Friday, 19 June 2009

Post Chemo Melt Down

After Chemo yesterday, Jason and I treated ourselves to a lovely lunch at the Alyn Pub. I had collected loyalty points and so we both had a two course lunch for £6.95 ($4.34). Jason had deep fried black pudding with a chilli sauces on a bed of salad followed by lamb kofta, naan bread, chips (thats fries to you Americans - but these are 1/2" thick), salad and cucumber dip. I had the mushroom soup with fresh roll and breaded skate, with chips (fries) and peas. I passed the roll and half the fish to Jason but enjoyed what I had. I knew I was going to be feeling ill later so it was nice to have "us" time while I was relatively OK.

I did reach burn out by evening though and ended up in floods of tears. My legs and arms became weak, my head buzzed and my whole body felt possessed - weird, I didn't like the sensation and where ever I went I couldn't get comfy. I settled at the dining room table, head on table looking out onto the garden - lovely!

Crying did me so much good though. I went for years without being able to cry but now I can, it is such a healing thing to do. I was crying for feeling useless, ill, feeble - hey - I don't have to spell it out but most of all I just wanted to get out of my body. I didn't want to die, I NEVER want to die, I just wanted to get out of my body....... Has anyone else felt like that?

I didn't get any sleep really. I cuddled with my dogs on the sofa, wrapped up in my blanket and watched a dreadful horror movie which was funny in itself! At about 5am I went back to bed and slept until 7am.

Now.... despite lack of sleep..... despite my digestive discomfort.... I feel good. I think a walk with the dogs to the woods is the order of the day!

The worst part about feeling ill (any illness really) is letting my kids down. Last night, Joe had a kiddie problem with something he had purchase with his pocket money. Jason tried to sort it out for him in a daddy way..... totally different to a mummy way...... and it really spoilt Joe's karma. He ended up crying but I pulled myself together, we talked and I sorted it out for him.

The other day, I don't know if I blogged this or not but Jason was taking Joe out for a bike ride and I had a medical crisis so it had to be cancelled while I either got into see my GP or to hospital. Luckily it was the former and after a very embarressing examination, I was releived to find out that a haemorroid had burst and it wasn't bowel cancer...... its so easy to get paranoid! Joe just couldn't understand the situation and said "but you haven't had chemo today!". Either he doesn't understand the situation or I am doing a stirling job of shielding my that a good or bad thing?

I really feel as though I have the devil in me at the moment. The mischievious side of me is breaking out and I am itching to have some fun, like the other day at the Grosvenor. Hey, I confessed this to my mum a few weeks ago and we giggled together like children, she said "so you do that too" and I confessed my sins and she said "I thought it was only me, so the Jones' spirit lives on...." I can confirm too that it has gone onto a 3rd generation with Harry, my youngest.

So what devilment can I get up to..... I have had a little bit of fun on Facebook but....... shall I pretend to be depressed at the school fete on Saturday and report back on the reaction????? I will keep you all informed....


  1. Sarah I just wanted to mention to you that I have a PICC line and I have had it in for 3 years. Just in case you are ever feeling like you cannot be stuck with a needle again.

    Sarah you are anything but alone in these feelings.

    I have cried more in the last 3 years then I have in my whole life.

    What helps me best is to keep it real. I would say to other friends with cancer 'Are you keeping it real or are you keeping it strong.' For me I have only kept it real and boy that helps a lot.

    Crying helps release so much stress and when you do it, don't wipe the tears just let them drip and it will feel so comforting, there is magic in the tears.

    By the way my father's name is Harry along with my brother, nephew, an great nephew.

    The kids are little and probably don't quite understand but you have to take care of yourself now so that you will be with them for a long time.

    Try to have a good weekend. And by the way walking th dogs sounds like a good idea.

    Love Renee xoxoxo

  2. Oh, poor you.
    This too shall pass.
    Thinking of you
    Stephanie x

  3. I am fine. Renee, was your dad full of mischief? My friend and I both have "Harrys" and we think there is something about the name!!!!

  4. Sara, Renee is right ... we need to keep it 'real'.

    I still struggle with it thou.

    Yes I have meltdowns and 'pissed off with the world' fits too ... I think it is normal.

    Yes do keep us posted on your devilment ...

  5. I can totally identify with the "mischevious" side itching to break out and have some fun! I can't wait until I can get into some (un-cancer-related) trouble again! Just here and there, every now and then... :)


I value each and every comment left, they keep me going and give me strength!