Thursday, 31 December 2009
Wednesday, 30 December 2009
Somebody mentioned a review of the decade on facebook and I decided to blog about things which have meant something to me, personnally. You will probably find alot of it boring, but it is theraputic for me! They come in no particular order.
I had the car of my dreams, my MINI COOPER - our first ever brand new car
I was diagnosed with Stage 3 Breast Cancer
I fought and beat Stage 3 Breast Cancer
I beat depression in 2008 following therapy with a brilliant guy Dave Atkinson and for the first time in my life, accepted myself
I beat my disordered eating pattern
I gave birth to my second son Harry Llewelyn in May 2001
9/11 and the aftermath
My son was diagnosed autistic and I fought for years to get help for him and I eventually did!
I re-trained as a dog groomer
I set up and ran a successful part time business as a dog groomer for 4 years until cancer struck
I learnt how to blog and opened up a whole new world of friendship
Tony Blair got kicked out of government - sadly, not before he did the country alot of damage
I did the Race for Life in 2008 - my first ever race
I got back together with my dad
I started running seriously
I made a Digital Story about Harry to help teach those in authorities how hard it is for children like him
I got my eldest son through his "issues" and at the age of 9 he actually ate Pizza (mixed up food)
The list is endless but to sum it up... it has been a difficult decade for me in lots of ways. I have battled and conquered disordered eating and depression. I have had two children with special needs and I have dealt with them successfully. If they hadn't had me as a mum, they would be prisoners of their own disorder. I have battled cancer and come out the other side. I lived for 3 years with virtually no sleep because Harry was such a troubled sleeper. Despite it all..... I am HERE and I am ready, just ready to make the next decade count.
Monday, 28 December 2009
Sunday, 27 December 2009
For those followers of Strictly Come Dancing, you will appreciate Craig Revel Horwood and some of the jokes in the show!
Thank you to my mother in law, Margaret who arranged this Boxing Day treat for us. I thoroughly enjoyed it. We had good seats, Margaret made sure of that and the show was spectacular. The costumes were a joy, the jokes were so funny, the dancing and singing was great....... The only thing that spoilt it a bit for me was having a Harry with me who doesn't have a great attention span. He kept asking "when do we go home" and yet, whenever thunder struck or the wicked witch came on stage..... he was mesmorised! Panto experiences with a child with autism require patience.......
Friday, 25 December 2009
Just look at all the the gifts Santa brought my boys. The best part about it was that neither boys asked for much because I have taught them about the cost of things and both were over the moon with everything they had. Even though there were gifts I was unable to get for them, not a complaint was made, I am so proud of them.
My boys got me this Steiff pony! She is a welcome addition to my collection of bears. I love Steiff creatures so much because of the attention to detail. I didn't know of this pony but its lovely and I will treasure it forever.
Thursday, 24 December 2009
My beautiful girl Bobbi! Now she really was an Angel sent to me by God. When I was a little girl I used to pray for a dog of my own. She would be small, she would be scruffy and she would be all mine...... Years and years later, my wish came true, in fact I always refered to her as "my gift from God" or "my wish come true". She got me through some difficult times, years of disappointment when we were trying for a baby. When at last I became pregnant with Joe, she got me through the labour, distracting me from my pain. She kept me company during the night feeds and was always at my side. When Joe was a few months, I found out that Bobbi had lymphoma at just 5 years old..... She died in August 1999 and I felt as though a light had been switched off in my heart. Looking back, I know that she was sent to me by God to help me through those terrible years and once her "job" was done, it was time for her to go back to Him. Ten long years have passed since she died and I think about her all the time. She is my darling Angel Bobbi.
Wednesday, 23 December 2009
I then went into Wrexham town shopping with my mum. We had a lovely time, the fair was in town so too was the market in Queens Square and I loved the smell of hot donuts mmmmmmmm
We had a successful trip but the nicest stop of all was at a new shop that has opened near the butchers market. They sell crystals and herbs, ideal for buying Joe his crystals. We got chatting to the owner and it turns out that he is a medium and a healer. He told me I had a healing aura which is funny because I am seriously interested in learning reiki. He started to stroke his upper lip and asked me about a man with a moustache....... my brother Peter, he grew one not long before he was killed.
So I have returned home so pleased with my day because I have been so blessed with all the lovely gifts I have been given today.
Tuesday, 22 December 2009
Sunday, 20 December 2009
I had to take this picture of the view from the hill, it was so beautiful. At this point, Jason, Llinos and the children were higher up having sledging fun. The snow was being whipped up so much I decided to stay put where I was.
Both my kids have had so much to deal with aside from their difficulties. They have seen their mum worried, scared, sad, angry, seen the effects of surgery, chemotherapy and radiotherapy. They have seen my hair fall out and re-grow. What a difficult situation for "normal" kids.
Harry is having difficulty coping with his emotions at the moment and it is becoming a growing problem as he hurts others which is not acceptable. I am worried sick that he will grow up to be in constant trouble. I think this has been a big contributor to why I have been so depressed this weekend.
I bought the book "Volcano in my Tummy" a couple of years ago but like alot of strategies it wasn't right for Harry at the time. Now he is older, I am going to be using this book to teach him about his anger and how he can manage it without hurting others.
I have just spent £30 with Amazon on a selection of other books about anger and dealing with it in a more positive way. I won't bombard Harry with the books but will use them to drip feed the message. I will bring school on board with my plan so that it can be further re-inforced there.
Saturday, 19 December 2009
My hormones are all over the place, I understand this. The drugs I am on are playing havoc with my system and I am still recovering from chemotherapy and its side effects.
I am a positive person, I try my best to be kind to people, always have a smile on my face but sometimes its all too much.
My way of dealing with bad things in my life is to put them in a box and close the lid on them. Every now and again, the lid is opened and I am overwhelmed with the enormity of everything and this is how I am feeling today.
I am sick and tired of the hands I get dealt in life. Nothing is easy, everything I ever have comes with a huge price tag.
I am so angry that I lost my big brother Peter. Life would have been so much better if he had lived and I wouldn't have to see the loss in my mums eyes. I am fed up with the fact that my other condition (other than cancer) had played havoc with my body all my life, leaving it hard to have children. Miscarriage, years of fertility treatment..... Do you know what its like to live each month in hope and each month your dreams are dashed and you grieve again and again and again....
Then when I have children they are riddled with colic and not only that, they have speech, language and communication difficulties. If you see a child in a wheelchair you can see the disability but with my boys it is hidden. You can't begin to understand what living with this disability is like, what it is like to be a parent of a child with this condition.
Then I get breast cancer......... Life SUCKS BIG TIME!
I don't want to look the way I look either. Overweight... hair too short... scars all over my body. I feel like a reject....
Thursday, 17 December 2009
Keiran is now a strapping young man!
This time of year I think about my loved ones. Dear Peter, forever 25. Last night I watched the Royal Variety Performance on TV and Bette Midler performed "Wind Beneath my Wings". I cried my heart out because I used to play that after Peter died, it says everything about how I felt about him because he was my heroe I used to idolise him.
Today is the 20th anniversary of my Nains death. She was a remarkable lady, with a beautiful face, equally beautiful smile and a twinkle in her eye.
Life is pretty amazing really. Yes, I have lost loved ones tragically, yes I have been through fertility treatment and miscarriage, I have children with speech & communication difficulties and one who is autistic and I have just battled breast cancer. However, each of these situations has made me the person I am today. I am proud and so glad to have been able to know my Nain, I am so lucky to have had such a devoted big brother in Peter. No matter what the ever lasting pain of their loss has inflicted on me, it was worth the honour and privelage of having them in my life. I am lucky to still have mum and dad in my life and a lovely little brother, Gareth not to mention my Auntie Heather and Uncle Phil.
So.... against all odds, I have it all. I wonderful husband and two glorious boys. I have fought cancer and will continue to do so because I intend to be around for many years to come. Life has so much to offer and I am currently just deciding what I am going to do with it. There was a time that I dreaded feeling this happy because something always happened to snatch my happiness away..... I don't think anything will happen this time, I have a feeling in my heart.
My plans for the future include practicing Reiki, running to raise money for cancer research and autism, opening a dog grooming salon and God willing..... becoming a Nain x
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
The only child in the audience who looked thoroughly miserable was our Harry. I was lucky that tonight he didn't misbehave he just looked grumpy. I was waiting him to wave a fist at me but he managed to keep himself in check!
I was in Chester today and passed Mother Care, a shop I used to frequent when the boys were babies. I saw lots of babies. I remembered my boys as toddlers and I am sorry that those years were so fraught that I wasn't able to treasure them. I remembered what it was like to cuddle them, nurse them and now they are so grown up and sufficient, putting on plays and singing their hearts out!
Round 4 of Herceptin tomorrow and I actually remembered to phone the unit this morning to let them know I would be coming in!
Monday, 14 December 2009
Today I went running with my dog Wilbur. I have had to have a few days off exercise as I injured my shoulder on Thursday having tripped up over Mr Wilbur. I landed on my shoulder and it is still incredibly painful, very hard for me to get dressed or put a coat on. However, I had a good run and enjoyed it even more for having his company. He had to wear is flourescent tabard because he is the colour of tarmac and whilst motorists on the lane may see me, they may miss the little guy.
A very productive day.... I am feeling stronger and fitter with each new day and I am so happy to be able to do the things I love once again.
Sunday, 13 December 2009
She has settled in well so far and in a moment I will be giving her a bath which will make her feel much better. I think she will enjoy having my individual attention.
Saturday, 12 December 2009
Friday, 11 December 2009
These are a gift in themselves! 12 years ago I was almost at the point of giving up on the possibility of having children and now I have two gorgeous sons! Having two birthday cards sporting the word "MUM" means more than words can explain!
My husband always gets me the nicest cards with a really slushy message inside!
Just look at all of my gifts!!!!! I have been so lucky! I happened to spot the Carvella boots in Chester a week or so ago and I was lusting after them secretly and just look........ Jason got them for me! The NOA perfume is from my eldest son Joe, we sipped the sparkling wine, the Clinique body stuff is devine!
I love my new boots!
Not sure if everyone is familiar with GOK but in this country, he is a fashion and style guru. He has brought out his own range of body pampering products and just look at the size of the box I have been given!
My dad bought me this dirt devil for my car! What a thoughtful gift this is! I was struggling with my big hoover but this will make the job so much easier.