Post Chemo Melt Down

After Chemo yesterday, Jason and I treated ourselves to a lovely lunch at the Alyn Pub. I had collected loyalty points and so we both had a two course lunch for £6.95 ($4.34). Jason had deep fried black pudding with a chilli sauces on a bed of salad followed by lamb kofta, naan bread, chips (thats fries to you Americans - but these are 1/2" thick), salad and cucumber dip. I had the mushroom soup with fresh roll and breaded skate, with chips (fries) and peas. I passed the roll and half the fish to Jason but enjoyed what I had. I knew I was going to be feeling ill later so it was nice to have "us" time while I was relatively OK.

I did reach burn out by evening though and ended up in floods of tears. My legs and arms became weak, my head buzzed and my whole body felt possessed - weird, I didn't like the sensation and where ever I went I couldn't get comfy. I settled at the dining room table, head on table looking out onto the garden - lovely!

Crying did me so much good though. I went for years without being able to cry but now I can, it is such a healing thing to do. I was crying for feeling useless, ill, feeble - hey - I don't have to spell it out but most of all I just wanted to get out of my body. I didn't want to die, I NEVER want to die, I just wanted to get out of my body....... Has anyone else felt like that?

I didn't get any sleep really. I cuddled with my dogs on the sofa, wrapped up in my blanket and watched a dreadful horror movie which was funny in itself! At about 5am I went back to bed and slept until 7am.

Now.... despite lack of sleep..... despite my digestive discomfort.... I feel good. I think a walk with the dogs to the woods is the order of the day!

The worst part about feeling ill (any illness really) is letting my kids down. Last night, Joe had a kiddie problem with something he had purchase with his pocket money. Jason tried to sort it out for him in a daddy way..... totally different to a mummy way...... and it really spoilt Joe's karma. He ended up crying but I pulled myself together, we talked and I sorted it out for him.

The other day, I don't know if I blogged this or not but Jason was taking Joe out for a bike ride and I had a medical crisis so it had to be cancelled while I either got into see my GP or to hospital. Luckily it was the former and after a very embarressing examination, I was releived to find out that a haemorroid had burst and it wasn't bowel cancer...... its so easy to get paranoid! Joe just couldn't understand the situation and said "but you haven't had chemo today!". Either he doesn't understand the situation or I am doing a stirling job of shielding my kids......is that a good or bad thing?

I really feel as though I have the devil in me at the moment. The mischievious side of me is breaking out and I am itching to have some fun, like the other day at the Grosvenor. Hey, I confessed this to my mum a few weeks ago and we giggled together like children, she said "so you do that too" and I confessed my sins and she said "I thought it was only me, so the Jones' spirit lives on...." I can confirm too that it has gone onto a 3rd generation with Harry, my youngest.

So what devilment can I get up to..... I have had a little bit of fun on Facebook but....... shall I pretend to be depressed at the school fete on Saturday and report back on the reaction????? I will keep you all informed....