Race for Life 2010 and Goodbye

Today has been a little emotional for me because the Race for Life means so much to me. I ran it in 2008 but because of my own cancer fight, was unable to do it in 2009. Being able to take part this year is sort of like being able to draw a psychological line underneath the whole fight with breast cancer. In the words of Mike Peters "I'm right back where I started from...." and that is good.

My life has been changed completely by cancer and not necessarily for the worst. Yes, I do still have side effects; acid reflux for which I have to take medication, flaking and brittle nails, aches, swollen fingers... but I am ALIVE, I am HERE, I am living this wonderful life that I have been allowed to keep.

I have made some amazing friends through cancer. I have met some pretty amazing nurses who have cared for me over the last year and a half. I am living life to the fullest each and every day and those days I feel fatigued, I don't beat myself up about it or feel guilty - I accept it and move on.

My treatment won't be finished until October 2010 but I feel that I really have got back to where I started. Fitness wise, I do have a long way to go because I can only manage a mile run these days compared to my 10K before cancer was diagnosed BUT weight wise I am back to my pre-diagnosis weight and within my BMI and all of my goals are achieveable.

However, I am no longer in a rush to achieve them now!

So on this note, I bid farewell to Cancer Ain't Gonna Beat Me, its time to move on with my life. I had cancer, I beat it and now I am fighting back.

My new blog can be found at http://www.sarasfightback.blogspot.com/ I do hope you will follow me there.

Its been a blast so with tears in my eyes, I bid you goodbye, Hwyl dda xx

I had my heart scan today at the hospital and its good news... I still have one and its still working well! I will only have one more heart scan in August now seeing as how I am almost at the end of my herceptin. I can't believe how quickly time has passed.

Summer seems to have arrived today and we hit a high of 23 degrees which is totally amazing. Poor old Cola still has remnants of his winter coat so he needs to shed that pretty quickly. He was a naughty boy yesterday, thought he was a stallion when we were out on our hack. I made him work his energy out though and today he was alot quieter.

Had a hair cut - yipee! Just a trim to the back because I am growing it into a bob and from there it may go down to my shoulders, I haven't decided yet.

Harrys birthday tomorrow and he is so excited. He has promised his teacher and his deputy head some of his birthday cake and a party bag! I will follow through because it is important for him!

sigh.....

This cheeky chap is my youngest son, Harry Llewelyn (named after two great Princes). He is going to be 9 years old on Friday and I can't believe how fast the time has flown.

Harry was diagnosed with autism a few years ago and has help at school. He struggles with language and communication and this doesnt just mean the spoken word, it covers social language, gestures, the unwritten code of conduct... He also struggles with change so any change in routine no matter how minor will affect his sleeping patterns and his behaviour.

So as his birthday approaches, I have had a testing time with Harry. His behaviour during these periods of unrest push me beyond comprehension. Today, I am struggling with a tension headache and feeling sick, my tummy is all knotted up.

I know that a birthday should be fun and eagerly anticipated. Harry doesn't really know when his birthday is, he still isn't sure when his party will take place and this confusion leaves him anxious.

So only a couple of days to go and hopefully the storm will have passed.

Secret Post and Muleberry Show

I am lucky to be a member of Heathers Secret Post Club www.notesfromlapland.blogspto.com. Once a month I am sent the details of the person I need to send a package too and my details are given to someone else. The idea is that you receive a package but its a surprise. My package arrived on Saturday from mamacrow and I was thrilled to bits because of the thought and care put into my package. Mamacrow had obviously read my blog because she has gifted me the most appropriate things: a nail buffer and nail strengthener for my brittle and splitting nails, a gorgeous book mark, a poetry book on horses and a packet of polo mints for our pony Cola - how kind! Thank you mamacrow from the bottom of my heart!

There was an Old Man of Nepaul

From his horse had a terrible fall;

But,

Though they split quite in two,

By some very strong glue

They mended that Man of Nepaul

by Edward Lear (1812-1888)

Harry and Jason

Today we went to Muleberry show about half an hours drive from us in North Wales. Our friend was competing with two of her Shetland ponies and we decided to tag along for the experience. The only bad thing that went wrong was the fact that Harry lost his wobbly tooth and did actually lose it on the show ground. This is him crying with his dad. We have told him to write a letter to the tooth fairy and she will still visit him tonight!

Llinos with Mari-Ann and Eleri (her daughter) with Ernie

Llinos and Eleri did so well today bringing home over 10 rosettes with quite a few firsts. This photo was taken during the last class of the day for them and it was the championships. Mari-Ann is only 2 years old and up until last Thursday had never been led in a head collar before. There are alot of things that filly hasn't experienced but thankfully, she has landed on her hooves and has found herself a wonderful and caring home - under the careful handling and love of Llinos, this filly is going to shine.

The views from the show ground were stunning as it was located at the base of Rhuallt hill.

The sun was shining and although it was still chilly, it was a glorious day, a perfect day for showing! When we get our trailer fixed up, Cola will be competing at this show, lets hope he wins lots and lots of rosettes!

12 down 6 to go

I have just come home from Wrexham Hospital following number 12 of my herceptin treatments - only 6 to go!

The sister always canulates me because my veins are so small and quite damaged with chemo and canulisation. I worked out today that so far, I have had 24 canulas inserted and that doesnt include the times when I have had more than one or two attempts. Its when you think like that, you realise just how battered your veins are.

My oncologist is retiring this month so I will be in the hands of a new oncologist. However, as I am almost at the end of my treatment I am not really concerned. I have a heart scan booked for next week but I don't anticipate any problems, its seems that I am made of strong stuff.

It is so good getting my energy back. I feel as though I am back to normal most of the time. I am on the go constantly and enjoying riding Cola, walking the dogs and generally just having the energy to enjoy life.

What I don't have the energy for is people who tick me off! Not many people annoy me but those who do just aren't worth the bother.

I am going through a transition at the moment and pretty soon I will be posting my last post on Cancer Aint Gonna Beat Me and I will be moving to Sara's Fight Back. So watch this space...

Road Traffic Collision

Yesterday I had an RTC - a road traffic collision! They used to call it RTA - Road Traffic Accident but the word accident had "implications" re blame etc so they changed it to collison.

We were cycling home from Cola, Harry was in front of me because I have to keep a close eye on him. Cycling behind Harry is precarious enough as it is and last night... he got me. We were almost home and suddenly he swerved out in front of me and caught my front tyre. There was nothing I could do to stop myself so the bike fell and I skidded on the tarmac.

I lay there startled for a bit and Harry started getting upset, he wanted me to get up and off the road in case a car came and squashed me so he said, so he helped me get up. No damage to my bike, Harrys plastic mud guard was snapped off and all I can say is that it was a good job that I was wearing my riding jacket because I scraped and bruised my elbow and hip and blood was seeping through my jeans at the knee. Nothing major it just means that I will be more achey for a few days and of course I was badly shaken.

The fall really messed up my mojo but what messed with it even more was the fact that I discovered that I had lost my weight watchers pedometer. The boys and I searched and searched but it was gone. It sounds really daft, but the pedometer is what has got my weight loss going and since I had it I lost half a stone so I became really down and started to think about comfort food.......

However, my weight watchers leader is a friend on facebook and I contacted her and as a result I was able to call at her house to buy a new pedometer and she discounted it for me. It gave me my mojo back and I stopped thinking about comfort food.

In addition to this, Harry and his little friends hatched a plan to sell their unwanted DVD's to raise money to buy me a new pedometer.

So it was a nasty do but goodness and kindness came out of it in the form of those I care about helping me.

On another note, thank you for your support on my changing my blog. Hopefully I will get it up and running in a few days and I already have an idea for a final post on Cancer Ain't Gonna Beat Me.

Restless Feet

I haven't been blogging regularly for a while and I have been thinking about this issue. I am extremely busy these days now that my energy is back and I don't have much time to sit down as I am constantly on the go and loving every minute of it, after all, I have alot of making up to do.

However... I am begining to feel like moving on from Cancer Aint Gonna Beat Me because I feel as though cancer is in my past. I had it, I kicked its butt and now its almost time to move on. Blogging on Cancer Aint Gonna Beat Me has been a blast but while I continue with this blog I feel as though I am being caged by cancer.

Don't worry, I am not leaving the blogging sphere! I still take part in the Friday My Town Shoot Outs www.fridayshootout.blogspot.com and I am in the process of starting a new blog www.sarasfightback.blogspot.com but I am having a few technical problems, trying to put badges on etc, I have forgotten how to do it. Once these hitches are sorted I will be moving over to that blog but don't worry, I will "tip you the wink" before I do.

Phew! So what has been going down in my busy life? I have been enjoying my pony Cola more than anything. He is my therapist and my personal trainer! I have lost half a stone in the last couple of weeks just by cycling to see to him, mucking out and lots of riding or walking. It is down to him that I have my strength and mobility back in my shoulder. He is the best thing that could ever have happened to me.

I had my teeth sorted out a week or so ago so now I have the smile I always dreamed of, three years of brace work and pain was certainly worth it in the end even though I had to delay the restorative work for a year.

The herceptin is going well, I have had 10 treatments so far so only have 8 more to go! My fingers are still swollen and my nails are flaking and splitting but that is such a small detail!

I am back to my support group Talk 4 Talk for parents of children with speech, language and communication problems and I am back in control. I have already found out about a service that my son can get access to in order to help with his reading. He is 9 next month and he still has the reading age of a reception pupil. I have told the school about the service he needs access too but as usual they are dragging their heels. Therefore I am putting my request in writing and copying it to the Local Education Authority and seeing as how it is election time, I may copy my letter to some MP's - yes! I am back in the driving seat!

I am looking forward to the Race for Life next month although my training has been hampered. I am still running and I can manage a mile but I have the rest of my life to get back to where I used to be and as long as I enjoy running then I will keep doing it.

So life is good, getting better and better with each day!

Back Again!

Back again after another break but I can't tell you how busy I am these days! The children are into their second week back at school and I am able to do all the things I am not able to when they are around.

The good news is that at my Weight Watchers weigh in last week, I lost 4lbs! I had to get on and off the scales 4 times before I would accept the reading and then I jumped up and down for joy, the other members must have thought I was bonkers. I am keeping on track with my diet and exercising alot. Rather than use my car I am walking or cycling and its amazing what an impact that has had on my weight loss.

Cola is wonderful! We took his rugs off last week. We still put his stable rug on at night because it tends to be chilly but during the day he is comando! You can tell the spring grass is coming through because he is totally fixated and is chomping at the bit to go out to grass rather than have his bucket feed which he normally enjoys.

The boys and I spent the weekend at my friends house on the top of a mountain. We camped in their back garden but oooh it was cold at night. Luckily I had quite a few glasses of red wine so the cold didn't get to me too much!

I have left my camara at my friends though so my blog will be pictureless for a while until I get it back unless I can find any appropriate pictures in my archives.

More herceptin on Wednesday; dose 10 out of 18 so I am over half way there.

I am part of the Secret Post club and I received my parcel last week which was so touching! However, I want to share the pictures with you before I tell you more and the picture is on my camara so you will have to bear with me for the next few days.

Almost a Week!

I can't believe that its almost a week since I last posted a blog! How quickly time flies now that I am feeling better!

Well not quite!

My nails are snapping and flaking and I have an infection in my right index finger. The infection has been there for almost a week now and it is getting better but so very slowly. Such a small thing but so much pain. I started to come down with a cold today so all in all, I feel pretty rough.

We managed to get Harry a new pair of riding boots. Buying clothes and footwear for him is so difficult because of his sensory problems, he feels every stitch, every label so it is difficult, very difficult. Anyway, he loves his new riding boots because he says that they are so soft inside.

The boys had a lesson off me in the menarge today. Boys includes Jason. They all did very well but its 30 years since I gave lessons or did any schooling or dressage but it is coming back to me slowly.

I went to the Breast Cancer Support Group meeting last night and was relieved to find out that swollen hands and feet seems to be a side effect of herceptin. Well I am half way through so at least it wont be forever.

I have been back on my weight watchers diet, eating well and concentrating on getting my B vitamins so I put spinach in everything..... Spinach in my soup, in my ghoulash, in my chilli..... you get the picture! I have been trying to snack on pumpkin seeds too which are high in iron. I must say that since my reiki and vitamin B supplements, things have got slightly better! My bloods all came back as normal but I dont know whether to be relieved or worried.

Apparently, the most critical time for re-occurance of breast cancer is the first 2 years after treatment. I suppose then, I am in the "comfort" zone because I will be having treatment until October 2010 so the clincher years will be Oct 2011 and Oct 2012!!! Nah!!! it aint coming back.

I went to look at a Shire x Cob with my friend on Bank Holiday Monday. He was lovely but had a pastern injury which showed. The owner assured us that it would improve with work but £500 was alot of money for a horse which really may not be used again. He was a darling though and if I could afford the upkeep of a second horse I would have made an offer myself because he would have been a good ride for Jason being slightly taller than Cola. Mac, my last horse had a bone spavin so I am used to horses with leg injuries.... As the old man by my school (Mr Jones) used to sing to me "kay Sera Sera, whatever will be will be"..... funny..... he would give me a sweet and ask me my name, I would reply "Sara" and he would sing that song.... same ritual every time....

Secret Post Club

In March I joined the secret post club.

I sent my first package out and it was received with happiness. Today, I received my own package. I had a beautiful fairy card with a hand written message from a fellow Sara together with a tiny leather book which I can fill with my thoughts and notions and keep with me or under my pillow I thought. I also received the prettiest book mark, silver with pink beads, this is such a useful gift for me because I am always reading! (oops! sorry, I uploaded the picture without editiing it so you will have to cock your head as you look at it!)

So thank you to Sara at www.theheartofourtribe.blogspot.com

I have received details for Aprils secret post and I have already put a few bits together but I shall say no more because I don't want to spoil any surprises.

Here is a little bit about the club. Each month you are matched up with someone and the details are sent to you privately. You then put together a package along with a little note and send it out to your recipient before the 15th of the month. If you want, you can then blog about your secret post experience. There is a £10 spending cap on the package but alot of the secret post members make their own gifts and it is not a requirement to spend lots of money. It is about making others happy not "keeping up with the Jones".

Winter is Back

Winter is back or so it seems! The last day of March has been a memorable one, snow on the hills, sleet and snow here and freezing gales. I turned Cola out into his paddock but was worried sick about him. I needn't have been because when I went to check on him mid day he didnt want to come in and he was warm and dry under his rugs.

I had my 9th dose of herceptin today so I am officially half way through, only another 9 to go - yipee!

I was a tad fed up with my body and the weather though because my plans to ride and/or swim were scuppered by both - typical.

Off to the dentist tomorrow to get my front tooth sorted out and made to look pretty. I should have had it done last year but my cancer treatment delayed things slightly!

Happy Days

Urgh the rain has really got on my nerves over the last few days. Mind you, I havent changed my plans much because of it. I still go everywhere on my bike, I just have to tog up in my waterproofs and walking the dogs?.. hey.. I might look daft but thats what I am, right?


So the boys have gone for an overnight stay to their Nans in Llandudno and I am home alone with my animal buds.


Plans for tomorrow?

• Cola early - feed and turn out
• Meet Poppy
• Cola, muck out and ride
• ?????? possible swim
• dog walk
• hospital - MORE herceptin
• home
• Cola bring in, feed and bed down

In the Pink Again!

Pictures courtesy of Google Search


I have not blogged for a week mainly because I have been in a bad place. Those of you who read my previous blog will probably have guessed this. I have been coming to terms with the fact that once chemo was done with all the side effects would be done with too. Now, I have accepted this and have made steps to work with it.

I had a "taster" session with a nutritionalist who checked me for vitamin deficiencies and I came up as being short of folic acid, B6 and B10. Funnily enough, B6 is a vitimin required for turning food to energy. I have bought some supplements along with some Metatone tonic because it is that time again.

I arranged to have some healing Reiki and that was done today. Some of my chakras were not working and others were spinning out of control. My friend re-alined my chakras and the reiki was great.

I felt warmth traveling from my neck into my head and shoulders then down through my back and pelvis. The warmth then turned to tingling which was kind of like an energy pulsing around my body. When the Reiki was finished I felt so relaxed, positive and energised.

So as a result of these things, these minor adjustments I have made in my life, I am back to being in the pink again. I am feeling positive, in control and up beat.

My nails ARE going to grow back strong and I AM going to lose that weight!

Feeling Fat!

Oh my goodness!


Thats just how I feel.


I am so fed up of being overweight, tired all the time and bloated. I want to wear my own wedding ring again, I want to have some energy, I want to lose this blasted weight so that I can feel good about myself.


I want my nails to be nice, they are splitting and peeling and theres nothing I can do to stop it.


I focused so much on getting through 2009 I didnt bargain for side effects into the new year. Well here it is.........

Raining - oh no!

First day of spring and its raining!


aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhh!


I have organised a 40th birthday bash for my husband at home and I dont want it to rain, well, not tomorrow anyway. I bought a gazebo, we are going to light the chiminea and I have a chilli simmering away! His birthday cake has a picture of Y Ddraig Coch (the red dragon) our welsh flag! I have the beers stashed in the childrens playden so shhhhhhhhhhhh dont say a word.


Just pray and pray and pray that it doesnt rain!

India Day at School

Harry had an "India" day at his school today. The idea was that the children could dress up if they wanted and they made Indian decorations, played Indian music and sampled Indian food. Even the staff entered into the spirit of the occasion with their saris. We purchased Harry's outfit from the Hospice of the Good Shepherd, the young assistant was so helpful and so not only did we get a costume sorted but our money was spent on a good cause. Harry liked his turban the best which was one I used last year when I lost my hair. I used this one the most because I loved the colour red and it is well worn. I think its lovely to see it being used for something not related to ill health.


Harry did have a problem with his snack at snack time, the change in routine can be confusing and upsetting for children with autism. He was choked up and emotional when he came out of school but I spoke to his teacher and we got to the root of the problem and all is well.


I had some sad news today. My mums dog Al has been taken ill. He has liver problems and is on a drip at the vets, it is touch and go as to whether or not he pulls through. Al is an integral part of mums life, her faithful friend. As for me, he represents a wonderful part of my life with motherhood and baby/toddler trips to Erddig and Nains river. I only saw him on Monday and he was so happy, its hard to hear that my little friend is so gravely ill.


On a different note, I gained 2 1/2 lbs this week at weight watchers but I am not worried or stressed about it. Looking at the size of my fingers and the fact that I still can't get a wedding ring on I reckon that if I could stop the drugs I would lose half a stone in fluid alone! The main thing is that I am still going to weight watchers and if I hadn't been going I would be alot bigger than I am now.

Chester (Y Gaer)

Today my husband and I met his mum in Chester, the nearest city to us about 6 miles away in the country of England! It is a Roman city with quite a few roman remains and it is pretty. Alot of tourists visit there and do touristy things but we like to go there for some nice food and a bit of retail therapy.

We ate at Chez Jules which is a french resteraunt and was gorgeous. The food was beautiful! I enjoyed a chicken and bacon salad followed by a chargrilled pork chop with vegatables, mmmm delicious! It was nice to have some adult time with Jasons mum without the kids fighting or arguing or demanding...

Chester has lots of different resteraunts; mexican, spanish, italian, french, brazilian to name but a few and we are lucky that they are of a high quality so theres always lots of choice.

My shoulder has given me a little more pain today but the medication from the doctor is helping.

The boys have just returned from school with a "Finger of Fudge" - I sang the old advert song to them and Joe got quite annoyed!




but the advert is from my childhood and it brings back happy memories, plus the song is really cute don't you think?

Aches, Pains and Tiredness

The last few weeks have been quite difficult for me really because I am fighting fatigue together with an all over stiffening and aching of my joints made worse by the fact that my shoulder which was injured before Christmas is really hurting because I am using it more for mucking out, changing rugs on Cola etc etc.

Now before you feel too sorry for me, I must hasten to add that my shoulder was injured when I tripped over my dog Wilbur in a quest for crisps. I had had rather a few glasses of wine at the time so needless to say, the injury was of my own doing! It doesn't make it any the less painful though!

So I saw my GP today, Dr Happs; very nice doctor he is too! He checked my movements and they are all fine and suspects soft tissue damage. The fatigue he suspects is down to the herceptin so he has prescribed some strong painkillers, voltorol gel, refered me for physio and sent me off for some blood tests!

I have at last found a bra that doesn't hurt me, but it is a mastectomy bra. I know that I had a lumpectomy but out of desperation I thought I would give it a go and it has worked. It is padded and shaped in such a way that it gives support and I don't get hurt. I am a 32G these days and my shoulder has been better after a day of wearing that so it makes me wonder if my lack of support has been aggrivating the shoulder injury! I was fine up until I had radiotherapy and since then I have had a huge problem with bras.

I also find that I am still retaining fluid. I still can't get my wedding ring past the first part of my finger and my bra size has gone up from 30FF to 32G even though I weigh less so I feel as though I am slowly starting to explode.

On the plus side, we did have the first spring day today and it was wonderful being able to go out without a coat!

I have been busy preparing a small party for Jason's 40th at the weekend. Here's the plan but shhhhhhhh its a secret! I am going to try and get him to take the children to the pictures on Sunday afternoon and while he is gone I am going to get my friends over to fix up a gazebo, decorate the place, put a big pot of chilli on the hob, jacket spuds in the oven then when he gets home he will have a big surprise!

I will blog about the party after it has been and gone. I have ordered the food and drink online with Tesco so they will deliver on Saturday while he is at work. I have ordered a birthday cake with the Welsh flag on it - tidy!!!!

More Herceptin

The nurses and even the Sisters at the Shooting Star Unit refer me directly to the doctors for canulisation. I have tiny veins and they are frightened of hurting me. I did explain to Dr Gordon that the veins on my left hand were collapsed and he would get a line in but it wouldnt work. These doctors all know best and he tried my left arm first anyway!. The result was a swollen and bruised wrist! So he canulated my right arm anyway with no pain, no discomfort and no bruising!

My little boy Joe was with me because he had an appointment at ENT. He was great at offering me some distraction and it was a good experience for him too. He thought that all I did was go in, have a quick injection, he didnt realise just how much was involved. He helped the doctor as well and he enjoyed that.

Herceptin is drip fed into your system over an hour with a saline flush through at the end. Apparently pretty soon they will be authorised to drip it in over half an hour. I have mixed feelings about this...... on one hand it will be nice to reduce the amount of time I am sitting receiving treatment but on the other, it is quite nice to recline your comfy chair and relax for an hour!

Side effects of herceptin...... my fingers are still like tree trunks and my bones ache like mad especially my lower back. My right shoulder where I fell before Christmas is giving me alot of pain too and I am not sure what to do about that!

Spring is Approaching

L-R: Joseff, Harry, Cola, Jason and Margaret

This time last year, I didn't know what the future held for me. I was recovering from a lumpectomy with a haematoma and facing my first round of chemotherapy. It was a scarey time because I didn't know how I would be affected.

This time last year I would never have believed how different my life would be. I am physically weaker than I was but emotionally stronger, I am hoping that with time I will become physically stronger and fitter once again.

So now we have a magnificent pony in our lives. Coca Cola, a native Fell pony who is a complete and utter darling.

Photo taken by Harry of Cola

I have a Mini Cooper and a pony - wow! I could never have predicted that!

So, spring is approaching. I can see that by Colas moulting coat, the longer days, the crocus bursting through in the garden. I am excited by the prospect of better weather and longer days and all the joys they will bring with them.

My Harry

So a year on and I am living a different but much better life. I don't get phased by stuff like when Harry exploded his jelly ball all over the new carpet and made some stains on it! What is the point, they are things, they can be replaced but people can't and love can't.