Tuesday, 14 April 2009

Session 2 of 12: Oh It is a Blue Week

We are back home from the caravan. I woke up that morning feeling pretty ill..... headache, sick and just plain.... ill. Wasn't sure if I would make it home.
We made it home though and I can't tell you how wonderful it was to see my dogs again. How I missed Pickles and Wilbur (Wilbur pictured here) and all of my other animals. It was great to see mum as well and just be home. It is amazing how wonderful the familiar things are when you are not feeling 100%
I have been feeling pretty blue. I didn't realise just how much my hair loss would affect me. I look like a kiwi fruit! Seriously, my head is so cold and I feel ugly and vulnerable.
You see, before my hair loss, I could put on my makeup, wear my smile and "SHOW TIME" I can hide what I really feel like from the rest of the world. Now my hair is gone, I feel as though I can't hide anymore because everyone can see and everyone knows. My mask is uncovered.
The children were pleased to be at home with their friends and toys. Harry couldn't wait to get out onto his bike while I unpacked and kept watch from my bedroom window. It only took a couple of minutes and disaster struck. One of the older kids from our street took Harry's bike. Harry had left it standing (on its stand) by our car and in front of our house, but as what often happens, the older kids take his bike and run off with it, discarding it when they have finished teasing. This happened but the child left the bike outside a neighbours drive, said neighbour didn't check and ran over the bike not just once but twice!!!!! £200 worth of damage in a second!
The neighbour then proceeded to shout and Harry who didn't understand what had happened (he is ASD) became dreadfully upset. When Jason and I arrived on the scene, the older children were denying their part and Harry was in tears. The neighbours husband came over and I freaked, just freaked....... Here I was, chemo head, no hair, tired, feeling ill and my sons beautiful bike all shiny and red, mangled and useless......
Harry hid in the garden shed, I explained to him what had happened, how it happenend and why it happenend and he understood. The whole incident shook him and left him unable to settle or sleep that night.... so as a result I didn't sleep last night either.
In all of this, I ask "Why me?" "What have I done to deserve all this?" Other people are nasty, mean spirited and horrid and yet they don't get any of this. They dont get ill health, children troubles, plain bad luck... they seem to sail through things laughing at the rest of us poor things and it makes me so mad.
Maybe that is the stage that I am at right now.... I am angry, really angry and thats good because rather than let cancer win I am going to beat this thing and come out shining.
On a funny note; Harry has adopted my NHS wig and he wears it all the time, he looks so funny! He peeped under my scarf today and told me that most of my hair was gone then when I said I was sad, he told me that he didnt care, he still loved me and liked how I looked. So, if Harry can love me like this then I must learn to love me like this too .....

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