Sunday, 31 May 2009
Saturday, 30 May 2009
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Wednesday, 27 May 2009
I ended up in his bed which is not comfortable at all! First of all, I had to negotiate the ladder which digs into my old feet, then squeeze my ample bottom through the gap that leads to the bed. The bed itself was full of "stuff". By that I mean, soft blankets (he likes soft things), toys, lego!!!!!
I did not have a good night sleep!
Consequently, I am sitting here typing my blog, feeling rather worse for wear and I can't blame it on chemo!
Seriously; children grow up so quickly. Children can be a pain, its their job but they can be an incredible joy. So many parents wish their children back at school, out of the way etc but what they don't realise is that these precious gifts are ours to care for and protect while they are vulnerable but they are their own little people and have their own destiny to follow. Once they are gone, they are gone.....
So.... I may moan about the bedtime visits, they do leave me tired but I equally appreciate what I have got and soon, I may not have it any more.
Tuesday, 26 May 2009
Monday, 25 May 2009
Sunday, 24 May 2009
Saturday, 23 May 2009
Just thought I would share this with you all!
My dear friend Jan bought me a Pandora Bracelet for being a supporting parent for her daughter. She also gave me a breast cancer pandora bead to put on it. I purchased the "Love, Faith, Strength bead" to signify my fight with cancer and my mother in law bought me a gorgeous silver bead encrusted with hearts to show her support.
I promised myself a bead for every journey and occasion through my fight with cancer and as I have just finished my Epi-R (the lethal red stuff) I decided to buy a red pandora bead and it is pictured above at the start of this blog.
I ordered the bead from John Greed yesterday afternoon and it arrived in record time, this morning, I am so proud of it and I can highly recommend John Greed for pandora purchases.
Friday, 22 May 2009
However, I know that with each passing hour, I will get better. I have finally realised that I have to give in to these feelings so that I can have short bursts of sheer enjoyment whether that be with my family, friends, children or dogs.
Right now, I am lieing in bed writing this then I plan to sleep if I can or at least rest then I am going to take my lovely dogs Pickles, Wilbur and Poppy out to Darland woods. There has been a light rain fall, but it is warm and the sky is glowing with the sun trying its best to break through so the woods will be filled with beauty; the damp smell of wild garlic and fallen leaves, the ducks on the pond and the vibrant colours of grasses and leaves... if that isn't something worth resting for then I dont know what is!
Thursday, 21 May 2009
Harry had his 8th birthday at Funky Monkeys in Chester, what a brilliant boys birthday party! The laser party he had took place in a play barn, after hours so we had it to ourselves. The lights went out, the rock music started, the flashing lights flashed and the kids went off to do battle. There were 9 of them altogether and they had so much fun. It was professionally run, the organisers loved kids and had a wonderful enthusiasm for making it a great party (can be sadly missing in the UK). The look on Harrys face made it all worth while. Of course, we had nuclear fall out after the party as we always do when Harry is overstimulated but we had planned for that this week and it was no surprise. He kicked, screamed then fell asleep - sign of a great party!
I went to Talk 4 Talk on Wednesday after getting my blood test done at the hospital. I met my friend D who has recently had her operation, she was having all her tests done followed by her meeting with my/our oncologist. We had a hug and she is like me, pretty up beat and positive about the fight ahead, its the only way you can be. Another survivor was there who had just finished all her treatment, an inspiration to get through this nightmare! Group was good, nice to see my favourite friends J, J and M - you will know who you mean if you read this!
So.... brings us back to today! Chemo day! The last round of Epi-Reubison!
For the first time in my chemo treatment I was scared, really scared. I couldnt sleep last night, felt subdued, had nightmares and when I got up this morning I felt physically sick with the anticipation.
What triggered it? I think it was a mixture of things; the fact my veins aren't always forthcoming, one blew on one occasion, my arm and veins are so sore and stiff, I feel really sick when the drug first hits my body, the lady who cried last time at her first session... it all played on my mind and scared me.
However, when we got to the hospital, my husband enquired about having IV anti-sickness drugs rather than tablets and they said it might make a difference so we tried that. The nurse was fab! I told her I was scared and she was so gentle, I hardly felt a thing, not like the other times. Oh, I forgot to say that this time my white blood cells were fine so no hanging around for more tests which was brilliant! The IV poisen went in quickly too and the nurse brought me the best cup of tea ever!!!!
The nurse made me laugh when she put the anti-sickness drugs in, she said it would feel like I was sitting on a hedgehog. I was giggling and waiting for the experience and when it came I couldn't help but laugh my head off. It was like eating moon dust but obviously, the sensation wasn't on my tongue but on my bum!!! How funny!!!!
So now....the epi-R is over, and I am hoping that the CMF is ok too and my hair grows back! I am half way (virtually) through my chemo. There is light at the end of the tunnel!
As we left the Shooting Star Unit, I saw the lady who had cried the last time and it turned out that I used to work with her partner. I enquired how she got on and she was very negative so I guess her war with cancer is going to be a hard fight :0(
Harrys actual birthday today was fab! My relatives came over which means so much to us and Harrys little friends came around. Of course, Harry was hyped up again and tried to pistol whip C with his clone trooper gun! However, he kicked, screamed, got taken off to our bedroom to relax and now he is sleeping next to me in my bed, the happiest and most whacked boy in the world.
I feel grotty. The show is over, the make up is off and I am allowing myself to give into the effects of chemo (for a while).
Today, I will go to sleep and thank God for my wonderful sons, husband, family, friends, my pets, and most of all for my life and for being so lucky in catching the cancer quickly and that it was in a "good" place. I also pray for those close to me to take comfort in the fact that I am a fighter (the Jones dont give up), a history of really strong women in my family, I have the best medical attention FREE and I am here for the duration! I am lucky.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
My ten year old son is having problems with my best friends adopted daughter, also ten. Last night my friend went on about it to the point that I just felt overwhelmed by my life.
The last ten years I have dealt with speech & language therapists, worried myself sick about delayed language, delayed reading, trying my best to get help for my son. I have a second son, I get no (and I mean no) sleep for three years, he has severe colic, he has delayed speech & language, I find out that he is autistic, I have challenging behaviour to deal with, sleepless nights, a full on war with the education system to get him support in the class room. On top of this I worry myself sick about their social skills (or lack of them).
Then.... just when I thought I was getting there... I get breast cancer.
So.... I don't need to my childrens problems highlighted. Last night, I felt as though it was all too much and I didn't feel depressed or sad persay, I just felt overwhelmed by the reality that is my life. For the first time in 10 years I felt as though it was all too much to deal with.
My husband is going back to work next week. His employers have been fabulous and he will be returning on reduced hours. The children are off school, I will be recovering from chemo and I am a bit worried about how things are going to be.
I saw my oncologist yesterday and I got a full check up and was dismissed with a clean bill of health. My veins are ok (still really sore) but I have my last lot of epi-reubison which aggrivates the veins. Hopefully my hair will start to grow back too when I am on CMF and I am praying for that with all my heart. I just want to run my fingers through my hair!!!!
My sons birthday party tonight, that will be something to look forward to. He is so excited and we have bought him a Star Wars cake, he is obsessed by Star Wars.
Sunday, 17 May 2009
The chilli night was a success, we had a lovely evening and I managed to stay up until 11pm! However, I drank too much wine and had a dreadful hangover the next day. I ended up having a cold shower to cool me down which is such a change for me because chemo makes me so cold I am not used to being warm. Yesterday (hangover gone) I was wearing two jumpers and a woolly hat. Mind you, the weather isn't too good; cold, dull, miserable and so much rain! Harry went horse riding and Lisa's farm house (his tutor) was flooded - poor thing!
Last night we watched "Marley and Me" which was brilliant. I read the book a couple of years ago and loved it but it made me cry so much, the ending still haunts me. I cried buckets last night too, it was a great film but makes me think of all the dogs I have loved and lost in my life. My most special dog was Bobbi, I have talked about her before in my blog. She was with me for five years then died of leukemia. I miss her.
Thing is, there is a speech on the film which made me think about the dogs I love in my life; dogs accept you for who you are, they don't care if you are naggy, tired, bald or ill, they just love you for you. That is why I am so in love with dogs! Mind you, my dogs know when I am worried or ill, they become depressed and sigh alot so that is my incentive to keep up beat and well because I dont like to see them down.
Friday, 15 May 2009
A line from a Mike Peters song, Regeneration which he wrote when he beat leukemia the first time. I can't wait to be able to sing that with real conviction. When I saw him at the Gathering all those years ago in his combat fatigues, sharing his great news with us, I didn't think that I would be a member of the same club as him, a privelage I don't really want.... sorry Mike!
I am feeling like myself this week which is great. We are having friends over tonight, Jason is cooking a chilli and we have wine! I have compiled a play list but I just know it won't be played because it turned out to be punk, songs from my youth! I am currently taking a trip down memory lane. I managed to power walk today, another 2 miles which is great and I didnt feel the need for a rest afterwards!
I met my friends for coffee yesterday morning which was great then had lunch out with Jason at the Alyn Pub so I didnt "power walk", I gave myself a day off.
Raining and miserable today which always makes me feel sad. However, we will get the chiminea on and the candles burning and we will have fun. I am making the most of this week because my next session of chemo is on Thursday and I don't know how quickly I will recover.
By the way, I am NOT going to fall asleep at 9pm tonight!
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Forgot to mention that I power walked 1.90 miles today at 15min mile pace - it feels great to be exercising!
Hopefully, I have uploaded a link to Mike Peters singing on Everest 2007 on his trek to raise money for the Love, Hope, Strength Foundation, a global cancer fighting charity. He is singing my anthem "Without a Fight" - listen to the lyrics, they are my mantra.
Sadly, I have just found out that a friend of mine has been diagnosed with breast cancer, she has had surgery and now is waiting for her treatment regime. Why? Why nice people?
and sorry... no link... will try to work on this one!
Tuesday, 12 May 2009
Sunday, 10 May 2009
Saturday, 9 May 2009
I am feeling alot brighter today. Harry had a party to attend in Chester and the plan was that we would go into the city as a family, drop Harry at the party then spend some time in the city centre. However, I was woken up rather early by a happy Harry and didn't feel too good. Had a slight headache and tired. So I decided to stay at home and get some rest while the boys went out on adventures.
I really would have liked to have gone into Chester, it is a lovely day but I must follow my body and there will be plenty of other days. It was nice for Jason and Joe to have some "father and son" time together, to do some bonding. They went to the music shop to look at guitars (dont know why because we have 2 mini acoustic guitars, 2 standard acoustic guitars, an electric acoustic and an electric guitar! Joe was impressed with the shop assistant who was demonstrating the instruments. They ended up buying an ampliphier that does "everything" and they are both very excited but I just dont get it.....oh well..... whatever floats their boat and as long as they are happy!
So, I am feeling brighter and more positive. I rested with Pickles and Wilbur on my bed. Pickles warming my feet, bless her. I am looking forward to starting my power walk training tomorrow but I cant for the life of me find my wireless MP3 or my Garmin Forerunner!
I go to the hospital on Wednesday to have my mole checked out. My inner sense tells me that there is nothing to worry about but at the same time, I am calm because I have had all the tests I can have so if it is something to worry about, it can be sorted out directly.
Friday, 8 May 2009
Thursday, 7 May 2009
- I am thankful for having all of my faculties; my eyes for seeing, my ears for hearing, my legs for walking and my nose for smelling. This week I have enjoyed seeing and smelling Bluebells and wild garlic and walking through the woods. I liked seeing the different colours and textures of the grass and the catkins on the trees.
- I am thankful for my good friends who have listened to me and helped to lift my spirits
- I am thankful for having the ability to laugh when I feel like crying, smile when I feel like frowning and putting on a brave face.
- I am thankful for my husband who is always there for me and has supported me so much through this battle with cancer
- I am thankful for the wonderful doctors and medics who have helped me and continue to research cancer and find new cures
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
So when people enter my humble home, I expect them to accept me as I am. Why is it then that people feel the need to make tactless remarks. Oh, don't get me wrong, I understand that they are remarks which are misguided attempts at making me feel better but they wound me.
The same remarks don't penetrate the costume when I go out of my front door, they fall off me like water off a ducks back but at home, with my protection removed, I am scarred.
I didn't ask to be bald. I didn't ask for someone to "go ahead and shave me". I detest it, I hate it. When I look in the mirror I am repulsed. I don't want this look, its not my sense of fashion! However when I am at home, I like to be comfortable. I wear my woolly hat because my head gets cold, I snuggle up in my husbands jumper becauses its warm and comforting then I take my hat off when I have a hot flush..... Don't judge me for my looks, accept me for me like my animals and my family do.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
This is an "arty" photo of me wearing my bandana and cowboy hat by my husband! He produced the photo for me to display on my group which is called "The Bandana Brigade" on Face Book, just a little bit of fun with friends!!!!
So today, I have been so tired, my body has felt like a lead weight, my veins still hurt and I now know what it feels like to be old! However, at least my heart burn has subsided and I have some relief and although I am craving fruit, I am frightened to eat any in case of a reaction.
Now, back to my title "SUCCESS". I did have success today with my one year old Miniature Schnauzer, Wilbur. He is a gangly, big hearted, silly boy with no co-ordination, life is one big party to him and everyone is his friend. When we go out for walks, he barks the neighbourhood down and NOTHING can calm him at all. Since my diagnosis I have been focusing on training him and going to classes. Today; one chunk of smelly blue cheese, and we made it to the woods without him being hysterical! Hurray! He walked to heel and after about 100 yards, that manic look in his eye was gone, he was no longer hysterical, he listened to me and when we got to the woods, he sat, waited for me to take off his headcollar and release him.
I felt amazing! I was so proud of him and so proud of me! There is light at the end of the tunnel. The woods in the rain were so much more beautiful for our success! I had to share this with the world because cancer hasnt taken everything!
Monday, 4 May 2009
However, I got to 9pm and flaked out in bed! I even went to bed before the kids!
Saw the photos this morning and I didn't like what I saw! Me, bandana, dressing gown over my clothes, hogging the fire! I looked poorly without being poorly if you know what I mean. I will look back on those photos and think of this time in my life.
Took the dogs to the woods this morning, such a beautiful place in the spring rain. The Bluebells were out along with the wild garlic and it was such a magical, spiritual sight. I touched the catkins on the trees, wondering at the cotton and feeling the texture. Each day is splendid and each day is special for the little things.
Saturday, 2 May 2009
I decided to light my chiminea and have been burning logs for a while. Everyone is out in t-shirts but me? I am wrapped up in a woolly hat and fleece blanket practiacally hugging my fire. I get so cold after chemo, does anyone else get that?
It was such a positive experience staring into my fire, breathing in the smoke and listening to the burble of the neighbourhood. I closed my eyes and took myself back 30 years when we were kids making fires in the fields and baking potatoes, happy days!
I had a cute conversation with my little 3 year old neighbour. He sits on his tractor in his garden and calls me until I stick my head over the fence, the conversation went like this;
Ollie: "what you got on your head"
Me: "a woolly hat cos I am cold"
Ollie: "I not cold, I got this" (points to his hair)
Me: "I haven't got hair now"
Ollie: "no, you got no hair, you got a round shape"
Kids are so great, what a wonderful conversation, I will be chuckling all night over this!
Friday, 1 May 2009
I MUST be radio-active because EVERYONE keeps telling me I am glowing! If I get any more "glowing" comments, I swear, there will be a nuclear reaction!! lol
The glamorous picture above is a lady I have the privelage of knowing through Weight Watchers. Her name is Helen, she is the same age as me, 42, and is fighting MS. In order to raise money for MS during MS Awareness week, Helen is going to parachute jump tomorrow - May 2nd - What a brave lady! Awesome! She is one of the most positive and up beat people I have met and a joy to know.
Anyway, day one after chemo. Took some sleeping pills last night and although my sleep was disturbed because of the steroids, it was better than before. Woke up feeling great and managed to visit Weight Watchers to wish Helen good luck for tomorrow (hence more glowing comments) then I was laid up in bed for a few hours.
We are burying Mouse and Spangles today. I took Joe to the Grosvenor Garden Centre and he chose a variagated Ceanothis to mark the spot. We are burying them in a place where he can see from his bedroom window and the flowers will bloom this time of year to help him remember his little friend xxx