Saturday, 19 December 2009

Today I am Negative

Today is a BLUE day for me! I am feeling depressed. Sorry if you are hoping for a cheery and positive post today because it isn't going to happen.

My hormones are all over the place, I understand this. The drugs I am on are playing havoc with my system and I am still recovering from chemotherapy and its side effects.

I am a positive person, I try my best to be kind to people, always have a smile on my face but sometimes its all too much.

My way of dealing with bad things in my life is to put them in a box and close the lid on them. Every now and again, the lid is opened and I am overwhelmed with the enormity of everything and this is how I am feeling today.

I am sick and tired of the hands I get dealt in life. Nothing is easy, everything I ever have comes with a huge price tag.

I am so angry that I lost my big brother Peter. Life would have been so much better if he had lived and I wouldn't have to see the loss in my mums eyes. I am fed up with the fact that my other condition (other than cancer) had played havoc with my body all my life, leaving it hard to have children. Miscarriage, years of fertility treatment..... Do you know what its like to live each month in hope and each month your dreams are dashed and you grieve again and again and again....

Then when I have children they are riddled with colic and not only that, they have speech, language and communication difficulties. If you see a child in a wheelchair you can see the disability but with my boys it is hidden. You can't begin to understand what living with this disability is like, what it is like to be a parent of a child with this condition.

Then I get breast cancer......... Life SUCKS BIG TIME!

Why me?

I don't want to look the way I look either. Overweight... hair too short... scars all over my body. I feel like a reject....


  1. Yep we do have these days and a lot is fuled by hormones (or lack of them). You still are beautiful but time will take care of that short hair and the few (few!)pounds you may have.
    One of my best friends has an autistic son (who is 27 and hasn't spoken a word since he was 3) and I marvel how she has come to terms with that. Dealing with children with language difficulties is very hard. My daughter's condition is even more hidden but very difficult to deal with nonetheless-harder to deal with than cancer.
    Hang in there sweetie! I'm sure by the time you read this, your smiling self has reappeared.

  2. Hello Sara, I found you on FSO and sure empathize with what you are going through. We have 6 children. 2 daughters have BPO (bipolar disorger).Would you accept a WOW pin from me. I am a retired oncology nurse and miss my work and use this medium to continue my ministry to others. go to click on the address and it will take you to my site. Women of strength lift up other women of strength.

  3. Sara -
    I've found that sometimes we just have to let those crappy feelings out! It's one of the reasons I have a blog. I hope you feel better, though. I asked my self the "why me" question alot this last year - even though I tried to ask it when no one was around. I think people would be surprised that I felt that way - I kept it pretty well covered up. But, just how much can one person take? I too hate the way I look, overweight - short hair - scars - but at least I'm alive. I'm sorry about your brother, and your trials with your kids. Think about all of your good days, and pull one of them from your memory when you need to feel better.

    Take care,

  4. Sara.....the bottom line is life is not perfect, we are not perfect and you will get through this.....I too carry the scars of Breast Cancer, am a widow, have buried my son when he was 26 years old and my only daughter is bypolar.....but yet I still live, laugh and love life. This too shall pass my friend and you can express how you feel anytime especially on your own blog. Be strong dear lady.........:-)Hugs

  5. Sara, all I want to say is that hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day for you and that I am sending you gentle ((Hugs)) your way.

  6. Dear girl, your cheerful positivity always shines through - and it will again. Allow yourself time to grieve for yourself. I know you will square your shoulders and face life head on again soon! Meanwhile, know there are others who have come to admire and respect you so much!!

  7. You are allowed to be angry, It is healthy to let your emotions come out the way you feel. Have a good LET IT OUT, and hopefully you will feel better.

    Yes, sometimes, we wonder why we have so much on our plate. I will be thinking of you.



  8. Sara, life does suck sometimes. Sometimes it`s just not fair ... try to be gentle with yourself. Things will appear brighter soon.


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