waves crashing on the beach and only us there - what a magical experience.

I Have Made a Decision.....

Well, I am totally fed up with my body even though it has served me well through chemotherapy and surgery and now radiotherapy. I am 2 stone overweight (28lbs) and I am fed up with being breathless. My once well toned arms through dog grooming and swimming are now not and I am fed up!

I have decided to really get back on track SENSIBLY!!!

I am going to re-join Weight Watchers on a Friday morning once I am through radiotherapy at the start of October. At the same time I am going to start my running programme (Running Made Easy by Zest). Again, I will start that at the begining of October. In the meantime, I am going to start walking in preparation for running.

The first thing I am going to do which I have never done before and I must admit, I really dont like the idea at all....... I am going to have a set of start photographs and measurements and I am going to visually document my battle with fat to keep me going.

I have done this before and I will do it again. I need to drop 2 dress sizes to get down to my previous size 8 (US size 4).

I feel as though my life has been on hold with cancer, continually feeling rubbish and ill and tired.... I know it will take me a while to recover but I must make a start for my physical and mental well being.

Don't worry, I have been a fitness freak all of my life. Before marriage I cycled 30 miles a day because I didn't have a car, I did aerobics twice a week, I swam every day and I weight trained seriously, my spot partner was a bloke and I could beat him with sit ups and with weights. I know my stuff and although I have never been this unfit in my entire life, I will do something else I have never done before..... I will start at the begining.

Wish me luck!

New Camera and Kid Free Week

This is the camera I have ordered from Amazon UK www.amazon.uk.co and it is due to arrive tomorrow. This is all thanks to my blogging friends who have got me photographing everywhere I live for the COLOUR CARNIVAL and FRIDAY SHOOT OUT. I never, ever believed that I could have so much fun with a camera.

This is quite a twist for our family! I am the animal addict in the house and have ridden horses since being a tot. My husband and two sons are now learning to ride! My husband is an ameteur photographer adn now I am learning to take photos! What a twist of fate! Fun to share hobbies as a family though!

We took the children along with my mum to my husbands mums house yesterday. This is the furthest apart we have ever been for the longest time and with two of my boys gone at the same time. It was an emotional parting for me and especially for Harry who didn't want to let me go.

Thursday's chemo has knocked me for six this week, probably because it is "that time of the month". I know, I know, it shouldn't be happening and even my Oncologist is amazed! I have felt very shaky, very weak with no strength in my arms. Things are getting better though and the break away from being a mum will help me gain some strength so that I can have fun with my boys before they return to school and before my next set of chemo.

Just received a text from the Nain and Nanas and they are in Conwy on an open topped bus! Sounds like they are having fun!!!

I have decided that as I am so close to the end of chemo, I am going to get going on my fitness regime starting with a diet. Now readers, don't freak out at me! I am a sensible person, I love food too much to be silly about it. I am just going to adopt my old approach of healthy eating. Since chemo, I have been diving for carbs and cheese so that has got to stop, I have gained 14 lbs which is NOT good.

Session 1: Can't Sleep

It is 5.30am and I have been awake for hours, I just can't sleep. So much is going through my mind at the moment and I feel as though my brain is in over drive.

My hair has thinned considerably over the last couple of days and its getting on my nerves now. I just want to take the clippers to it and get rid of it so that is one less thing to frett about. I don't like the way my head feels. My hair follicles itch, its as though as each one is dieing, I can feel it. When I scratch or rub my head to relieve the feeling, hair comes away and it's horrible. The positive in this is that I didn't realise just how dark my hair is, almost black and I like it - lets hope it doesn't come back a different colour!

I am also feeling fat and bloated. I have started to binge and comfort eat again and I have even had to block the desire to empty my stomach so that I didn't feel guilty. I need to get back in control of my life, I think that is what is bugging me!

I am fed up because we are having to cut our week at the caravan short because of the chemo. I have to return home on Wednesday for a blood test then session 2 of chemo on Thursday. I did try to delay it but the hospital didn't like that idea at all! I am dreading the session too. This time around I know exactly what to expect but I also remember the feeling and I am worried about that.

So, lets think constructively here. What can I do to regain control of my life and get my positive karma back, lets come up with a plan!

1. Get back on the wagon and re-start my weight watchers programme
2. Start a daily programme of walking each day 1/2 an hour following chemo then on weeks 2 &
3, lets aim for an hour.
3. When I get home from the caravan, get the clippers out and get rid of the hair
4. Adopt a new mantra and use it "I will be thin again once the cancer is gone, I will beat this it
won't beat me"

So, on this positive note, I will finish my blog for now.