Today I am Negative

Today is a BLUE day for me! I am feeling depressed. Sorry if you are hoping for a cheery and positive post today because it isn't going to happen.

My hormones are all over the place, I understand this. The drugs I am on are playing havoc with my system and I am still recovering from chemotherapy and its side effects.

I am a positive person, I try my best to be kind to people, always have a smile on my face but sometimes its all too much.

My way of dealing with bad things in my life is to put them in a box and close the lid on them. Every now and again, the lid is opened and I am overwhelmed with the enormity of everything and this is how I am feeling today.

I am sick and tired of the hands I get dealt in life. Nothing is easy, everything I ever have comes with a huge price tag.

I am so angry that I lost my big brother Peter. Life would have been so much better if he had lived and I wouldn't have to see the loss in my mums eyes. I am fed up with the fact that my other condition (other than cancer) had played havoc with my body all my life, leaving it hard to have children. Miscarriage, years of fertility treatment..... Do you know what its like to live each month in hope and each month your dreams are dashed and you grieve again and again and again....

Then when I have children they are riddled with colic and not only that, they have speech, language and communication difficulties. If you see a child in a wheelchair you can see the disability but with my boys it is hidden. You can't begin to understand what living with this disability is like, what it is like to be a parent of a child with this condition.

Then I get breast cancer......... Life SUCKS BIG TIME!

Why me?

I don't want to look the way I look either. Overweight... hair too short... scars all over my body. I feel like a reject....