Review of the last decade....

Somebody mentioned a review of the decade on facebook and I decided to blog about things which have meant something to me, personnally. You will probably find alot of it boring, but it is theraputic for me! They come in no particular order.

I had the car of my dreams, my MINI COOPER - our first ever brand new car

I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I fought and beat Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I beat depression in 2008 following therapy with a brilliant guy Dave Atkinson and for the first time in my life, accepted myself

I beat my disordered eating pattern

I lost all my hair!

I gave birth to my second son Harry Llewelyn in May 2001

9/11 and the aftermath

My son was diagnosed autistic and I fought for years to get help for him and I eventually did!

I re-trained as a dog groomer

I set up and ran a successful part time business as a dog groomer for 4 years until cancer struck

I have had my hair long, short and bald!

I learnt how to blog and opened up a whole new world of friendship

Tony Blair got kicked out of government - sadly, not before he did the country alot of damage

The unnecessary war in Afghanistan and loss of so many livesI met HM the Queen and Prince Philip when they visited Wrexham. What a charming couple!

I did the Race for Life in 2008 - my first ever race

I got back together with my dad

I started running seriously

I made a Digital Story about Harry to help teach those in authorities how hard it is for children like him

I got my eldest son through his "issues" and at the age of 9 he actually ate Pizza (mixed up food)

The list is endless but to sum it up... it has been a difficult decade for me in lots of ways. I have battled and conquered disordered eating and depression. I have had two children with special needs and I have dealt with them successfully. If they hadn't had me as a mum, they would be prisoners of their own disorder. I have battled cancer and come out the other side. I lived for 3 years with virtually no sleep because Harry was such a troubled sleeper. Despite it all..... I am HERE and I am ready, just ready to make the next decade count.

I Used a Hair Drier!!!!!!!

Yes!!!!! Today........ I used a hair dryer for the first time since I lost my hair!!!!!!

YIPEE!!!!!!

(Ps: am at the caravan at the moment and my internet access is impaired, therefore for some reason I have been unable to view my blog and any comments left, I apologise for this)

Faith! I Believe.....

The picture above was taken at my friends daughters naming ceremony. This was the day before I started to lose my hair, I had it cut short in preparation but nothing, nothing on this world prepares you for losing your hair.

I don't know why, I can't give you an explanation.... but, deep in my heart (I am so scared to say this in case I jinx myself) I am so sure that I am cancer free...... I am so sure that I am not going to do this again. I have been given my test, I have past my test and now I am a stronger person, better equipt to deal with whatever is my purpose in this life.

I remember those years of trying for a baby; tests, pills, more tests...... Once I put my concerns to one side and accepted that this may not be my destiny.... I became pregnant with Joe. Having miscarried once, my pregnancy was threatened again..... I can't begin to tell you how it felt. I prayed and prayed that weekend and on the Tuesday, while walking across the car park, watching the ducks on the stream.... I was filled with a warm glow, as though some invisible arm was giving me a hug and the words came into my head "its going to be alright" .... and it was.

This is how I feel about cancer.

Day two of radiotherapy was not as traumatic as yesterday. I talked to some women with breast cancer, I joked about the colour of our tunics.... "why do I get the insipid yellow.... bright purple is much more me!" - nice to have a giggle at not so giggleable topics! It was lovely to hear a mother with her 4 year old daughter and father talking in welsh. I was able to understand their tittle tattle which pleased me because I have lost my tongue since the death of my Nain and Taid. So comforting to hear welsh spoken as Wrexham has become much more diluted in the last ten years..... It is such a wonderful language, spoken with a tune..... love it! Dwyn carwch cymraeg!

So, I have faith and I believe.......

On a final note: I was so sad to hear of the death of Patrick Swayze, I have had a crush on him for 22 years! Ghost came out just after my brothers death and although it broke my heart, his portrayal brought me comfort. My thoughts and prayers are with his wife Lisa who must be totally lost and crushed by this loss.

Blinking Hospitals and Nasty People

As you may know, I am not in the best of mind sets at the moment. I am attributing it to the end of chemo which is now in sight and September is approaching, not a good time for me. So I have all of these emotions raging inside me and I feel all mixed up!

I had a dental check up last week and although my gums are sore and I have ulcers, the dentist is pleased with the over all condition of my gums. However, he did give me a pep talk about wearing my retainers. My braces were taken off at the start of the year then when I found a lump in my breast a week later, I started this cancer roller coaster ride, now it is slowing down a little I need to get things in order. I phoned Chester City Hospital and arranged to see an orthodontist.

So today, I was in Chester City Hospital. Good news is that my top retainer is still good but because of my teeth grinding I am having a new lower retainer made, that will be fitted at an appointment tomorrow.

When I got to the hospital I was desperate for the loo. There was a queue on the corridor with two loos in action and the disabled loo free. I turned to the lady waiting and said rather politely "maybe we could make use of the disabled toilet as there is no-one waiting". The lady looked at me as though I was something the cat dragged in and almost barked at me "but it is for the disabled". Taken aback by her rather nasty attitude towards me (she had probably seen my hair cut by chemo and jumped to her own conclusions). I smiled at her and replied calmly "mmmmm, I wonder if having cancer can be classed as being disabled? mmm I rather think it does" at this point, I used the disabled loo and when I came out she couldn't meet my gaze.

On my way to the hospital I realised that I had a breast appointment sometime this week. Had I missed it? Oh panic! Quick telephone call later and I was told my appointment was at 9.30am tomorrow - phew! So a hospital day tomorrow. Wrexham Maelor in the morning and Chester City in the afternoon - and this was supposed to be my hospital week off!

Next week I have blood work booked followed by chemo!

Blinking hospitals!

I Feel Like I have Lost a Year of My Life

I do, I really do!

I look back on 2009 from the date I found the lump in January, through all my treatment and the fact that I won't start feeling myself until the new year and it upsets me because my entire world has been turned upside down.

.At this point; I know I should be grateful. Grateful that I found the lump and it hadn't spread and I am having treatment and I am alive but I feel as though I was FORCED onto a roller coaster ride I didn't want to go on and my life has run away with me. Roller coasters make you feel YUK so I think its a fairly good description of life as a cancer fighter

:0( No running

:0( No swimming

:0( No dog grooming business although some of my customers have been incredibly loyal

:0( I have missed out on so much fun with my kids; zoo trips, camping, riding........

:0( So tired all of the time I hate having to choose what activity I will do today

:0( Missed a great Take That Tribute party on 13th Feb when I was being sliced open

:0( Missed out on trips away with my friend

:0( Didn't get that family holiday abroad we were longing for

Ooooooh I could go on and on and on and on and on and on

Sorry I am being a bit moany today but sometimes being a Cancer Fighter makes me cross!

All I want for Christmas bugger the 2 front teeth I want my hair!!!

This is our trusty tent purchased about 15 years ago. We toured Wales in in before we had children and we had such fun. Last night, some friends called in on us, it was late when they left so we opened a bottle of red wine, lit the chiminea and tea lights then played music and videos on the laptop. Rather than take ourselves off to bed we decided to sleep in the tent on the air bed of course and what a lovely sleep I had too.

The little cage with the blue igloo is the home of one of my guineapigs "Patch".
Now we com to the title of my blog! This time last year, all I wanted was to lose weight and ditch the braces. The braces came off just before I found I had breast cancer so I have had to delay plans for caps and veneers. This year I still want to lose weight but more than that, I want my hair back! Look at me in this pretty summer dress (Joe Browns - love their clothes) and I look hideous cos I haven't got any hair!
Yuk! Fat face and bald! Not a good look. At least my teeth are straight!
This is just to show you that my hair is starting to grow back along with my eyebrows and eye lashes. It feels like baby hair with the odd bit of sandpaper feel where the follicals are bursting through.

Looks like one of my Christmas wishes will come true, I will have to work hard on the other one!

Session 2: Had a Blip now its gone

Had a bit of a bad day yesterday. Emotional, paranoid, tired, felt really pathetic and worthless.... I knew what was happening to me so I could understand and accept my state of mind. It was caused by a mole I found on my bald, plucked chicken head which made me get all worried about skin cancer. I have had a nights sleep and lots of supportive messages from friends and family and realise that I am ok but will get it checked out asap after the Easter Break.

We spent yesterday at Llanbedrog Beach where I promptly fell asleep for almost 2 hours. Joe made me a special sand chair and Harry was blowing up sand castles. Got a chill so went to the Bistro for a takeout coffee but they were short staffed and in the middle of a rush so had stopped that service but the manager took pity on me in my red woolly hat and made me a coffee anyway, how kind was that?

I thought I had come to terms with the lack of hair but the thing I hate about it the most is THE FEELING. Nobody prepares you for that, all the advice and literature I have read tells you about accepting your looks but for me, it is the feeling. Touching my head, feeling stubble, feeling bare scalp, the sensation, the touch, it turns my stomach. I know I will have to get used to this because it will be this way for the next 3 months and I will, I know I will but it is really hard and hard because I didnt expect it!

I ended up sleeping with Joe last night because we left Harry in our bed but then he took all the bed clothes and I got cold so went to sleep with Joe. I was hoping for a lie in and I got one. It was worth giving up my bed so that Harry slept in some more, he has been tired these last few days and needed some catch up.

Not sure what we are up to today. All I know is that it is Easter Sunday, the day of Resurrection and today we should be happy and thankful.