My Special Rock Garden

I collect stones from the beach when I visit. I don't choose a stone for its shape, I just let the stone draw me to it. I decided to decorate my front door step with the stones and painted them with uplifting words and sentences.

I then decided that I would paint the names of my friends who are fighting or have fought cancer. The idea is that as I cross over the threshold of my house each day (a few times a day) I see my friends names and my thoughts and prayers go out to them.

If you cannot see your name on a stone and you would like me to put your name on one then please let me know by leaving a comment. Barry Fraser, there is a stone with your name on it, it is small and white and I don't think it was captured in the shot.

I find painting the stones very theraputic. I don't know what colours I will use or what I will paint until I feel the stone in my hand.

Several friends have commented on my stones and how pretty they make the door step look and I have explained to them the reason for my particular rock garden.

If I come home feeling sad or angry, I just glance down at my stones as I turn the key in my door and I am reminded that I am surrounded by love, family, friends, hope, faith and strength.

PS: you see the Race for Life badge on my blog? I am doing the 2010 Race for Life in May for Cancer Research. I would appreciate sponsorship and this can be done online by following the link. Please help me to realise my vision of the future where all cancers are treatable.

Christmas Day 2009

This Christmas Day I want to wish everyone Christmas Blessings. It doesn't matter what your religeon is, it doesn't matter if you don't believe, all that matters is that we are here and we are sharing love and joy. My thoughts and prayers are with those who are less fortunate than me, those who are mourning the loss of loved ones, those who are ill, or trapped in conflict.

We have just had our Christmas dinner and I am so stuffed full of food! I am sitting here wearing my paper crown and watching the traditional Christmas edition of Top of the Pops, waiting for the Queens speech at 3pm. I have Wilbur curled up next to me, he stole a party popper and it exploded in his mouth. He was very scared and dejected and immediately came to me for reassurance, he is such a silly dog. I love Wilbur because there is not a nasty bone in his body, even if he has just met you he will look at you with such complete adoration, I think thats why when things go wrong or upset him he gets very hurt!

Pickles loves her new toys especially the dog beer! The dogs have had their Christmas dinner too and loved every morsal! Oh no! Pickles has started........ she is grumbling....... mumbling......... woofing....... she wants my coffee!

Just look at all the the gifts Santa brought my boys. The best part about it was that neither boys asked for much because I have taught them about the cost of things and both were over the moon with everything they had. Even though there were gifts I was unable to get for them, not a complaint was made, I am so proud of them.

Joe enjoys playing chess and all he wanted this Christmas was a proper chess set. The one we got him is hand carved and is beautiful, something I hope he will keep and treasure for years to come.

My boys got me this Steiff pony! She is a welcome addition to my collection of bears. I love Steiff creatures so much because of the attention to detail. I didn't know of this pony but its lovely and I will treasure it forever.

I have been so lucky this Christmas but the best of all is just being alive and well this Christmas, being with my family, enjoying them, relishing in their youth. They still believe in Father Christmas and its such a special time. This is probably the last year that Joe believes because he is off to high school in September.... bitter sweet.

So on this special and Holy day, I wish you all health and happiness this Christmas and for the coming new year.

Christmas Wishes

I can't believe that 2009 is nearly over!

2009 started off so well and yet two weeks into the new year I found my cancerous lump, quite by accident. I still feel as though this year has been a dream, the whole experience has been surreal. Perhaps thats my way of coping with the enormity of what has happened to me. I had cancer..... I have fought cancer..... it just doesn't seem to register in my mind.

So I think back to this time last year, life was so hectic then with my dog grooming business and all my customers wanting to be clipped and bathed in preparation for the festivities. The rush of shopping, the wrapping of presents and the being together. It was a lovely Christmas last year..... I had come to terms with my past, I had faced my demons and I was ready to enjoy life. I didn't know at the time that I hadn't faced the worst demon yet, that was to come on 16th January 2009, the day I found my lump.

I can't believe that I have been through every season this year, from winter, spring, summer, autumn and now back to winter! It all seems misty in my minds eye.

This Christmas I am not as fit as I was last year but I am ALIVE. Sitting upstairs, wrapping my sons gifts, I felt overwhelmed by the joy at being HERE to celebrate Christmas with them. I bought Joe some books and as I wrote in each one, dedicating them to him, I was more aware of how special those dedications will eventually become.

So THANK YOU GOD for me finding the cancer, THANK YOU for the surgeon who was able to remove it with a good clear margin, THANK YOU for it not having spread to my lymph nodes, THANK YOU for the new techniques and medicines I have and am benefiting from (sentinal node biopsy and herceptin), THANK YOU for getting me through chemotherapy, THANK YOU for the wonderful nurses and staff at the Shooting Star Unit but most of all, most of all, THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME LIVE ON.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Christmas

I remember Christmas' as a child. Mum would put a barrier across the stairs, she told us it was to stop our dog Patch from attacking Father Christmas but in reality it was to stop us three from going down stairs too early. This never worked though. We took our lead from our big brother Peter, he would usually wake me and Gareth up then we would follow him quietly down the stairs. He would help us over the barrier and be the first to enter our living room where our eyes would be amazed by the reality of Christmas. We each chose a seat or a sofa and put our name on it along with one of our socks. Our chair would be filled with gifts and socks stuffed with oranges and of course, a letter each from Santa! My big brother once told me that he had caught a glimpse of Father Christmas and do you know what? 35 years later and a part of me still believes him!

My parents didn't have alot of money in those days but you wouldn't think it looking at the amazing gifts we had. We didn't realise it at the time but alot of our gifts were second hand. I am thinking of my very first Raleigh 14 bike..... blue with white tyres and a huge box filled with Sindy doll clothes which amazed me. I can still recall the feeling of excitement and sheer joy at receiving those! One year, mum had been putting money down on a red pram I had wanted then literally a week before Christmas, I changed my mind and said I wanted a dolls house instead. My mum really wanted to please me and she made the most amazing dolls house you have ever seen. Oh I wish I had photographs of it! She made it out of a cardboard box and covered the roof with "tile" paper and brick paper for the outside. It had a door that opened, windows with curtains, she drew a rose tree climbing up the outside of the door. She made little pictures to hang on the wall papered walls and the floors were covered in carpets. She also made the furniture to go inside out of match boxes and bits of material. I loved that dolls house because of the detail and years later when I was bought a "real" one, it just couldn't compete with my first one.

I am lucky that my children are part of a Christian school and they are taught not just our faith but those of other religions too. They understand that Christmas is not just about getting the best presents but its about Jesus and being good people.

I have always taught them about money. When I used to empty my pockets after a days work, my son would say "wow, what alot of money" so I would then seperate it out and explain that this much is for fuel for the car, this much is for my groomers insurance, this much is to pay the phone bill etc etc. They understand that we don't have a bottom less pit of money and they request their gifts with that in mind. Joseff wants a really nice chess set and Harry wants a PSP like his brothers but ONLY a PSP because they are so expensive! His words, not mine. We have actually got him a reconditioned PSP at half the cost and he will have just as much fun with it.

I love Christmas and I always feel bereft on Boxing Day when it is all over for another year. I also feel quite emotional because I miss the loved ones lost. Nain, Taid, Peter, Auntie Lizzie.... This year I am going to light a candle and say a little prayer to them all.....

Fighting cancer this year has changed me so much. I have never been one to hold a grudge or do ill to others, gossip or wittingly do bad turns. I have always tried my best to be a nice person. This year I have let go of futile fudes and differences. I have forgiven but not forgotten and this year I am at peace with myself.

Peace be with you too.

Poetry Heals

I find solace in poetry, it has helped me through many a difficult time. As part of the Spirit Jump programme I was so sad to hear of the loss of one of the jumpees to whom I had just sent a spirit jump. I followed this up with a card of condolenct together with one of my favourite poems which comforted me greatly following my brothers death in 1990.



An Indian Prayer (Anon)

When I am dead
Cry for me a little
Think of me sometimes
But not too much,
Think of me now and again
As I was in life
At some moments it's pleasant to recall
But not for long.
Leave me in peace
And I shall leave you in peace
And while you live
Let your thoughts be with the living.

I was touched beyond belief to receive the most beautiful card from the family and I was told how much this poem meant to their father, that it healed him over night. I am so privelaged to have been able to transform a life with a simple gesture.

So listen to this. Gossip, nasty words, deeds can impact greatly on a life in such a negative way. Driving a nail deeper and deeper into the ground. Please don't choose this way of life. Don't gossip, don't relish in other peoples misery...... Instead, I beg you to do the opposite. Smile, give compliments, make a positive difference to someones day.

Throughout my fight with cancer, the text messages, face book messages, blogging messages, cards and word of mouth messages are what has kept me going. YOU reading this will have given one of those messages and I want YOU to know what a tremendously positive impact YOU have had on my life and for that I thank you.

Faith! I Believe.....

The picture above was taken at my friends daughters naming ceremony. This was the day before I started to lose my hair, I had it cut short in preparation but nothing, nothing on this world prepares you for losing your hair.

I don't know why, I can't give you an explanation.... but, deep in my heart (I am so scared to say this in case I jinx myself) I am so sure that I am cancer free...... I am so sure that I am not going to do this again. I have been given my test, I have past my test and now I am a stronger person, better equipt to deal with whatever is my purpose in this life.

I remember those years of trying for a baby; tests, pills, more tests...... Once I put my concerns to one side and accepted that this may not be my destiny.... I became pregnant with Joe. Having miscarried once, my pregnancy was threatened again..... I can't begin to tell you how it felt. I prayed and prayed that weekend and on the Tuesday, while walking across the car park, watching the ducks on the stream.... I was filled with a warm glow, as though some invisible arm was giving me a hug and the words came into my head "its going to be alright" .... and it was.

This is how I feel about cancer.

Day two of radiotherapy was not as traumatic as yesterday. I talked to some women with breast cancer, I joked about the colour of our tunics.... "why do I get the insipid yellow.... bright purple is much more me!" - nice to have a giggle at not so giggleable topics! It was lovely to hear a mother with her 4 year old daughter and father talking in welsh. I was able to understand their tittle tattle which pleased me because I have lost my tongue since the death of my Nain and Taid. So comforting to hear welsh spoken as Wrexham has become much more diluted in the last ten years..... It is such a wonderful language, spoken with a tune..... love it! Dwyn carwch cymraeg!

So, I have faith and I believe.......

On a final note: I was so sad to hear of the death of Patrick Swayze, I have had a crush on him for 22 years! Ghost came out just after my brothers death and although it broke my heart, his portrayal brought me comfort. My thoughts and prayers are with his wife Lisa who must be totally lost and crushed by this loss.

End of Chemo and PANDORA GROWS

Those of you who have been following my blog for some time, will know that my War with Breast Cancer is being commemorated by my collection of Pandora beads. My best friend started me off by giving me my Pandora bracelet, together with the Breast Cancer Pandora bead when I was a "supporting parent" for her daughter Chloe at her "naming ceremony" earlier this year. From then on, I have been marking each stage of my fight with a pandora beads. Some have been purchased by myself, others come as kind and thoughtful gifts - all come with LOVE.

I purchased the above bead myself to commemorate the start of the last session of chemo (one session consisted of 2 rounds of chemo a week apart) which also happened to fall on our 15th Wedding Anniversary.

I had such a rough time of the "wedding anniversary" chemo, with canulas not going in, veins shutting down and then the nurse pushing the chemo in so fast I became ill that my husband purchased this bead for me and it came from John Greed Designs the very next day. He wanted to cheer me up and I will treasure this particular bead forever. www.johngreeddesign.co.uk Super fast and efficient service from John Greed Designs, as always.

To mark the end of Chemotherapy, my best friend bought me this bead. This comes with such love, thought and caring because she understands just how much my faith means to me and how strong it has kept me in this fight. She herself is unconvinced so the gift is even more special because of this.

My final bead to mark the end of Chemotherapy came from my mother-in-law. I particularly wanted this bead because of its significance in my cancer fight. Early on, at the start of my treatment, a friend sent me Reiki healing in the middle of the night. I received the healing in the form of a vibrant blue butterfly. I didn't realise its significance until it came up in conversation. Forever in my life, a blue butterfly will mean love, hope, strength and faith.....

My bracelet is not yet complete. I have to tackle radiotherapy, my first hair cut (can't wait), my first swim, my first running race, getting to goal weight, my one year after surgery, herceptin. Once it is complete, it will be an eclectic range of beads and colours but to me.... it will be priceless and a lasting reminder that life is good, life is wonderful, life is for living........

MY LAST ROUND OF CHEMO WAS TODAY - WHOOP! WHOOP!

This is the cake I had made for the staff at Wrexham's Shooting Star Unit where I have received my chemotherapy. I ordered it from a local shop called "Sugar and Spice" on Charles Street www.sugarandspice-wrexham.co.uk and he did me proud! Don't let the white icing deceive you, underneath there lies a CHOCOLATE CAKE!!!!!!!!! I had the words of Mike Peters on the cake www.thealarm.co.uk "Love, Hope, Strength" because that is how I cope with my fight.

Can you hear the happiness in my voice? Can you hear it as my fingers dance lively across my keyboard?

My last round of chemo is over! Done, gone, gone forever! Hurray!

My nurse was Sarah and she is so lovely, well they all are! She tried to get a line in my compromised arm but for some reason, failed. The vein they had used last week was still badly bruised. She checked out my other arm and the veins were pretty useless so rather than traumatise me like last week, she called the doctor and he managed to get a line in. Not as gently as most of the nurses I must say, but at least it was in.

Sarah suggested that given my situation I may like to consider a port for my herceptin. She said that my oncologist doesn't normally do ports but she would talk to the doctor and it could be a possibility. I will not deny it because my veins are small and this has been a nightmare.

Sarah was so kind, she pushed the drugs in very slowly so it didn't hit me like a truck like last week. Consequently, I am not feeling as bad as I did this time last week; then I got home and spent the next 24 hours lieing in bed! At least I have felt well enough to lounge around in my PJ's. My tummy hurts so much and my arms and legs are weak but I think my elation of finishing chemo is helping keep the side effects to a minimum.

We went to Sainsburys for a bite to eat post chemo which was nice. We both had the mega all day breakfast which consisted of; 2 eggs (I gave one to Jason), 2 sausages (I gave one to Jason), bacon, mushrooms, tomatoes, beans and chips (fries for you Americans reading this). Yummy!

So my friends....... this chapter is closed and the next one is opening. I just want to thank you all; my friends and family for sticking by me, for all the positive comments which has kept my fire burning. I thank Mike Peters of The Alarm for his inspirational music, which, on my darkest days have helped me to renew the fight.

On a final note..... I thank my brothers Peter and Gareth for being my brothers. Peter and I now share a day in the year......10th September for different reasons. His day took him away from us, my day keeps me with everyone but he is always with me in spirit. I put sunflowers on his grave today post chemo, he was like a sunflower for me... Tall, Strong, Straight and like the sun he shone and will always shine in my heart........

Wake Me Up When September Ends

June 1984, Ryton Police Training Centre. Peters passing out. L-R: My dad, Peter, my younger brother Gareth adn my mum.

The flowers at Peters funeral. The pink posy was from his little daughter, the one next to it (the heart) was from me. The gold one from Auntie Heather and Uncle Phil and the large one with red roses was from Team 5 CMB - Peters work colleagues.

This is the song by Green Day, a fabulous and moving song. I identify with it perfectly because my big brother Peter died in September; September 10th 1990. The words encapsulate exactly how I feel/felt, it will be 20 years though next year in 2010. Now, my very last chemo session should take place on that date, 19 years on. It will be a day of mixed emotions. Going through the last session of evil drugs, missing my brother....

I did try to bring joy to the month by getting married on 3rd September and it did, it did... but September is always a difficult month for me.

Such a morbid topic, such a sad one.... However, as September and the end of my chemo approaches, my thoughts do turn to Peter and the co-incidental date.

The floral tributes to Peter were amazing but these days it makes me too sad to visit his grave, I prefer to look into nature and think of him that way. If I do lay flowers down then they are sunflowers; tall, strong and bright, just like him. I usually put money into animal charities though, quietly and only him and I know.

Nightingale House have been planting Forget-Me-Knot flowers to raise money for the hospice and I have donated one in Peters name and one for my Nain. Flowers, thats a lovely way to be remembered.

Today We Went to Speke Hall, Liverpool

Speke Hall is owned by the National Trust and is only a short drive away from our home. However, we have never been there until today. Sadly, Liverpool Airport is attached to the property so Ryan Air flies over the house regularly and drowns out any conversation.

The Hall was built around 1495 at the time of the reformation, Tudor times. The owner was a staunch Catholic and although working for the crown, continued with his beliefs. I was amazed to find a "Priest Hole" which was used to hide the priests if the crown came calling. You could actually see the ladder which they would climb up and hide in a small cavity. Apparently no priests were caught at Speke Hall although the designer of the Priests Holes was found and executed: Hung, Drawn and Quartered.

It was a beautiful hall and had been lived in as a home up until 1920's. This was a time when most properties went into dis-service due to deaths during the wars and death tax which crippled land owners.

The gardens were lovely too, further enhanced by a lovely summers day.

The building is made from wattle and daub which is a mixture of dung, wood and hay. Up until victorian times it would have been brown, it was during this time that the Victorian fashion was to paint such buildings black and white. There was even a hole in the eaves of the main door so that servants could scutinize callers, hence the term "Eaves Dropping". Also, the beds all had "roofs" and this was to protect the occupants from the insects coming out of the wattle and daub ceiling.

The lady here is in period dress of the time the house was built. She is actually corsetted in the tradional way and both the fabric and colour are true to those times. Apparently, Queen Elizabeth I set standards and protocal for landed gentry and the colour of the fabric reflected your social status. Red and Black being colours of high rank.

This is Joe on the lawn of Speke Hall. Dig the different coloured socks! Joe is always complaining that his socks go missing and this is his way of rebelling. I think it is quite cute!

Jason and Harry walking around the side of the house. Harry didn't want his photo taken so you can just see him trying to avoid the camara.

This was a side entrance into the gardens from the front part of the house.




Joe and Harry in the gardens.

We had a nice ride on a golfing type buggy up to the house. It wasn't far but the old man offered us a lift and the boys were thrilled by the experience.

We had lunch in the cafe which was part of the old stable block and it was very nice. The boys then played in the rustic park while I lay on the grass listening to the sound of children and Swallows chipping away and flying over head. It was blissful. The sun was hot on my skin and I was so relaxed just chilling and enjoying the scene.

When we got home I received a visit from my vicar. We chatted in the garden over a cup of tea and he has offered to bless my new and temporary wedding ring for me either in a special service or as part of the normal service, he is also putting my name on the prayer list. Before he left he prayed for me and my family with the laying of hands on my head. It was a very moving experience and I am so grateful for this as my faith is something I hold dear.

A very good day. I am tired now and my tummy is playing up but it is still a good day.