Road Traffic Collision

Yesterday I had an RTC - a road traffic collision! They used to call it RTA - Road Traffic Accident but the word accident had "implications" re blame etc so they changed it to collison.

We were cycling home from Cola, Harry was in front of me because I have to keep a close eye on him. Cycling behind Harry is precarious enough as it is and last night... he got me. We were almost home and suddenly he swerved out in front of me and caught my front tyre. There was nothing I could do to stop myself so the bike fell and I skidded on the tarmac.

I lay there startled for a bit and Harry started getting upset, he wanted me to get up and off the road in case a car came and squashed me so he said, so he helped me get up. No damage to my bike, Harrys plastic mud guard was snapped off and all I can say is that it was a good job that I was wearing my riding jacket because I scraped and bruised my elbow and hip and blood was seeping through my jeans at the knee. Nothing major it just means that I will be more achey for a few days and of course I was badly shaken.

The fall really messed up my mojo but what messed with it even more was the fact that I discovered that I had lost my weight watchers pedometer. The boys and I searched and searched but it was gone. It sounds really daft, but the pedometer is what has got my weight loss going and since I had it I lost half a stone so I became really down and started to think about comfort food.......

However, my weight watchers leader is a friend on facebook and I contacted her and as a result I was able to call at her house to buy a new pedometer and she discounted it for me. It gave me my mojo back and I stopped thinking about comfort food.

In addition to this, Harry and his little friends hatched a plan to sell their unwanted DVD's to raise money to buy me a new pedometer.

So it was a nasty do but goodness and kindness came out of it in the form of those I care about helping me.

On another note, thank you for your support on my changing my blog. Hopefully I will get it up and running in a few days and I already have an idea for a final post on Cancer Ain't Gonna Beat Me.

Life is Amazing!

(Click on images to enlarge)

Christmas always awakens a whole range of emotions for me. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong, its got to be the best time of year, I love it but I do get swamped with alsorts of feelings and emotions and occasionally I feel overwhelmed.

I saw my eldest son Joseff perform his last ever Christmas play in primary school. I have known all of his classmates since they were babies and it was so strange seeing them up there on stage performing their hearts out. The picture above is of me and Joseff, I think he was only a few weeks old in the picture. When he was born, I considered myself the luckiest person in the whole world. I had been on fertility treatment for years and had almost given up hope of having children when he came along.

Joseff had his Christening in Gresford Parish Church on 27th December 1998 aged 10 weeks old. From left to right: Julie, Angela, Me & Joe, Jason, Amanda & Kieran and Karl.

Keiran is now a strapping young man!

I can't begin to describe how exhilerated and wonderful I felt when this photo was taken. Joseff had only just been born and I couldn't wait to get him back in my arms again. He was born in the early hours of the morning following just 2 hours of labour. We both went into shock but he was born safely just as the doctors arrived. I remember going onto the ward with him and just staring at him for hours.

Harry didn't like Father Christmas when he was 2 years old. He just wanted to grab his present and go! I love this photo so much! I wish I had known about his condition then, maybe I would have considered the impact of Father Christmas a little more and been a bit more sympathetic to his very real fear.

Harry loved Buzz Lightyear, he was his favourite toy for a long time until eventually he did actually fall apart. I remember clearly the day he preteneded to be Buzz in Dodleston Park. He was on a climbing frame, about 4ft in the air when I saw him press his imaginary button, make all the right sounds before his jump..... Luckily we got to him in time and disaster was avoided. Harry always gets into character when he is playing, he BECOMES the person he is playing which sounds cute but not when it involves flying, jumping and other dangerous activities.





This time of year I think about my loved ones. Dear Peter, forever 25. Last night I watched the Royal Variety Performance on TV and Bette Midler performed "Wind Beneath my Wings". I cried my heart out because I used to play that after Peter died, it says everything about how I felt about him because he was my heroe I used to idolise him.

Today is the 20th anniversary of my Nains death. She was a remarkable lady, with a beautiful face, equally beautiful smile and a twinkle in her eye.

Life is pretty amazing really. Yes, I have lost loved ones tragically, yes I have been through fertility treatment and miscarriage, I have children with speech & communication difficulties and one who is autistic and I have just battled breast cancer. However, each of these situations has made me the person I am today. I am proud and so glad to have been able to know my Nain, I am so lucky to have had such a devoted big brother in Peter. No matter what the ever lasting pain of their loss has inflicted on me, it was worth the honour and privelage of having them in my life. I am lucky to still have mum and dad in my life and a lovely little brother, Gareth not to mention my Auntie Heather and Uncle Phil.

So.... against all odds, I have it all. I wonderful husband and two glorious boys. I have fought cancer and will continue to do so because I intend to be around for many years to come. Life has so much to offer and I am currently just deciding what I am going to do with it. There was a time that I dreaded feeling this happy because something always happened to snatch my happiness away..... I don't think anything will happen this time, I have a feeling in my heart.

My plans for the future include practicing Reiki, running to raise money for cancer research and autism, opening a dog grooming salon and God willing..... becoming a Nain x

Today..... I Ran!!!!!

Today, I bit the proverbial bullet and started my running programme and it made me feel amazing.

I am following the ZEST Running Made Easy Plan and have started where I have never had to before, at the complete beginners place! Last year I was following the same plan but for a 10K race and was almost through it when I was diagnosed with cancer.

These recent weeks, one thing I have noticed is that although I feel so much better than before, my body is weaker than it has ever been in my entire life and I get tired quickly. Bearing that in mind, I have decided not to do my usual "jumping in with 2 feet" but to pace myself and take it slowly. So today it was 60 seconds run and 3 minutes walk x 3.

I read a running book once which advised a slow run/walk training programme because apparently your CV system gets fitter alot quicker than your body which is why alot of people succumb to shin splints and tendon injuries. Now, I know that I do have a dodgy hip flexor and delicate knees so I am bearing this fact in mind.

As I ran today, I remembered that it was this time last year that I was attacked by a German Shepherd whilst out on a run. I had planned to do a 5K run to a small village called Doddleston and back. I was happily running along when with no warning at all, the dog ran out onto the road and attacked me. He punctured my thigh and my instinct was to run so the dog continued on her attack. In a blink of an eye I took control of the situation and my two thoughts were, one: I must stay on my feet and two: I mustn't let the dog have anything to grab onto. I then turned my back on the dog, pulled my arms over my face and head and tightened my body. The dog was obviously making a go for my arm but instead, bit into my side just milimetres away from my breast. She bit through a base layer, a running top and a very heavily constructed running bra.

The farmer called the dog off and I reported the incident to the police. The dog has been put on the bite register and if there are any further incidents then she will be destroyed. I declined the offer of a lift home and instead walked the 2 miles back. I grabbed a quick shower to make sure that the wounds were clean then off to the doctors for a tetanus and antibiotics!

My mum is adamant to this day that the shock of the incident is what triggered my breast cancer. All I know is that for 6 weeks after the attack I succumbed to every illness going including cellulitus to my arm.....

I think back to this time last year and although only 12 months have passed, it seems like 12 years, like another lifetime.

I Feel Like I have Lost a Year of My Life

I do, I really do!

I look back on 2009 from the date I found the lump in January, through all my treatment and the fact that I won't start feeling myself until the new year and it upsets me because my entire world has been turned upside down.

.At this point; I know I should be grateful. Grateful that I found the lump and it hadn't spread and I am having treatment and I am alive but I feel as though I was FORCED onto a roller coaster ride I didn't want to go on and my life has run away with me. Roller coasters make you feel YUK so I think its a fairly good description of life as a cancer fighter

:0( No running

:0( No swimming

:0( No dog grooming business although some of my customers have been incredibly loyal

:0( I have missed out on so much fun with my kids; zoo trips, camping, riding........

:0( So tired all of the time I hate having to choose what activity I will do today

:0( Missed a great Take That Tribute party on 13th Feb when I was being sliced open

:0( Missed out on trips away with my friend

:0( Didn't get that family holiday abroad we were longing for

Ooooooh I could go on and on and on and on and on and on

Sorry I am being a bit moany today but sometimes being a Cancer Fighter makes me cross!

Session 2 of 12: Oh It is a Blue Week

We are back home from the caravan. I woke up that morning feeling pretty ill..... headache, sick and just plain.... ill. Wasn't sure if I would make it home.

We made it home though and I can't tell you how wonderful it was to see my dogs again. How I missed Pickles and Wilbur (Wilbur pictured here) and all of my other animals. It was great to see mum as well and just be home. It is amazing how wonderful the familiar things are when you are not feeling 100%

I have been feeling pretty blue. I didn't realise just how much my hair loss would affect me. I look like a kiwi fruit! Seriously, my head is so cold and I feel ugly and vulnerable.

You see, before my hair loss, I could put on my makeup, wear my smile and "SHOW TIME" I can hide what I really feel like from the rest of the world. Now my hair is gone, I feel as though I can't hide anymore because everyone can see and everyone knows. My mask is uncovered.

The children were pleased to be at home with their friends and toys. Harry couldn't wait to get out onto his bike while I unpacked and kept watch from my bedroom window. It only took a couple of minutes and disaster struck. One of the older kids from our street took Harry's bike. Harry had left it standing (on its stand) by our car and in front of our house, but as what often happens, the older kids take his bike and run off with it, discarding it when they have finished teasing. This happened but the child left the bike outside a neighbours drive, said neighbour didn't check and ran over the bike not just once but twice!!!!! £200 worth of damage in a second!

The neighbour then proceeded to shout and Harry who didn't understand what had happened (he is ASD) became dreadfully upset. When Jason and I arrived on the scene, the older children were denying their part and Harry was in tears. The neighbours husband came over and I freaked, just freaked....... Here I was, chemo head, no hair, tired, feeling ill and my sons beautiful bike all shiny and red, mangled and useless......

Harry hid in the garden shed, I explained to him what had happened, how it happenend and why it happenend and he understood. The whole incident shook him and left him unable to settle or sleep that night.... so as a result I didn't sleep last night either.

In all of this, I ask "Why me?" "What have I done to deserve all this?" Other people are nasty, mean spirited and horrid and yet they don't get any of this. They dont get ill health, children troubles, plain bad luck... they seem to sail through things laughing at the rest of us poor things and it makes me so mad.

Maybe that is the stage that I am at right now.... I am angry, really angry and thats good because rather than let cancer win I am going to beat this thing and come out shining.

On a funny note; Harry has adopted my NHS wig and he wears it all the time, he looks so funny! He peeped under my scarf today and told me that most of my hair was gone then when I said I was sad, he told me that he didnt care, he still loved me and liked how I looked. So, if Harry can love me like this then I must learn to love me like this too .....