Spring is Approaching

L-R: Joseff, Harry, Cola, Jason and Margaret

This time last year, I didn't know what the future held for me. I was recovering from a lumpectomy with a haematoma and facing my first round of chemotherapy. It was a scarey time because I didn't know how I would be affected.

This time last year I would never have believed how different my life would be. I am physically weaker than I was but emotionally stronger, I am hoping that with time I will become physically stronger and fitter once again.

So now we have a magnificent pony in our lives. Coca Cola, a native Fell pony who is a complete and utter darling.

Photo taken by Harry of Cola

I have a Mini Cooper and a pony - wow! I could never have predicted that!

So, spring is approaching. I can see that by Colas moulting coat, the longer days, the crocus bursting through in the garden. I am excited by the prospect of better weather and longer days and all the joys they will bring with them.

My Harry

So a year on and I am living a different but much better life. I don't get phased by stuff like when Harry exploded his jelly ball all over the new carpet and made some stains on it! What is the point, they are things, they can be replaced but people can't and love can't.

New Life

This time last year I was recovering from my lumpectomy and lymph node sampling ops. I could barely move, a massive haematoma saw to that and the anesthetic knocked me for six. Everythiing I ever did was stopped; my mobile dog grooming business, swimming, running and all the races I had planned..... I really couldn't see beyond the day in hand let alone dream of a future. The thing that kept playing in my head was the conversation I had with my surgeon "I have just about ruined this year for you, but the next 40 are going to be great..." I didnt believe him at the time.. about the next 40 being great!

A year on, my life has changed beyond recognition. I don't get stressed like I used to.... whats the point? So what if the kids play up? So what if things go wrong? In the whole scheme of things, I have been to hell and back. I have looked death in the face and walked away.

I have a fab new car - my mini cooper and a wonderful addition to our family in the shape of Cola. I am running and swimming again and even doing some yoga!

Anybody reading this who may be going through cancer treatment right now.... believe me, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Life will be bigger and better!

The Gathering Part 4

The rest of the weekend went way too fast for us! We enjoyed the Battle of the Bands during the afternoon when the bands played against a panel of judges to decide who would be warming up for the Alarm that evening. The evening gig was amazing but sadly, I fatigued and had to sit out but we could still see the stage and hear the music. We didn't make it to see Children of the Revolution at midnight or the punk rock kareoke but we loved what we did see. I keep forgetting that I am still recovering from chemo.

At 10am on the Sunday we met in the Love Hope Strength Foundation suite and after a speech from Mike and a collective sing song of Love Hope and Strength we took a stroll to the beach. Somebody forgot to check the tidal times because the waves were crashing against the barriers when we got there. Mike stood on the wave barriers and gave us an acoustic performance of Rain in the Summertime as he was splashed by the sea.

Back at the site, after a full english breakfast we met Mike and Jules and he gave me a personal message "Never give up without a fight". Jules thanked me for the care package I sent her and she was so sweet.

Today I had my mammogram. It wasn't pleasant as the scar tissue hurt when under the machine. Now I have to wait until the end of the month before I know the results.

February is an eventful month for me! On Friday we are going to look at a Fell pony in Staffordshire, I am doing the school quiz on Friday night in aid of the PTA, the week after we are going to the Take That Tribute Night (a year to the day of my operation), I have various hospital appointments and on 27th I am doing a sponsored Ghost Hunt at the Tower in Mold in aid of Wrexham Maelor Special Care Baby Unit. Phew! Will I manage it all!!! Yes I will!

Race for Life 2010

I took part in the 2008 Race for Lifeand at the time I had no experience with cancer. I didn't really know anyone who had had the disease and at 41 I didn't think I would get it.

I ran for all those who have fought cancer or who are fighting cancer, in particular Mike Peters of The Alarm. He is a two time cancer survivor having fought two types of leukemia in the last 10 or 15 years. I wanted to raise awareness for his charity the Love Hope Strength Foundation so having gotten in touch with Shannon Foley, I received a badge which I placed on my race card along with Mike Peters name and I managed to raise some money for Cancer Research.

A year ago I found a lump in my breast quite by accident. It wasn't a small lump either so I don't know how I missed that. On 4th February 2009 I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer which was hormone and HER2 receptive, in other words - aggressive!

On 13th February my tumour was removed via a lumpectomy and I had a sentinal node biopsy. After many prayers I discovered that the tumour had been removed with a good clear margin and the cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes so no further surgery was necessary. The operation itself was painful as I suffered a large haematoma which took months and months to clear and has stretched the scar so its not as neat as it should be but who am I to complain, they got the cancer out didn't they?!

On 20th March I started my regime of chemotherapy: 4 lots of Epi-Reubison every 3 weeks then 8 lots of CMF week 1, week 2 with a two week break. My veins managed to supply my body with the poisen right up until the end when they collapsed. Then followed radiotherapy. On 2nd October 2009 the most radical part of my treatment was over.

I have herceptin via IV every 3 weeks and regular heart scans, the herceptin carries a risk of heart damage, oh, yes, and I am on tamoxifen for the next 5 years.

Right now my energy is back, I am able to discipline the kids, walk the dogs and run! Wow! How I missed running so much!

So.... this year I have JUST entered the 2010 Race for Life in May! This time I am not only doing it for Mike Peters, I am doing it for ME among a number of my new bloggin/facebook friends!

My sponsorship link is on my blog please, please, please will you sponsor me!

I have benefited from new break throughs in cancer treatment...... the sentinal node biopsies have only been around in the past few years - this has meant that I have my mobility and I am at a lesser risk of developing a painful condition called lympodemia. HERCEPTIN - the wonder drug which targets the HER2 cancer cells..... the new breed of cancer treatment I hope!

Being Grateful

Image is courtsey of google search engine

I read a magazine article recently which suggests that by writing down 5 things you are grateful each day for when you wake up, makes you a happier and more content person.

I am always ready to try anything which might have a positive outcome so I did that this morning and I will share them with you today;

1. I am grateful for not drinking wine last night, I feel so much better this morning as a result.

2. I am grateful because Harry is getting better, he was so poorly yesterday with a high temperature and I found it really distressing.

3. I am grateful for being alive, that my lumpectomy was a success. Scars? Doesn't matter because I am alive to see Joseff and Harry growing up.

4. I am grateful for having such a sensible son in Joseff. He is so good, takes everything in his stride. I wish I could split my time more evenly. Harry takes so much of my attention.

5. I am grateful to be able to "SEE" because without my sight I would miss so much.

I won't give you a daily report on my 5 things I am grateful for each day because they will probably end up being mostly the same!

Review of the last decade....

Somebody mentioned a review of the decade on facebook and I decided to blog about things which have meant something to me, personnally. You will probably find alot of it boring, but it is theraputic for me! They come in no particular order.

I had the car of my dreams, my MINI COOPER - our first ever brand new car

I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I fought and beat Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I beat depression in 2008 following therapy with a brilliant guy Dave Atkinson and for the first time in my life, accepted myself

I beat my disordered eating pattern

I lost all my hair!

I gave birth to my second son Harry Llewelyn in May 2001

9/11 and the aftermath

My son was diagnosed autistic and I fought for years to get help for him and I eventually did!

I re-trained as a dog groomer

I set up and ran a successful part time business as a dog groomer for 4 years until cancer struck

I have had my hair long, short and bald!

I learnt how to blog and opened up a whole new world of friendship

Tony Blair got kicked out of government - sadly, not before he did the country alot of damage

The unnecessary war in Afghanistan and loss of so many livesI met HM the Queen and Prince Philip when they visited Wrexham. What a charming couple!

I did the Race for Life in 2008 - my first ever race

I got back together with my dad

I started running seriously

I made a Digital Story about Harry to help teach those in authorities how hard it is for children like him

I got my eldest son through his "issues" and at the age of 9 he actually ate Pizza (mixed up food)

The list is endless but to sum it up... it has been a difficult decade for me in lots of ways. I have battled and conquered disordered eating and depression. I have had two children with special needs and I have dealt with them successfully. If they hadn't had me as a mum, they would be prisoners of their own disorder. I have battled cancer and come out the other side. I lived for 3 years with virtually no sleep because Harry was such a troubled sleeper. Despite it all..... I am HERE and I am ready, just ready to make the next decade count.

New Year - No Resolutions!!

This year I have decided that I am not going to have New Years Resolutions, instead, I am going to have targets or objectives.

They are quite simple ones really;

1. I want to run the 2010 Race for Life and raise money for Cancer Research. I ran it in 2008 for Mike Peters but couldn't do it in 2009 because my cancer treatment left me too drained. 2010 I am going to do it for me and my other cancer fighting friends, you know who you are!

2. I want to run my first 10k race. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year I had almost finished training for my first 10k race which was due to take place on 1st March in Farndon. The pain caused by my biopsy and surgery meant that it was impossible for me to do this. I won't be fit enough in time for the next Farndon 10K but I am going to look for another one during the year and raise some money for Cancer research or the MacMillan information centre in Wrexham Hospital.

3. I want to reach my goal weight. My hormones went crazy in 2008 which meant I went up 2 dress sizes and gained 2 stone. I had lost a stone in weight when I was diagnosed with cancer. I was unable to keep on with weight watchers during treatment. I was craving carbohydrates and cheese and who was I to deny my poor body such pleasures? Also, the tamoxifen and steroids have caused bloating most of which has gone but I still can't wear my wedding, engagement and eternity rings. However, I AM wearing my Nain's wedding ring (welsh for grandmother) and my Great Auntie Lizzies engagement ring.

4. I want to learn Reiki. It is something I have wanted to do for years, I want to use it in my work with dogs and animals. I am fed up with dogs coming to me nervous or traumatised by the grooming process and I have always sought ways to make the matter more comfortable for them. I have used DAP spray, booked in extra time for nervous clients at no extra cost, so Reiki for me will be such a good tool for easing the distress of these animals.

These are all achievable targets so as we get through 2010 and I complete each one, lets celebrate together!

Christmas Wishes

I can't believe that 2009 is nearly over!

2009 started off so well and yet two weeks into the new year I found my cancerous lump, quite by accident. I still feel as though this year has been a dream, the whole experience has been surreal. Perhaps thats my way of coping with the enormity of what has happened to me. I had cancer..... I have fought cancer..... it just doesn't seem to register in my mind.

So I think back to this time last year, life was so hectic then with my dog grooming business and all my customers wanting to be clipped and bathed in preparation for the festivities. The rush of shopping, the wrapping of presents and the being together. It was a lovely Christmas last year..... I had come to terms with my past, I had faced my demons and I was ready to enjoy life. I didn't know at the time that I hadn't faced the worst demon yet, that was to come on 16th January 2009, the day I found my lump.

I can't believe that I have been through every season this year, from winter, spring, summer, autumn and now back to winter! It all seems misty in my minds eye.

This Christmas I am not as fit as I was last year but I am ALIVE. Sitting upstairs, wrapping my sons gifts, I felt overwhelmed by the joy at being HERE to celebrate Christmas with them. I bought Joe some books and as I wrote in each one, dedicating them to him, I was more aware of how special those dedications will eventually become.

So THANK YOU GOD for me finding the cancer, THANK YOU for the surgeon who was able to remove it with a good clear margin, THANK YOU for it not having spread to my lymph nodes, THANK YOU for the new techniques and medicines I have and am benefiting from (sentinal node biopsy and herceptin), THANK YOU for getting me through chemotherapy, THANK YOU for the wonderful nurses and staff at the Shooting Star Unit but most of all, most of all, THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME LIVE ON.

Happy Christmas everyone!

How Do We Solve a Problem like My Harry?

I have had to focus on myself this last year. I have had to somehow get through cancer treatment and get to the end of the year. I have done it! However, during this time I have not been able to be as hands on with my sons, especially Harry who is autistic and has communication difficulties. I was always pro-active with Mr H and always watching him but after the months I have had, I have distanced myself. I have had to, otherwise I just couldn't have coped.

Both my kids have had so much to deal with aside from their difficulties. They have seen their mum worried, scared, sad, angry, seen the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. They have seen my hair fall out and re-grow. What a difficult situation for "normal" kids.

Harry is having difficulty coping with his emotions at the moment and it is becoming a growing problem as he hurts others which is not acceptable. I am worried sick that he will grow up to be in constant trouble. I think this has been a big contributor to why I have been so depressed this weekend.

I bought the book "Volcano in my Tummy" a couple of years ago but like alot of strategies it wasn't right for Harry at the time. Now he is older, I am going to be using this book to teach him about his anger and how he can manage it without hurting others.


I have just spent £30 with Amazon on a selection of other books about anger and dealing with it in a more positive way. I won't bombard Harry with the books but will use them to drip feed the message. I will bring school on board with my plan so that it can be further re-inforced there.

Lets hope these books work! I have already used others similar to this "Is It Right to Fight" etc with great success.

I will let you know how we progress!

Being a mum is the hardest job I have ever done but the most rewarding. Sometimes though, I just wish..... I just wish with all my heart that I could have had a more "average" or, dare I say it? "normal" experience of parenting.

Walking

Pickles

I had a wonderful walk today with the three dogs; Pickles, Wilbur and Poppy. It was a beautiful autumn day, the sky was blue, the sun was shining, it was just perfect.

While we were out on our walk, I marveled at all the wonderful things around me. The old, old Oak trees, holes in the ditches which must be somebodies home, blackberries on the bushes, elderberries and sloes.... it was lovely.

I have decided, that if I am blessed with another such day then I am taking my camera with me and I am going to take you all on my walk, so that I can share some of the lovely things I have seen.

I bumped into my friend Rachel with her daughter and their dog Molly so we had a lovely chat. I also saw Dave Golf, the greensman at the golf course and had a chat with him. It is so nice to be getting back to normal again.

Mind you, I over did things yesterday and now my breast and arm are aching and throbbing. I have taken it easy today, lets hope things are better tomorrow.

Oooh, almost forgot to mention.... I saw some pink sheep today as well! Hopefully I will be able to get a picture of them tomorrow!

Radiotherapy, sore boobs, Tamoxofen and Feeling Good

Considering the last year has been so awful, over the last few days I have been feeling more and more like my old self. I dont know whether it is the relief of finishing the radical part of my treatment or that chemo was 4 weeks ago. Yesterday I cleaned my house and carried on all day without hitting that tiredness wall that I was used to with chemo.

Today, my breast is still sore from radiotherapy. I have been advised to cover my breast in E45 cream or diprobase and let it sink in and to do this a few times a day. The worst part is the nipple area which feels like it did during the early days of breast feeding. You know the soreness? When your baby cries and your toes curl at the thought of feeding.

Anyway; I have discovered a way to ease and soothe that area! BREAST PAD.... the ones you have when you are nursing. I cover that in diprobase and not only does it keep the cream in place but it offers padding. So if you are reading this and are facing radiotherapy following a lumpectomy.... GET YOURSELF SOME BREAST PADS!

My next dilema is Tamoxifen.

I picked it up today and I will start taking it tomorrow morning. However, crazy though it seems after 12 rounds of chemo and 15 of radiotherapy, I am scared stiff of the side effects. I suppose it is because I will have to take this tablet for 5 years. I am dreading swelling or weight gain. I already have 2 + stone to lose.

Incidentally; these particular tablets were made by CP Pharmaceuticals in WREXHAM. I went for a job there once as a buyer and was shortlisted to 2 - didn't get it though.

My friend Dennise called on me yesterday and brought with her the most beautiful bouquet of flowers as pictured here on my bed and below in my Portmeirion jug in my bedroom window. They are so gorgeous but the reason I love them so much is because they are not shop bought. Dennise carefully selected each flower and stem and tied them together in such an artistic way. She wanted to give me something to celebrate end of treatment and wanted something to reflect the time of year.

These photographs do not do the arrangement justice. Dennise also has breast cancer and has her last round of chemotherapy in a weeks time.

I also received another gift from a my friend Sherry which is delightful. The picture is handcrafted to reflect both our battles and our connection to each other. This picture is going to be placed into my shelving unit with my two collectors teddy bears.

How kind friends are and it is kindness such as this that brightens a persons life and can even save a life. Thank you all.

Oh.... I forgot...... Mike Peters and his team reached the summitt of Kilimanjaro yesterday! Well done guys!

Good Results!

Mum, Me, Fudge and Al in Mums back garden (Harry took the photo)

I had good news from the hospital today. I had a check up with my Breast Surgeon, Mr Cochrane who is a complete teddy bear and everything is fine. He checked my bones, liver, lungs, breasts (obviously) and give me a clean bill of health. He also confirmed that because of my ample boobs he was able to remove a good clear margin which gives me a good prognosis. He was so sweet, took time to talk to me and was very reassuring. As you can imagine, I left the hospital with a big smile on my face. I will have a mammogram in January followed by a consultation with him in February.

In addition to this, I got chatting to some fab people at the unit. One goes to the support group, another was someone we just got talking too and we had a cup of tea and a chat. Next to those lovely painted windows seen in my earlier blog.

I was completely shattered so ended up spending a couple of hours catching up on sleep. The children were spending the day with mum - they had plans to pick some apples for me. Yesterday they collected apples and made apple pie, eating it fresh from the oven! It was lovely for the children and for me because they collected me some peaches too!

Joe wants me to make apple pancakes but I will have to dig out the recipe.

I had my new lower retainer fitted AND, I brought the mould of my lower teeth home for Harry to look at - he loves things like that, skeletons and stuff...

So, altogether a very successful day!

I Feel Like I have Lost a Year of My Life

I do, I really do!

I look back on 2009 from the date I found the lump in January, through all my treatment and the fact that I won't start feeling myself until the new year and it upsets me because my entire world has been turned upside down.

.At this point; I know I should be grateful. Grateful that I found the lump and it hadn't spread and I am having treatment and I am alive but I feel as though I was FORCED onto a roller coaster ride I didn't want to go on and my life has run away with me. Roller coasters make you feel YUK so I think its a fairly good description of life as a cancer fighter

:0( No running

:0( No swimming

:0( No dog grooming business although some of my customers have been incredibly loyal

:0( I have missed out on so much fun with my kids; zoo trips, camping, riding........

:0( So tired all of the time I hate having to choose what activity I will do today

:0( Missed a great Take That Tribute party on 13th Feb when I was being sliced open

:0( Missed out on trips away with my friend

:0( Didn't get that family holiday abroad we were longing for

Ooooooh I could go on and on and on and on and on and on

Sorry I am being a bit moany today but sometimes being a Cancer Fighter makes me cross!

Session 4/12 New Phase

Sorry, this is not a very good picture but I was inspired to publish a photo of my lumpectomy scar which is around 3 1/2 inches long. This has been taken about 3 months after the operation. I just remembered how scared I was before the operation, I didn't know what I would end up looking like. As you can see, its not too bad and pretty soon the pink will disappear and it will blend in more!! So...... if you are reading my blog, waiting for a lumpectomy, I sincerely hope that this picture reassures you.

My husband is returning to work today, another new phase in this cancer fight. His employers have been fantastic, I never could have believed an organisation could be so supportive. He is going back on reduced hours and we will see how we all get on.

My mother in law is coming over today to look after the kids as they are on holiday from school this week, they will have great adventures today so I hope it stays dry for them. Its a blowy day and I am enjoying listening to my wind chimes on the pergola outside. My legs are cold but then again, they always are these days!

My friend has gone on holiday and I am looking after her dog, Poppy and her daughters rabbit Albert. I have started a new blog for Alberts holiday adventure mainly so that C can monitor his holiday and be reassured that he is having fun and being well cared for. Oh what fun! Actually, this morning I took my cuppa tea to the bottom of the garden and sat, talking to the rabbits and enjoying their company. Rabbits!