My Town Friday Shoot Out - Under Construction

This weeks assignment is "Under Construction".

Well my PANDORA bracelet which is pictured above is most definately under construction. It tells the story of my fight with Breast Cancer. My best friend bought me the bracelet and the breast cancer charm. Each bead marks a significant chapter in my life, the first red one was when I finished Epi-Reubison, the rabbit next to it was when I finished CMF and the hedgehog was for when my hair began to grow back, the love heart was our 15th wedding anniversary and the day of my last but one round of chemo, the coloured one next to it was given to me by my husband because I had such a rough time with that particular round of chemo. I will be leaving a bead space free for when I get my 5 years all clear from cancer!

Me? Well I am most definately UNDER CONSTRUCTION in 2010. I have to shed 2 stone, I want my hair to grow and I am going to get my teeth sorted out! You see, last Christmas I finished 3 years of brace work and just had them removed, I was waiting until my teeth settled before I was going to have some veneers, a cap and replacement fillings. Cancer and its treatment put the cap on that but I promised myself this year that it would get done!

This is my best friend Jan in the pottery centre in Centre Parcs. She is in the middle of painting me a red mini!

...and this is the finished product. She has copied every aspect of my own Mini Cooper including the tinted rear windows. The only difference was the slogan "GIRLS ROCK" across the bonnet!

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU ALL!

Review of the last decade....

Somebody mentioned a review of the decade on facebook and I decided to blog about things which have meant something to me, personnally. You will probably find alot of it boring, but it is theraputic for me! They come in no particular order.

I had the car of my dreams, my MINI COOPER - our first ever brand new car

I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I fought and beat Stage 3 Breast Cancer

I beat depression in 2008 following therapy with a brilliant guy Dave Atkinson and for the first time in my life, accepted myself

I beat my disordered eating pattern

I lost all my hair!

I gave birth to my second son Harry Llewelyn in May 2001

9/11 and the aftermath

My son was diagnosed autistic and I fought for years to get help for him and I eventually did!

I re-trained as a dog groomer

I set up and ran a successful part time business as a dog groomer for 4 years until cancer struck

I have had my hair long, short and bald!

I learnt how to blog and opened up a whole new world of friendship

Tony Blair got kicked out of government - sadly, not before he did the country alot of damage

The unnecessary war in Afghanistan and loss of so many livesI met HM the Queen and Prince Philip when they visited Wrexham. What a charming couple!

I did the Race for Life in 2008 - my first ever race

I got back together with my dad

I started running seriously

I made a Digital Story about Harry to help teach those in authorities how hard it is for children like him

I got my eldest son through his "issues" and at the age of 9 he actually ate Pizza (mixed up food)

The list is endless but to sum it up... it has been a difficult decade for me in lots of ways. I have battled and conquered disordered eating and depression. I have had two children with special needs and I have dealt with them successfully. If they hadn't had me as a mum, they would be prisoners of their own disorder. I have battled cancer and come out the other side. I lived for 3 years with virtually no sleep because Harry was such a troubled sleeper. Despite it all..... I am HERE and I am ready, just ready to make the next decade count.

New Year - No Resolutions!!

This year I have decided that I am not going to have New Years Resolutions, instead, I am going to have targets or objectives.

They are quite simple ones really;

1. I want to run the 2010 Race for Life and raise money for Cancer Research. I ran it in 2008 for Mike Peters but couldn't do it in 2009 because my cancer treatment left me too drained. 2010 I am going to do it for me and my other cancer fighting friends, you know who you are!

2. I want to run my first 10k race. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer last year I had almost finished training for my first 10k race which was due to take place on 1st March in Farndon. The pain caused by my biopsy and surgery meant that it was impossible for me to do this. I won't be fit enough in time for the next Farndon 10K but I am going to look for another one during the year and raise some money for Cancer research or the MacMillan information centre in Wrexham Hospital.

3. I want to reach my goal weight. My hormones went crazy in 2008 which meant I went up 2 dress sizes and gained 2 stone. I had lost a stone in weight when I was diagnosed with cancer. I was unable to keep on with weight watchers during treatment. I was craving carbohydrates and cheese and who was I to deny my poor body such pleasures? Also, the tamoxifen and steroids have caused bloating most of which has gone but I still can't wear my wedding, engagement and eternity rings. However, I AM wearing my Nain's wedding ring (welsh for grandmother) and my Great Auntie Lizzies engagement ring.

4. I want to learn Reiki. It is something I have wanted to do for years, I want to use it in my work with dogs and animals. I am fed up with dogs coming to me nervous or traumatised by the grooming process and I have always sought ways to make the matter more comfortable for them. I have used DAP spray, booked in extra time for nervous clients at no extra cost, so Reiki for me will be such a good tool for easing the distress of these animals.

These are all achievable targets so as we get through 2010 and I complete each one, lets celebrate together!

Pantomine Fun

- REVIEW: Llandudno panto is Strictly stunning This is one of the reviews about the pantomine we went to see yesterday!

For those followers of Strictly Come Dancing, you will appreciate Craig Revel Horwood and some of the jokes in the show!

Thank you to my mother in law, Margaret who arranged this Boxing Day treat for us. I thoroughly enjoyed it. We had good seats, Margaret made sure of that and the show was spectacular. The costumes were a joy, the jokes were so funny, the dancing and singing was great....... The only thing that spoilt it a bit for me was having a Harry with me who doesn't have a great attention span. He kept asking "when do we go home" and yet, whenever thunder struck or the wicked witch came on stage..... he was mesmorised! Panto experiences with a child with autism require patience.......

Christmas Day 2009

This Christmas Day I want to wish everyone Christmas Blessings. It doesn't matter what your religeon is, it doesn't matter if you don't believe, all that matters is that we are here and we are sharing love and joy. My thoughts and prayers are with those who are less fortunate than me, those who are mourning the loss of loved ones, those who are ill, or trapped in conflict.

We have just had our Christmas dinner and I am so stuffed full of food! I am sitting here wearing my paper crown and watching the traditional Christmas edition of Top of the Pops, waiting for the Queens speech at 3pm. I have Wilbur curled up next to me, he stole a party popper and it exploded in his mouth. He was very scared and dejected and immediately came to me for reassurance, he is such a silly dog. I love Wilbur because there is not a nasty bone in his body, even if he has just met you he will look at you with such complete adoration, I think thats why when things go wrong or upset him he gets very hurt!

Pickles loves her new toys especially the dog beer! The dogs have had their Christmas dinner too and loved every morsal! Oh no! Pickles has started........ she is grumbling....... mumbling......... woofing....... she wants my coffee!

Just look at all the the gifts Santa brought my boys. The best part about it was that neither boys asked for much because I have taught them about the cost of things and both were over the moon with everything they had. Even though there were gifts I was unable to get for them, not a complaint was made, I am so proud of them.

Joe enjoys playing chess and all he wanted this Christmas was a proper chess set. The one we got him is hand carved and is beautiful, something I hope he will keep and treasure for years to come.

My boys got me this Steiff pony! She is a welcome addition to my collection of bears. I love Steiff creatures so much because of the attention to detail. I didn't know of this pony but its lovely and I will treasure it forever.

I have been so lucky this Christmas but the best of all is just being alive and well this Christmas, being with my family, enjoying them, relishing in their youth. They still believe in Father Christmas and its such a special time. This is probably the last year that Joe believes because he is off to high school in September.... bitter sweet.

So on this special and Holy day, I wish you all health and happiness this Christmas and for the coming new year.

My Town Friday Shoot Out - Angels

This week I have been so busy preparing for Christmas that I haven't had time to take the pictures I would have liked to so I have dipped into my archive.

My horse "MAC" pictured above is in Heaven now. He was such a darling horse, so kind and reliable, I would have trusted anybody on him.

My darling pony Shilo, was one of the loves of my life. I was given him because he was a naughty pony and as a rescue came hand in hand with a load of problems. We worked together and I turned him into the handsome King you see in this picture. He was my King, he was my first love.

These are my two little darling Angels. They give me a reason to live and a purpose in my life. They have kept me going this year through my fight with Breast Cancer. When my hair fell out they accepted me for who I was, never once making me feel ugly or unloved. They are my true little Angels.

In this picture is my big brother, Peter Geraint (the police constable). He died 19 years ago and I KNOW that he is my guardian angel, looking out for me on the other side!

My beautiful girl Bobbi! Now she really was an Angel sent to me by God. When I was a little girl I used to pray for a dog of my own. She would be small, she would be scruffy and she would be all mine...... Years and years later, my wish came true, in fact I always refered to her as "my gift from God" or "my wish come true". She got me through some difficult times, years of disappointment when we were trying for a baby. When at last I became pregnant with Joe, she got me through the labour, distracting me from my pain. She kept me company during the night feeds and was always at my side. When Joe was a few months, I found out that Bobbi had lymphoma at just 5 years old..... She died in August 1999 and I felt as though a light had been switched off in my heart. Looking back, I know that she was sent to me by God to help me through those terrible years and once her "job" was done, it was time for her to go back to Him. Ten long years have passed since she died and I think about her all the time. She is my darling Angel Bobbi.

I had lots of gifts today....

I have had a really lucky day today! I braved Sainsburys to get the Christmas food in. It was mad, trying to get a parking spot but once I was in the shop it was quite alright. I purchased my goods then when I got to the checkout I asked the girl if I could take my reward points off the bill. "It will only be a few pounds...." how wrong was I? It turned out to be almost £70 which halved my bill! I nearly jumped for joy. I grinned from ear to ear and said to the girl that this was my Christmas present come early.



I then went into Wrexham town shopping with my mum. We had a lovely time, the fair was in town so too was the market in Queens Square and I loved the smell of hot donuts mmmmmmmm


We had a successful trip but the nicest stop of all was at a new shop that has opened near the butchers market. They sell crystals and herbs, ideal for buying Joe his crystals. We got chatting to the owner and it turns out that he is a medium and a healer. He told me I had a healing aura which is funny because I am seriously interested in learning reiki. He started to stroke his upper lip and asked me about a man with a moustache....... my brother Peter, he grew one not long before he was killed.


So I have returned home so pleased with my day because I have been so blessed with all the lovely gifts I have been given today.

Christmas Wishes

I can't believe that 2009 is nearly over!

2009 started off so well and yet two weeks into the new year I found my cancerous lump, quite by accident. I still feel as though this year has been a dream, the whole experience has been surreal. Perhaps thats my way of coping with the enormity of what has happened to me. I had cancer..... I have fought cancer..... it just doesn't seem to register in my mind.

So I think back to this time last year, life was so hectic then with my dog grooming business and all my customers wanting to be clipped and bathed in preparation for the festivities. The rush of shopping, the wrapping of presents and the being together. It was a lovely Christmas last year..... I had come to terms with my past, I had faced my demons and I was ready to enjoy life. I didn't know at the time that I hadn't faced the worst demon yet, that was to come on 16th January 2009, the day I found my lump.

I can't believe that I have been through every season this year, from winter, spring, summer, autumn and now back to winter! It all seems misty in my minds eye.

This Christmas I am not as fit as I was last year but I am ALIVE. Sitting upstairs, wrapping my sons gifts, I felt overwhelmed by the joy at being HERE to celebrate Christmas with them. I bought Joe some books and as I wrote in each one, dedicating them to him, I was more aware of how special those dedications will eventually become.

So THANK YOU GOD for me finding the cancer, THANK YOU for the surgeon who was able to remove it with a good clear margin, THANK YOU for it not having spread to my lymph nodes, THANK YOU for the new techniques and medicines I have and am benefiting from (sentinal node biopsy and herceptin), THANK YOU for getting me through chemotherapy, THANK YOU for the wonderful nurses and staff at the Shooting Star Unit but most of all, most of all, THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME LIVE ON.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Snow!

We went to our friends house today in Llanarmon DC, it was snowing when we got there and the wind was blowing a bit of a blizzard. We did really well until we headed up the lane towards there home and then we got stuck on the road. We tried to get the car up but in the end we had to abandon it. Luckily we were able to park it at a holiday cottage which was not being used and we walked up the hill. On the way we walked along the stream and it was so wonderful to see the icicles in the stream, you can see them in the picture above.

The stream was quite fast flowing with all the snow.

This is a picture of me and Joe on the walk up the hill to our friends house. The walk was steep and by the end of it I was boiling hot!

Oliver is my friends youngest son. He is 2 and a bit years old and a complete joy. He is sooooo funny and entertaining. He was ready to go sledging here but only lasted a short while in the cold!

My friend Llinos, my son Harry and her daugher Eleri having some sledging fun. You can see how thick and fast the snow was falling.

I had to take this picture of the view from the hill, it was so beautiful. At this point, Jason, Llinos and the children were higher up having sledging fun. The snow was being whipped up so much I decided to stay put where I was.

Alvin, Oliver and Jason getting ready for some sledging action. Didn't manage to stay out long because it was so cold and the horses had to be brought into their stables.

It was so cold up there but the children had so much fun. I wished I didn't feel the cold so much otherwise I would have had alot more fun myself. Mental note to self...... must get myself some insulated trousers and then I can participate!

How Do We Solve a Problem like My Harry?

I have had to focus on myself this last year. I have had to somehow get through cancer treatment and get to the end of the year. I have done it! However, during this time I have not been able to be as hands on with my sons, especially Harry who is autistic and has communication difficulties. I was always pro-active with Mr H and always watching him but after the months I have had, I have distanced myself. I have had to, otherwise I just couldn't have coped.

Both my kids have had so much to deal with aside from their difficulties. They have seen their mum worried, scared, sad, angry, seen the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. They have seen my hair fall out and re-grow. What a difficult situation for "normal" kids.

Harry is having difficulty coping with his emotions at the moment and it is becoming a growing problem as he hurts others which is not acceptable. I am worried sick that he will grow up to be in constant trouble. I think this has been a big contributor to why I have been so depressed this weekend.

I bought the book "Volcano in my Tummy" a couple of years ago but like alot of strategies it wasn't right for Harry at the time. Now he is older, I am going to be using this book to teach him about his anger and how he can manage it without hurting others.


I have just spent £30 with Amazon on a selection of other books about anger and dealing with it in a more positive way. I won't bombard Harry with the books but will use them to drip feed the message. I will bring school on board with my plan so that it can be further re-inforced there.

Lets hope these books work! I have already used others similar to this "Is It Right to Fight" etc with great success.

I will let you know how we progress!

Being a mum is the hardest job I have ever done but the most rewarding. Sometimes though, I just wish..... I just wish with all my heart that I could have had a more "average" or, dare I say it? "normal" experience of parenting.

Today I am Negative

Today is a BLUE day for me! I am feeling depressed. Sorry if you are hoping for a cheery and positive post today because it isn't going to happen.

My hormones are all over the place, I understand this. The drugs I am on are playing havoc with my system and I am still recovering from chemotherapy and its side effects.

I am a positive person, I try my best to be kind to people, always have a smile on my face but sometimes its all too much.

My way of dealing with bad things in my life is to put them in a box and close the lid on them. Every now and again, the lid is opened and I am overwhelmed with the enormity of everything and this is how I am feeling today.

I am sick and tired of the hands I get dealt in life. Nothing is easy, everything I ever have comes with a huge price tag.

I am so angry that I lost my big brother Peter. Life would have been so much better if he had lived and I wouldn't have to see the loss in my mums eyes. I am fed up with the fact that my other condition (other than cancer) had played havoc with my body all my life, leaving it hard to have children. Miscarriage, years of fertility treatment..... Do you know what its like to live each month in hope and each month your dreams are dashed and you grieve again and again and again....

Then when I have children they are riddled with colic and not only that, they have speech, language and communication difficulties. If you see a child in a wheelchair you can see the disability but with my boys it is hidden. You can't begin to understand what living with this disability is like, what it is like to be a parent of a child with this condition.

Then I get breast cancer......... Life SUCKS BIG TIME!

Why me?

I don't want to look the way I look either. Overweight... hair too short... scars all over my body. I feel like a reject....

Friday Shoot Out

I love Christmas trees, real ones! The smell of pine in the house is truly wonderful. I don't enjoy decorating the tree though, I leave that to the boys! We have a lovely collection of ornaments, each one with their own memory. We have one from New York which is a foil scene of the twin towers....

I like the idea of Father Christmas and Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! Part of me still believes!

I love this new generation of Christmas decorations, reindeer outside!

Life is Amazing!

(Click on images to enlarge)

Christmas always awakens a whole range of emotions for me. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong, its got to be the best time of year, I love it but I do get swamped with alsorts of feelings and emotions and occasionally I feel overwhelmed.

I saw my eldest son Joseff perform his last ever Christmas play in primary school. I have known all of his classmates since they were babies and it was so strange seeing them up there on stage performing their hearts out. The picture above is of me and Joseff, I think he was only a few weeks old in the picture. When he was born, I considered myself the luckiest person in the whole world. I had been on fertility treatment for years and had almost given up hope of having children when he came along.

Joseff had his Christening in Gresford Parish Church on 27th December 1998 aged 10 weeks old. From left to right: Julie, Angela, Me & Joe, Jason, Amanda & Kieran and Karl.

Keiran is now a strapping young man!

I can't begin to describe how exhilerated and wonderful I felt when this photo was taken. Joseff had only just been born and I couldn't wait to get him back in my arms again. He was born in the early hours of the morning following just 2 hours of labour. We both went into shock but he was born safely just as the doctors arrived. I remember going onto the ward with him and just staring at him for hours.

Harry didn't like Father Christmas when he was 2 years old. He just wanted to grab his present and go! I love this photo so much! I wish I had known about his condition then, maybe I would have considered the impact of Father Christmas a little more and been a bit more sympathetic to his very real fear.

Harry loved Buzz Lightyear, he was his favourite toy for a long time until eventually he did actually fall apart. I remember clearly the day he preteneded to be Buzz in Dodleston Park. He was on a climbing frame, about 4ft in the air when I saw him press his imaginary button, make all the right sounds before his jump..... Luckily we got to him in time and disaster was avoided. Harry always gets into character when he is playing, he BECOMES the person he is playing which sounds cute but not when it involves flying, jumping and other dangerous activities.





This time of year I think about my loved ones. Dear Peter, forever 25. Last night I watched the Royal Variety Performance on TV and Bette Midler performed "Wind Beneath my Wings". I cried my heart out because I used to play that after Peter died, it says everything about how I felt about him because he was my heroe I used to idolise him.

Today is the 20th anniversary of my Nains death. She was a remarkable lady, with a beautiful face, equally beautiful smile and a twinkle in her eye.

Life is pretty amazing really. Yes, I have lost loved ones tragically, yes I have been through fertility treatment and miscarriage, I have children with speech & communication difficulties and one who is autistic and I have just battled breast cancer. However, each of these situations has made me the person I am today. I am proud and so glad to have been able to know my Nain, I am so lucky to have had such a devoted big brother in Peter. No matter what the ever lasting pain of their loss has inflicted on me, it was worth the honour and privelage of having them in my life. I am lucky to still have mum and dad in my life and a lovely little brother, Gareth not to mention my Auntie Heather and Uncle Phil.

So.... against all odds, I have it all. I wonderful husband and two glorious boys. I have fought cancer and will continue to do so because I intend to be around for many years to come. Life has so much to offer and I am currently just deciding what I am going to do with it. There was a time that I dreaded feeling this happy because something always happened to snatch my happiness away..... I don't think anything will happen this time, I have a feeling in my heart.

My plans for the future include practicing Reiki, running to raise money for cancer research and autism, opening a dog grooming salon and God willing..... becoming a Nain x

Christmas Plays are Great!

We have just returned from the first showing of St. Peters School Christmas play, Scrooge! It was a really good show and children from all years were involved. I thought it was so funny that my Joe being the smallest in his class was Tiny Tim! Sad to think that this is the last ever production that these children will perform together. These kids have been through mother and toddlers, nursery, reception through to final year 6 and come September they will move on to high school. Some will be going to the feeder school of Darland which is where Joe will be going, others will move further afield to Castell Alan and Bishops Heber.

The only child in the audience who looked thoroughly miserable was our Harry. I was lucky that tonight he didn't misbehave he just looked grumpy. I was waiting him to wave a fist at me but he managed to keep himself in check!

I was in Chester today and passed Mother Care, a shop I used to frequent when the boys were babies. I saw lots of babies. I remembered my boys as toddlers and I am sorry that those years were so fraught that I wasn't able to treasure them. I remembered what it was like to cuddle them, nurse them and now they are so grown up and sufficient, putting on plays and singing their hearts out!

Round 4 of Herceptin tomorrow and I actually remembered to phone the unit this morning to let them know I would be coming in!

Jules Update and Running with Wilbur

I received an email from Jules Peters today thanking me for the care package I sent out. She has been a very poorly young lady with not only DVT, tropical disease but also had a pulmonary embulism. She is lucky to be alive. She is recovering at home now with her young children and is doing well. These conditions were caused during her climb up Kilimanjaro to raise money for cancer. We are all set for the Gathering at the end of January 2010 in Prestatyn where I can hopefully meet her in person.

Today I went running with my dog Wilbur. I have had to have a few days off exercise as I injured my shoulder on Thursday having tripped up over Mr Wilbur. I landed on my shoulder and it is still incredibly painful, very hard for me to get dressed or put a coat on. However, I had a good run and enjoyed it even more for having his company. He had to wear is flourescent tabard because he is the colour of tarmac and whilst motorists on the lane may see me, they may miss the little guy.

A very productive day.... I am feeling stronger and fitter with each new day and I am so happy to be able to do the things I love once again.

Elsa!

Elsa is a lovely guineapig. She is sweet, gentle and very kind. If any of my other female piggies are poorly, she is always the one I choose as a companion. However, poor old Elsa has lost alot of weight recently so I made the decision today to bring her into the house for the rest of the winter and concentrate on getting her weight up. I have a supply of CRITICAL CARE which is a special food for poorly piggies, vitamin C tablets and the fact that she will not have to compete for her food means that the prognosis should be good.

She has settled in well so far and in a moment I will be giving her a bath which will make her feel much better. I think she will enjoy having my individual attention.

A Fab Night Out!

Last night it was the "mums" Christmas night out at Bollicinis in chester www.bollicinis.co.uk and what a fab, fab night we had. Yes, we did dance around our handbags, and yes we did hound the dj for some Black Eyed Peas because we got fed up with his lame selection of music.

I had parma ham and melon to start followed by tagliatelli and tiramisu (not together!) and it was lovely. There was a bit of a disaster with the proffiteroles because they were still frozen but by that time we had enjoyed far too much wine and it didnt detract from the enjoyment of the night.

Such good fun! Good company! Nice Food! Lots of fun!

My Birthday Yesterday!

I have been so lucky this birthday with all of the wonderful gifts and cards I have received! Last year I was in Rome for my birthday but this year I was at home which is truly where my heart is! The only sad part of it was that my youngest son was away from home on a school trip. My mother-in-law bought me this gorgeous PANDORA bead. I hadn't seen this one before but it is so pretty.

This horse PANDORA bead was one of my gifts off youngest son Harry. He also bought me a glass paperweight shaped like a diamond which he chose himself. He gave me his gift just before he left for Nant BH. Harry loves sparkly things.

This card is just gorgeous! My friends daughter, Chloe made it for me! I have a special "keep sake" box and this card is definately going in it!

These are a gift in themselves! 12 years ago I was almost at the point of giving up on the possibility of having children and now I have two gorgeous sons! Having two birthday cards sporting the word "MUM" means more than words can explain!

My Auntie Heather and Uncle Phil gave me this card. They know how significant the blue butterfly has been for me during my fight with breast cancer. The blue butterfly is means "healing, sent with love".

My husband always gets me the nicest cards with a really slushy message inside!

Just look at all of my gifts!!!!! I have been so lucky! I happened to spot the Carvella boots in Chester a week or so ago and I was lusting after them secretly and just look........ Jason got them for me! The NOA perfume is from my eldest son Joe, we sipped the sparkling wine, the Clinique body stuff is devine!

I love my new boots!

Not sure if everyone is familiar with GOK but in this country, he is a fashion and style guru. He has brought out his own range of body pampering products and just look at the size of the box I have been given!

My dad bought me this dirt devil for my car! What a thoughtful gift this is! I was struggling with my big hoover but this will make the job so much easier.

I had lots and lots of lovely things including a schnauzer glass keyring, a wolf t-shirt, a wii fit, a red scarf and a puzzle photo of my cousins children in Australia! I have decided to put the puzzle together then have it glued and framed!

I am so grateful for all of my birthday cards, gifts and good wishes.