Life is Amazing!

(Click on images to enlarge)

Christmas always awakens a whole range of emotions for me. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong, its got to be the best time of year, I love it but I do get swamped with alsorts of feelings and emotions and occasionally I feel overwhelmed.

I saw my eldest son Joseff perform his last ever Christmas play in primary school. I have known all of his classmates since they were babies and it was so strange seeing them up there on stage performing their hearts out. The picture above is of me and Joseff, I think he was only a few weeks old in the picture. When he was born, I considered myself the luckiest person in the whole world. I had been on fertility treatment for years and had almost given up hope of having children when he came along.

Joseff had his Christening in Gresford Parish Church on 27th December 1998 aged 10 weeks old. From left to right: Julie, Angela, Me & Joe, Jason, Amanda & Kieran and Karl.

Keiran is now a strapping young man!

I can't begin to describe how exhilerated and wonderful I felt when this photo was taken. Joseff had only just been born and I couldn't wait to get him back in my arms again. He was born in the early hours of the morning following just 2 hours of labour. We both went into shock but he was born safely just as the doctors arrived. I remember going onto the ward with him and just staring at him for hours.

Harry didn't like Father Christmas when he was 2 years old. He just wanted to grab his present and go! I love this photo so much! I wish I had known about his condition then, maybe I would have considered the impact of Father Christmas a little more and been a bit more sympathetic to his very real fear.

Harry loved Buzz Lightyear, he was his favourite toy for a long time until eventually he did actually fall apart. I remember clearly the day he preteneded to be Buzz in Dodleston Park. He was on a climbing frame, about 4ft in the air when I saw him press his imaginary button, make all the right sounds before his jump..... Luckily we got to him in time and disaster was avoided. Harry always gets into character when he is playing, he BECOMES the person he is playing which sounds cute but not when it involves flying, jumping and other dangerous activities.





This time of year I think about my loved ones. Dear Peter, forever 25. Last night I watched the Royal Variety Performance on TV and Bette Midler performed "Wind Beneath my Wings". I cried my heart out because I used to play that after Peter died, it says everything about how I felt about him because he was my heroe I used to idolise him.

Today is the 20th anniversary of my Nains death. She was a remarkable lady, with a beautiful face, equally beautiful smile and a twinkle in her eye.

Life is pretty amazing really. Yes, I have lost loved ones tragically, yes I have been through fertility treatment and miscarriage, I have children with speech & communication difficulties and one who is autistic and I have just battled breast cancer. However, each of these situations has made me the person I am today. I am proud and so glad to have been able to know my Nain, I am so lucky to have had such a devoted big brother in Peter. No matter what the ever lasting pain of their loss has inflicted on me, it was worth the honour and privelage of having them in my life. I am lucky to still have mum and dad in my life and a lovely little brother, Gareth not to mention my Auntie Heather and Uncle Phil.

So.... against all odds, I have it all. I wonderful husband and two glorious boys. I have fought cancer and will continue to do so because I intend to be around for many years to come. Life has so much to offer and I am currently just deciding what I am going to do with it. There was a time that I dreaded feeling this happy because something always happened to snatch my happiness away..... I don't think anything will happen this time, I have a feeling in my heart.

My plans for the future include practicing Reiki, running to raise money for cancer research and autism, opening a dog grooming salon and God willing..... becoming a Nain x

Radiotherapy Set Up Day

Teal Toes for Ovarian Cancer Awareness

Sherry, I will post you a link I just hope I am not too late. Chemo has been bad this week so today is the first day I have been able to think about make up or nail polish. Soon over though!

Wilbur

Today I had to get to Glan Clwyd Cancer Unit in Bodelwyddan for 10am. No mean feat with having to drop the children at school. Harry didn't cope with the change in routine very well so this meant a rocky start to the day, we managed. Another disaster was that my friend couldn't drop her dog Poppy off with me because she had lost her in the woods, then as we spoke, she found her but her daughter fell into the swampy lake! Disaster!

We got to the cancer unit on time and I must say how posh it all is. It is all newly furbished and very nice for NHS!!!! I had a brief appointment with my oncologist just to sign the paperwork for radiotherapy and finalise details for Herceptin and Tamoxofen. She warned me that there would be alot of talking over me and about me so I got myself mentally prepared.

Pickles

I was handed a piece of paper to cover my breasts while I got myself into position on the table. The two radiologists were lovely and kept me informed of what they were doing as the fiddled me into place. I had to then lie there as still as possible for half an hour while they moved me, x-rayed me, stuck labels on me, drew on me and measured me.

Poppy

I decided that the best plan of action was to close my eyes and think about other things such as my dogs, my family and my blog. This way I didn't end up feeling like a piece of meat and also I didnt have to acknowledge the other members of staff who were working on my not so pretty body.

The good news is that because the cancer had not spread to my lymph nodes, I will not have radiotherapy under my arm pit which was a worry of mine because mobility of my right arm is important in my line of work as a dog groomer.

The final insult was the application of permanent "dot" tatoos. As if my body hasn't been cut up, stitched up (or rather glued) and mutilated enough. I keep reminding myself that a few dots and scars are alot better than the alternative.

We got out of there as quickly as possible. However, the cumulative effect of 11 rounds of chemotherapy, sleepless night last night worrying about today and travelling had its effect on me and I hit a wall of exhaustion so the rest of the day was spent in bed, too tired to read or even think.

At least I was well rested for when my Screamers came home from school, since then it has been full on action with Harry filming his dwarf hamster Penny and play fighting. Off to swimming classes tonight so I should get an hours peace, poor Jason fronts it all!

Marmite - You Either LOVE it or HATE it!!!!!!

I really had to dedicate the name of this post to MARMITE given all of the comments I have received about it. Even marmite themselves market their product as one you either love or hate! I really love it myself, its healther too, low fat and full of vitamin B. They even do marmite crisps and marmite cheese!!! Shall I send you some over the pond?

"Treasured Memories
of

PETER GERAINT KYFFIN

Died 10.9.1990

AGED 25 YEARS

A loving husband & father

A caring Son & Brother

Loved and Missed Always"

Seriously, I had to stop by at Peters grave today, just to say "hi". I know he is not there but I do have times where I get drawn to the church grounds. I am feeling it now because the anniversary of his death is approaching along with the end of my chemotherapy. Its my wedding anniversary on Thursday as well, 15 years! I remember placing my wedding bouquet on Peters grave. We were married at Gresford Church too, it was my way of including him on my special day because he should have given me away. Visiting his grave isnt something I like to do because it makes my loss real, even after 19 years I still feel that a part of me is missing. When I go there and look down on the cold, hard marble, its as though someone grips my heart and makes it bleed. I really, really miss you Peter, you were my rock and my protector.

Onto a cheerier note, I have begun to see the world as though I have only just opened my eyes. I look at my town of Wrexham and I see beauty every where I go. Today, next to the car park, I discovered the Burma Gardens, I had forgotten they existed. The picture does not do it justice. It is located near to the War Memorial and Wrexham Police Station.

A close up of the epitaph.

This funny person is located next to Wrexham Library near the Guildhall gardens. Oh, I have such happy memories of this part of Wrexham because it hasn't changed too much. I remember the library being built in the 70's. I used to spin around on the poles which were supposed to be barriers and play on the park land with my skipping rope having visited the National Milk Bar for a strawberry milkshake with Peter and my Great Auntie Lizzie.

This is a picture of me taken yesterday just to show you how much my hair is growing back (even if I don't like the colour!). I bumped into a Polish lady today in Wrexham town, she is having treatment at the Shooting Star Unit, her name is Irena. She has her last round of chemo on Thursday, such a lovely person, it was so nice to talk to her.

This is our new back garden gate! Jason completed it yesterday. The rubble has been cleared and the piece of dirt showing has been covered with bark chipping. We are going to paint it the same colour as the house edgings (whatever they are called) then I am going to plant something up the side to hide the wooden bars.

Session 1: More Chemo

My wonderful Auntie and Uncle who owns the caravan we are staying at, phoned me while we were there and offered to come and collect me to take me for blood tests, take me for my chemo then take me back to the caravan so that the boys can stay there and enjoy their holiday - HOW KIND IS THAT?

So, they came to collect me this morning and took me to hospital for my blood test which took all of ten minutes then home to spend the rest of the day and evening with my mum.

I have mixed emotions really. I didn't want to break up my holiday and I am sad because I seem to be missing out on so much with this cancer thing. However, its got to be done and it will be worth it if it prevents the cancer from returning, I may not be so lucky second time around!

The kids have had such fun so far. Yesterday they went to the swimming pool at the camp site. At first, I decided to stay in the caravan and read my book but then I thought that why should I miss out on all the fun so I went to watch them. I can't use public swimming baths while I am on chemo due to the risk of infection but I enjoyed watching the boys play. Their faces were beaming with joy and it made my heart feel good to watch them having fun.

Later we went to Llanbedrog beach and while the boys played in the sand I managed to have forty winks lieing in the sun. The National Trust were putting the beach huts back onto the beach and the boys really had fun making sand castles in the tractor tracks then watching the tractors come and squash them!

So.... I have had my blood test today, she bruised me a little then mum and I have enjoyed watching the guineapigs play together and then I went to Gresford Chip Shop for fish and chips.

My hair is coming out thick and fast, Harry told me to wash my pillow this morning because it was covered with hair. Although it looks ok-ish it is really starting to get on my nerves. My head itches as though I have nits, and occasionally my scalp feels tender. The hair that falls out is irritating my skin. I was going to have a go at shaving my head myself, then I thought about taking the clippers back to the caravan so that the boys could help as per my original plan but I don't think I can last that long plus once I have had my second session of chemo, I may feel even more irritated. So..... I texted my wonderful hairdresser, Sue and she is going to try to do it for me tomorrow morning at the salon "Hair by James" in Gresford

www.hairbyjames.net

I am trying to relax now before the second lot of chemo which will take place tomorrow at 11am. Mum is coming with me along with Uncle Phil and probably my Auntie Heather. It will be good therapy for mum to see what actually happens during the session because sometimes it is worse leaving things to the imagination, especially where your children are concerned.

Fingers crossed I will be well enough to return to Pwllheli tomorrow!