Today I Bought........................

HAIRSPRAY! Yipee!!!!!

I Used a Hair Drier!!!!!!!

Yes!!!!! Today........ I used a hair dryer for the first time since I lost my hair!!!!!!

YIPEE!!!!!!

(Ps: am at the caravan at the moment and my internet access is impaired, therefore for some reason I have been unable to view my blog and any comments left, I apologise for this)

Wet days and horses

I have woken up to a wet and very soggy Sunday! So... I am catching up with my blogging friends, cried buckets over Daria's video and am thinking about what a lovely Saturday I had.


The above photo was taken yesterday at Lisa and Abi's Equestrian Centre where my little Harry rides each week. They shared a hilarious video of Jason doing "around the worlds" on Gemma and falling off..... lots!!!


In the picture above, the children had been playing out of site in Abi's secret den! They had to be rounded up for home time. The bay mare in the picture is Abi's horse Tash. Abi is in the turquoise t-shirt and Harry is just behind her in the grey top.

This set of pictures really makes me smile. They are like something out of "Brave Heart" having been discovered they are walking towards us all in one line.

Lisa riding Gemma. She had to go and round up the troop because they were too far away. It was nice to see all of the children having good old fashioned fun; playing on the muck heap and slinging water over each other. They were going home dirty, mucky, smelly but happy!

This is Archie. He is 14hh roan gelding and I don't know why but I find myself "drawn" to him. I find this alot with people and animals; some repel me and others I feel a magnatism drawing me in. This is how I feel about Archie.



I don't like this picture of me.... bald, fat, old and ugly! Anyway, its a nice picture of Gemma. This picture is me now in 2009 and it is a picture of me going through a huge blip in my life. Watch this space when I finish treatment and my hair grows back and I shed the weight!

By the way my sweat shirt says "Cymraeg: probably the oldest language in Europe" and was bought from Cowbois in Bala who provide great welsh tee-shirts, sweatshirts and hats.


On a final note, this is my hair this week.

You can see it growing back quite fast and its black (apart from a few grey hairs!).

I used to suffer with sty's on my lower eye lids as a teen and as a result, my lower eye lashes were patchy. Nobody noticed but I did. Following chemo, they are growing back much thicker and NO BALD PATCHES. Here again is evidence of the "Polly Anna Syndrome" good always comes from bad, you just have to look for it!

Red Toes

This is my hair a week on and it is growing. I actually felt the breeze blowing through it yesterday. Can you see my eyebrows as well and my eye lashes? I am so happy. This part of breast cancer has been the hardest to deal with.

My mother in law brought me some lovely, thoughtful gifts at the weekend to cheer me up. A Take That CD because I missed the show in London and a makeup bag containing some Revlon red nail polish and matching lipstick. Margaret; I promised I would post a picture of my new toes and here they are.

Thank you and thank you to all who continue to send me positive messages. A facebook friend lit a candle for me today in Truro Cathedral. All of these gestures mean the world to me and I thank everyone from the bottom of my heart.

Llangollen National Eisteddfod

Every year Llangollen holds the National Eisteddfod. A welsh festival of music, dance and culture which attracts choirs, dance and music from all over the world. Pavarotti has played there amongst a host of other famous celebrities. Quite an achievement for a small town in North Wales!

The picture above is of youngsters marching to put messages on the tree of life.

School children from all over the county attend the Eisteddfod including my own who visited there yesterday 7th July 2009. In the above photograph of school children, if you look towards the mountain behind them you will see Castell Dinas Bran (Dinas Bran Castle) or Crow Castle. This is one of the few Celtic Castles in Wales. A lovely walk to the top and the dogs love it. I remember one year walking up there with my late dog Bobbi then sheltering from the rain in the ruins. Fantastic views of the town from up there!

Yesterday, my children attended the festival, they had a wonderful time. Harry liked the noisy, colourful bands with loud drums but that is about right for Harry!!!!

What touched me was the fact that my eldest son brought me the most beautiful gift, a wooden hand crafted ring with painted blue flowers, it really is gorgeous! It fits on my little finger and I have been proudly wearing it since yesterday!

Today I went to Sainsburys (a large supermarket) to pick up a chicken for tea and some salad. As I was browsing in the frozen section an old man who was wheelchair bound shouted to me. He wanted to know where I got my hair cut! I told him it was cut by cancer and chemo! He laughed and told me how lovely I looked. How kind he was, it was genuine too, not nasty or mallicious.

So, had my bloods taken today at the hospital ready for more chemo tomorrow. Part of me is excited because I am on the home ground now but the other part is dreading it because I know how I will feel for the next few days.... won't dwell on that too much.

I went to a Breast Cancer support group yesterday for the first time at Nightingale Hospice. There was a lympodemia talk by Aelysh, an irish lady who is so hilarious and interesting, she should have her own show! She took my post op class. Apparently the cases of lympodemia in Wrexham are declining rapidly because of the prevention team which has been here for 14 years, so different from the inner regions of North Wales!

Things that make me Smile

Lots of things make me smile, more so these days as a result of my breast cancer. Gone is the stressed mum running a mobile dog grooming business. I am now able to sit and write my blog, chat with friends on face book and appreciate the life I have been given.

Life doesn't seem that great these days with all I have given up but as each day passes I am getting more and more excited at the prospect of finishing chemotherapy.

So what does make me smile?

My blogging community never fails to make me smile especially Beth, Sue in Italy and dear Barry! I love hearing your stories and how you are dealing with this beast.

My other online friends make me smile too. Pictured above is Lisa and below Beccie who have run the Race for Life this year. I mentioned Cas in a previous blog who ran in my honour.

Last night, I lay in bed and listened to a fox barking. Oh how I have missed those foxes, they haven't been around for a year or so, I used to be able to hear the mother call the baby. All the building work done in our village is slowly eroding the wild life and that, my friends DOES NOT MAKE ME SMILE!

I love the thunderstorm and last night as I battled to rescue my 8 guineapigs from the torrential down pour, I laughed and giggled as the rain soaked my tee shirt and filled my crocs. It would have been nice to have got wet hair too but that would be quite difficult as I have none.

My eyebrows and eyelashes are growing back and THAT makes me smile like you can't believe.

My dogs make me smile.... moody little Poppy (the dog I dog sit), grumpy little Pickles and silly, clumbsy Wilbur.

Playing mischievious tricks makes me smile too and winding my husband up (I do that quite a bit) it makes life far more interesting.

I like to stand in the shower and let the cool water splash down on my bald bonce, now that makes me smile.

And writing this blog..... I am wearing the biggest smile ever!

Session 6/12: Chemo over for 2 weeks

I woke up this morning like a bear with a sore head. I could feel the tension in every part of my body and I was being completely encompasse in depression.

Parking was a nightmare at Wrexham Hosptial. Again, I said to my husband "they should have designated parking for chemo patients...." He dropped me off while he located a space. He ended up squeezing our little Noddy Mobile into a space which was tiny because somebody had decided to take two spaces for his car!!!!!!!!

As I walked into the hospital I felt so irritated by everything..... the parking, hospital, the rotating bloody doors... everything! As I walked I muttered "I hate this place, I hate smiling, I will not smile, I will not be positive cos I dont want to be". By the time I got to the Shooting Star Unit, my temper was quiet and I was on the road to positivity again.....

Hubbie joined me and made me a lovely cup of tea and then the ordeal began.......

Luckily I was surrounded by positive souls who wanted to chat and smile, the last few times have been awful. The nurse who put my canula in was new to the ward. All the nurses target the vein on the side of my wrist, it is still marked by the last two canulas and I was glad really because the veins on the top of my hand are still sore and bruised from two months ago.

Poor nurse, that vein was "wobbly". "Is that normal?" I asked suddenly starting to envisage my arm turning into a state of jelly. "oh yes, its fine" then the pain....... oh I clutched that comfie chair so hard I swear I left nail holes (well I would have done if my nails hadnt split and had to be cut off). She was so sweet, the vein had wobbled and she couldnt get the line in so lovely Natasha, so gentle, was called and yep, she inserted the canula with a minimal amount of pain and ...... oh ...... thank you Natasha!!!!!!

The rest of the treatment went on just like the previous week...... prickly bottom (like sitting on a hedgehog), heady lightheaded feeling, cold arm, then the pepper up my nose and on my brain!!!!!!!!

However, when I left the hospital I felt chilled, relaxed and back to positive old me again. All done for two weeks, yippeeeeeeee!


I must tell you this story...... The other day, I went out and got all hot and bothered under this scarf of mine so I took it off and the reaction........well........ being the actress that I am, I went along with my new role. I shuffled, looked sad and tired, stumbled a bit and sighed. The response???? It was soooooo funny (am I sick?) I got caring stares and smiles, people were more polite and sympathetic. Me? Oh what jolly good fun I had!!!!!!!!!!

Session 3/12: Bald Outing

I did it!

You should have seen me this morning! It was so funny. I was totally fed up with stubble on my head so I got my remington bikini shaver and shaved my head until it was soft and smooth. As you can imagine, it took forever but I managed to do it before the battery needed recharging.

Now my bonce is shiny and smooth. I can moisturise it without it getting all clogged up.

The other thing I did was, I took the plunge and I went commando. I actually went shopping and I got so hot and bothered I took my scarf off. I felt a little self concious but I didn't get any weird stares or anything. A little girl aged about 7 looked at me intently then gave me the most beautiful smile.

I am so proud of myself.

Session 3/12: Behind the Stage Curtains

I have talked on my blog before about "show time" and how when I step out of my front door, I put on my smile and the show goes on..... Equally; when I am at home, the costume is removed, the makeup taken off and I am me..... bald, tired, pained... me! My home is my sanctuary, it is the place where I can be.... My dogs accept me, so does my husband and my children.

So when people enter my humble home, I expect them to accept me as I am. Why is it then that people feel the need to make tactless remarks. Oh, don't get me wrong, I understand that they are remarks which are misguided attempts at making me feel better but they wound me.

The same remarks don't penetrate the costume when I go out of my front door, they fall off me like water off a ducks back but at home, with my protection removed, I am scarred.

I didn't ask to be bald. I didn't ask for someone to "go ahead and shave me". I detest it, I hate it. When I look in the mirror I am repulsed. I don't want this look, its not my sense of fashion! However when I am at home, I like to be comfortable. I wear my woolly hat because my head gets cold, I snuggle up in my husbands jumper becauses its warm and comforting then I take my hat off when I have a hot flush..... Don't judge me for my looks, accept me for me like my animals and my family do.

Session 2 of 12: Head Scarfs and Heads

This is how the balding process started then the hair fell out pretty quickly after this. I decided to go for the TURBAN look followed by the GI Jane look but now, a week later I have virtually no hair at all. I am rapidly expanding my collection of head scarfs!

Session 2: Had a Blip now its gone

Had a bit of a bad day yesterday. Emotional, paranoid, tired, felt really pathetic and worthless.... I knew what was happening to me so I could understand and accept my state of mind. It was caused by a mole I found on my bald, plucked chicken head which made me get all worried about skin cancer. I have had a nights sleep and lots of supportive messages from friends and family and realise that I am ok but will get it checked out asap after the Easter Break.

We spent yesterday at Llanbedrog Beach where I promptly fell asleep for almost 2 hours. Joe made me a special sand chair and Harry was blowing up sand castles. Got a chill so went to the Bistro for a takeout coffee but they were short staffed and in the middle of a rush so had stopped that service but the manager took pity on me in my red woolly hat and made me a coffee anyway, how kind was that?

I thought I had come to terms with the lack of hair but the thing I hate about it the most is THE FEELING. Nobody prepares you for that, all the advice and literature I have read tells you about accepting your looks but for me, it is the feeling. Touching my head, feeling stubble, feeling bare scalp, the sensation, the touch, it turns my stomach. I know I will have to get used to this because it will be this way for the next 3 months and I will, I know I will but it is really hard and hard because I didnt expect it!

I ended up sleeping with Joe last night because we left Harry in our bed but then he took all the bed clothes and I got cold so went to sleep with Joe. I was hoping for a lie in and I got one. It was worth giving up my bed so that Harry slept in some more, he has been tired these last few days and needed some catch up.

Not sure what we are up to today. All I know is that it is Easter Sunday, the day of Resurrection and today we should be happy and thankful.

Chemo Session 2 and Back to the Caravan

I did take some photos to add to the blog of my bald bits, me with a new headscarf on (wanted to use that for the Face Book Bandana Brigade) and my "new" GI Jane hair cut! However, I have left my bag at home which contains my phone, my wallet and most importantly.... my lipstick!

Never mind, I will dedicate a blog to these pictures when I get my phone back at the end of the weekend. Good news on the caravan front, the van is free next week so we can stay as long as we like..... no returning on Saturday as was orignally planned, possibly Sunday or Monday or Tuesday or Wednesday..... will have to check it out with my mum first because she has been wonderfull looking after my Rossett Zoo and doing jobs around the house. Of course it also depends how I feel as well and how I can settle into chemo week one away from home.

I am so glad to hear that friends and family are checking my blog because it takes the pressure off Jason and I, makes life alot easier and keeps f&f up to date and part of the horrible journey that is cancer.

I phoned my hairdresser Sue at Hair by James and she fitted me in. She really didnt want to shave my hair off, Bless her so we compromised and she did a grade 4 on the back and a grade 5 on the top. It looked ................ you will see the photo when I get my phone back! Scarf on and off we go!

My best friend Jan was all set for taking mum and I for my chemo session today which was so kind of her. She brought my pandora bracelet with the breast cancer pandora bead for me to wear during the session. I also took with my my Nains turquoise ring, my crystal heart from Harry, my turquoise necklace from Joe, my Pawly Bear from Jan and Chloe - all good charms to keep me filled with positive energy. Uncil Phil took us.

The same nurse, Gwen did my chemo for me today as last time. I was glad because she is such a lovely, smiley, warm person. The department was extra busy because they were fitting in Friday and Thursday appointments together due to the Easter break. It didn't help that one of my white blood counts was not as it should have been so I had to wait for another blood test and get clearance from the doctor. Once that was done, poor Gwen had alot of trouble finding a vein. The first attempt was on the side of my hand which was so painful then that was no good because the vein blew. The second attempt at the top of my hand was better but I will get quite a bruise on that.

I felt the chemo going in again, it seemed colder this time but maybe that was because my veins were hiding. I didn't get the funny sensation that I got the first time but it did set my asthma off again so I took some ventolin and that was fine.

Gwen went through all of my side effects with me and she prescribed some corsodil for my sore mouth and some satchets of "stuff" for my constipation. She advised me not to use the suppositories that the doctor prescribed because of the invasive factor and hence risk of infection. She told me to half the amount of steroids I take over the next few days because that may help with my sleep. It is all trial and error.

The journey back to the caravan was ok, quite a bit of traffic in Porthmadog which slowed us down and loads of rain! It wouldn't be Wales without rain!

The welcome I got from the boys was wonderful, can't describe the joy really! Harry rushed in and before he took his coat and shoes off, demanded to see my hair! He said he liked it, Joe didn't like the bald bits and Jason said I looked like the evil lady in Blakes 7!!!!!

I got some unexpected gifts from my boys: Joe brought me a tiny bead red heart and a gorgeous blue and brown bead necklace, Harry bought me a huge love heart made from sewn beads in cream. It is designed for wall decoration but Harry told me that it was a necklace so I had to wear it - you should have seen me!!! I will take a photo and put it on the blog when I get my phone back.

So chemo session 2 and I don't feel quite as bad as last time. My head is buzzing, I have a ringing in my head as before but no funny feeling, no sickness.... just really, really tired. Don't feel up to talking so the computer is a great medium for giving out information without having to talk!

Session 1: More Chemo

My wonderful Auntie and Uncle who owns the caravan we are staying at, phoned me while we were there and offered to come and collect me to take me for blood tests, take me for my chemo then take me back to the caravan so that the boys can stay there and enjoy their holiday - HOW KIND IS THAT?

So, they came to collect me this morning and took me to hospital for my blood test which took all of ten minutes then home to spend the rest of the day and evening with my mum.

I have mixed emotions really. I didn't want to break up my holiday and I am sad because I seem to be missing out on so much with this cancer thing. However, its got to be done and it will be worth it if it prevents the cancer from returning, I may not be so lucky second time around!

The kids have had such fun so far. Yesterday they went to the swimming pool at the camp site. At first, I decided to stay in the caravan and read my book but then I thought that why should I miss out on all the fun so I went to watch them. I can't use public swimming baths while I am on chemo due to the risk of infection but I enjoyed watching the boys play. Their faces were beaming with joy and it made my heart feel good to watch them having fun.

Later we went to Llanbedrog beach and while the boys played in the sand I managed to have forty winks lieing in the sun. The National Trust were putting the beach huts back onto the beach and the boys really had fun making sand castles in the tractor tracks then watching the tractors come and squash them!

So.... I have had my blood test today, she bruised me a little then mum and I have enjoyed watching the guineapigs play together and then I went to Gresford Chip Shop for fish and chips.

My hair is coming out thick and fast, Harry told me to wash my pillow this morning because it was covered with hair. Although it looks ok-ish it is really starting to get on my nerves. My head itches as though I have nits, and occasionally my scalp feels tender. The hair that falls out is irritating my skin. I was going to have a go at shaving my head myself, then I thought about taking the clippers back to the caravan so that the boys could help as per my original plan but I don't think I can last that long plus once I have had my second session of chemo, I may feel even more irritated. So..... I texted my wonderful hairdresser, Sue and she is going to try to do it for me tomorrow morning at the salon "Hair by James" in Gresford

www.hairbyjames.net

I am trying to relax now before the second lot of chemo which will take place tomorrow at 11am. Mum is coming with me along with Uncle Phil and probably my Auntie Heather. It will be good therapy for mum to see what actually happens during the session because sometimes it is worse leaving things to the imagination, especially where your children are concerned.

Fingers crossed I will be well enough to return to Pwllheli tomorrow!